Monday, December 31, 2007

Family, the sticky wicket for new parents

Hubby just scared the crap out of me. “You better get used to Spanish food if my mom moves in with us.”
We’ve both agreed that our parents would be allowed to stay with us for a brief period of time to not only be with their grandkid but to help us with care. I didn’t really think they’d be pulling an Everybody loves Raymond.
I’m not sure if I could deal with that well.
Sure, I’m scared of the prospect of 2 full time jobs but I’m not worried it can’t be done. Sure, having family to help offset the cost of daycare would be great but now he’s put the prospect of losing my complete independence and home to play.
Could that really happen? Could I not only lose my adulthood by the invasion of the grandmothers but also my own home and right to my own home?
I don’t do well with being told what to do in my own home. My tolerance levels are quite low and my relationship with my mom and MIL are relatively safe because of the distance factor. If I lose that, I know I’m not going to handle it well.
Bean, this doesn’t reflect badly on your grandparents. I love them. I just also love that I’m an independent woman with her own home with her own traditions and values.
I thought all I had to grapple with is the loss of identity career-wise, the multi-tasking of 2 full-time jobs, the learning curve of being a first time mom and the adjustment from coupledom to family.
I know he didn’t mean to scare me, but I am scared. I don’t want to be domineering but I think if it comes down to it, we need to be able to keep our home, our home.

Friday, December 28, 2007

The secret revealed, et al

The news is trickling in. Your California cousins have sent you well wishes.

Now my friends are starting to call.

Bean, you had your coming out I suppose and everyone was quite impressed by the announcement.

I'll photograph the card and post it soon.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Grandmas in overdrive

Your grandmoms are already plotting. MaMa wants to decorate your nursery. PawPaw is making soups for you and knitting like a mad woman.

For both your grandmas, this is their first grandchild. It's really exciting for them. I'm guessing at this stage they are at the fun part. What I mean is they aren't worrying like I'm worrying about your health, financial stability, etc...

Right now, they're at book stores and stores looking at clothing and cute stuff. I'm not there yet. I've been told I will get into the nesting stage soon.

For now, I'm content with talking to you and feeling your daddy rub my belly and kissing you.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

It's been awhile and there is a very good reason for it.

See, I've been keeping a secret for a very long time. It had to be done to prevent the news from slipping out too early.

This Christmas, our parents received a very special gift.

But let me go back a bit.

Remember my birthday entry? Well I found out later on, I received another special present.

Ever since then, I've been jotting my thoughts down here and there but held back from posting them because we wanted to have our parents be the first recipients of the news.

Now that they know, I will back track and post some of my crazy, emotional thoughts and will continue to.

Sorry for the sabbatical but it had to be done.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

The secret revealed, PawPaw and KauFu

Your PawPaw and GungGung came early to help me cook today. Your dad filmed them opening the present.

Your PawPaw was in tears. I've haven't seen your PawPaw so happy in a long time. It really made me feel good.

She's already planning a plethora of outfits for you. You're going to have tons of knitwear, Baby Bean.

She hugged me and told me she didn't think it would ever happen and that I made her very happy. It was wonderful to hear.

Your Uncle came by a little later. I wanted to surprise him personally. I gave him his present and the surprise/happy expression was all I needed. It meant alot to me to see my brother and my mom so happy and excited.

I think that was my best Christmas present.

The rest of the night was spent rocking hard on Rock Band. Towards the end we had a four piece band with my brother on vocals, my brother's girlfriend on bass, your dad on drums and me on guitar.

I think we did pretty good. We all scored pretty high! I'm going to have to get you a tamborine if this keeps up.

Well Bean, everyone now knows. Mom couldn't contain herself and started sharing the news while we were playing.

Your grandmoms swapped numbers and the Christmas card announcements have been mailed out.

At church today, Father Peter spoke of how we mustn't hide and keep the baby Jesus to ourselves. We must share the light with others.

At the time I was feeling bittersweet that your dad and I wouldn't have you to ourselves anymore. Our secret would be out.

It seemed as if the homily had duel meaning for me. After that, I knew it wouldn't be fair to hide you away. You're special and from the reactions so far, you are already so loved.

Merry Christmas, Baby Bean.

Monday, December 24, 2007

The secret revealed, MaMa

I woke up at 7:11am for my usual bathroom break. This time though, I couldn't get back to bed.

I think it's dawned on me today is the last day you are a secret that your dad and I shared. Today, your MaMa finds out. After that, the rest of the world finds out.

Tomorrow your PawPaw finds out. It will be official.

It's bittersweet I suppose. I won't have to hide it anymore (excluding work) but your dad and I will also now have to share you with the world.

I also have to prepare my skin for any weird, strange, nutty 'myths' that I'm sure to hear. Heck, I've heard enough already between work and close friends.
Your MaMa called. She opened our Christmas gift. She was in tears. She's so excited and happy. She said she was running around so happy, she didn't sit and look at her present at all. She even fought with YeYe for his gift, the t-shirt.
She's already starting a fund for you and wants to go shopping for gifts for you already.
I'm guessing you're going to be spoiled rotten by your grandparents.
I'm really happy she's happy. I didn't think it would be so exciting but it is.
She wants to know all about you already.
Here is a fun fact: she said when she was pregnant with your dad she craved lasagna. I think I now know where the tomato sauce and pasta cravings are coming from.
You are more and more like your dad. :-)

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Your parents are geeks

Your dad bought you more gifts. For Christmas bean, you have a new video camera and still camera.

He's ready for all the shots you seem to be fond of. You were very photogenic on the ultrasound.
I forgot to tell your dad I told our priest about you. He was shocked and surprised when Fr. Peter congratulated him.

I have to say, it was a really nice feeling to share the news with someone who you knew wouldn't be judgemental but geniunely happy for you.

I know we said we wouldn't tell anyone but our parents first and we broke the rule thrice but I think the family priest is an exception.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Presents for the Grandmoms

I finished the packages for your grandparents.

Here are pictures.

Your dad sent your MaMa her package. She should get it by Christmas Eve evening.

All these months, you have been our secret. Now the world gets to know of your presence and you get to experience the shower of love you will be given.
Your dad and cousin are concerned that I may give off pregnancy vibes at the Christmas Eve get together at your cousin's house.

Now I know I'm bigger. My pants tell me that everyday but I'm pretty sure if I can get by working with obstetricians 5 days a week, and no one suspects, then I'm pretty sure that I can get by a 4 hour shindig with family.

Even if it comes out, it comes out. I have never lied about you. I don't plan to now. As long as one of your Grandmothers knows by Christmas Eve Evening, I'm perfectly ok with announcing it to the rest of the family.

The important thing is that your Grandmoms aren't surprised by someone else.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Dancing Bean

We saw you today, bean. I had extra syrupy pancakes for breakfast for the NT test. Boy, you sure like syrup. You were jumping all over the place, We saw your arms and legs kicking around.

At one point you sat Indian style, just like mom likes to sit!

Your heartbeat was also strong.

Thankfully, all the tests came back normal.
We also got an awesome picture of you to share with your grandparents.

Dad was like a dad already asking for better shots and stuff.

You look like a human being now!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Sugar rush

Ever since I felt that movement, I'm totally wondering why I haven't felt it again.

It wasn't like the stretching I'm now accustomed to. It's more like little bubbles in my belly moving around. Not gas bubbles but bubbles rolling around the belly area.

I wish you could give me a signal but I guess I just have to be more attentive or eat more sugary foods.

Tomorrow, I hope to see you again. Dad is coming along again and this time we're going to get some results of tests to make sure all is well.

I'm really excited and although I can't see you and you may not understand me or hear me, I feel so close to you already. You are such a part of my life. I don't know what I'd do without you, my sunshine.

I love you.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Happy Birthday, Dad

Today is your granddad's birthday. I went to go visit him on Saturday. I told him all about you and I think he's looking down from heaven crying joyous tears.

You would have loved your granddad. In fact, I know he'd be all mush for you. He'd just fall to pieces holding you in his arms.

I little piece of me believes that your grandad, great grandpa and great grandma are looking down from heaven watching over you. I don't think I'd want it any other way.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Christmas brownies

I've been a baking factory and making brownies for gifts at work.

I ate one piece and suddenly I felt all this movement in my belly.

I completely wigged out it may be you upset but now that I've read everything, I think you were just enjoying the sugary jolt.

Could that have been the first movement I felt of you, bean?

I spent so much time worrying I didn't get to savor and enjoy it. :-(

Monday, December 17, 2007

Physical signs

Holy crap, there is a faint line from my belly button to my privates.

I'm guess this is the line everyone tells me about. It appeared out of the blue.

It's not dark dark but it's visual. Wow, I am growing. I've been slathering the lotions and vitamin e oil now.

Dad keeps taking pics of you. He even kisses you hello now.

Do you feel his kisses? Do you know his voice?

Do you know my voice?

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Doling out Jesus

Every Sunday for the past few Sundays I have been visiting an elderly neighbor, Peggy. She's very sweet and nice. She's 93 and aside from physical impairments, her faculties are all there.

After a few minutes of chatting, we share the Eucharist and I see if there is anything she'd like the church to do.

Although I'm always nervous and apprehensive about my visit, I do look forward to them. I'm not sure if I'll have anything to say to her. Everytime so far, we've had lovely conversations.

I bring this up because, I hope in some way, you learn that giving to others can give you more than anything received.

I know it's early and you probably have no clue what's going on out here in the world, but I hope you get a bit of that warm and happy feeling I get visiting Peggy.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Dad, Guitar Hero

Dad kissed you goodnight tonight. It was very sweet.

He's also, according to him practicing Guitar Hero to play with you. I think that's just in excuse but hey, I'll accept it.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Keeping it a secret

I still have my cold but I think it's subsiding.

Sorry for the constant coughing and blowing of the nose, bean.

Dad is obsessed with Guitar Hero 3. I'm guessing you and dad will have some fun times playing video games together.

I'm worried about telling my boss. Everyone tells me it will be ok but I'm still nervous. I've been advised to wait until January to let her have time to acclimate to her return from maternity leave.

At this point, I sort of just want to let it out. I guess I'm ready to tell people.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Pregnant with a cold

I have a terrible cold. Yesterday the office was horribly hot. I think it didn't help my battle against what was a small cold.

Now it took some calls and emails but for the most part, I'm resting at home. I want the cold to go away.

I know the cough and runny nose won't hurt you but I'm nervous about the rough jerks the cough and the rattling you must feel.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Could the haze be lifting?

Today I woke up and for the first time in a long time I felt like the hamsters where in a nice jog!

For such a long time I've felt not only tired and lethargic but also my brain wasn't running at full speed.

It was great to wake up and feel excited and for a little more like myself.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

O Tannenbaum

Today your uncle and his girlfriend decorated the tree.

Dad put up his train too.

Now the house is starting to feel more Christmassy.

It made me think of what your first Christmas would be like. I made me think of how I hope to bake Christmas cookies with you and make Gingerbread decorations.

As they were putting up the decorations, I realized that every decoration has a special story and meaning. Most pertain to the growing relationship of your dad and I.

I can't wait to expand that to items as our relationship grows.

Most likely, I'll need to pack away certain decorations until you are older because they are delicate but that's ok. We'll have more room for our growing memories.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Spreading the news

We told your Uncle Dave and Aunt Judy last night.

We went out to Thai. I also learned you haven't been exposed to nuts yet and I shouldn't have gone all out on you like that. Sorry. Actually, sorry to your dad. He had to deal with the ramifications when we got home.

You should have seen their faces. They were very surprised.

I'm pretty sure you're going to like them. They are really nice and are probably going to spoil you with attention.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Apple Juice

I learned today that apple juice is too spicy to drink during pregnancy. Don't ask. It's just regular clear apple juice. It isn't apple cider. It's just Tropicana 100% Apple Juice and I can't drink it.
Last night, while taking your picture bean, dad turned to me and said, "Thanks for having my baby." It was so sweet and sincere. All the hormones raced and I nearly cried.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Books and Reading

I bought a book for your dad today. The Expectant Father.

He said, "Wow, I've seen this book before. I remember now, it was at the bookstore. I almost bought it. Thanks."

Since we found out you were blessing us with your presence, I've read several books and even pulled out some books I use at work to learn more about you.

Dad has done the same with his textbooks but everytime I tried to show him a chapter or an article, he said I was bombarding him.

I stopped and thought it would be best to let him do it at his pace.

Now when I hear he's been going to the bookstore after work and during lunch, it makes me feel like he's really interested and not just 'winging it'.

Now I'm not saying we'll find all the answers in a book. Lord knows that for every 5 books that says one thing about pregnancy, there are 10 books that say the opposite but it does feel nice to know he's really trying to learn as much as I am.

Sure he's not like me, reading and watching and researching but he does his own research and that's nice. I'm actually glad that he's the level headed one as my OCD can get the best of me.

So Bean, dad has been giving me little facts here and there about you and that's his way of participating in your growth. He may not be able to physically bear witness but he is witnessing it in a certain way.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

What's in a name

Bean, this week you officially become a fetus.

We're not sure what to call you now. Bean seems appropriate still. We tried fetus but that sounds like cletus and with apologies to real 'cletus'', that's just not the name we want associated with you.

Mom: What about Feet? Foot? How's Foot? Good. Foot wants ice cream.

Dad: I see nothing wrong with the name we have now.

So for now, we're keeping Bean. When a name fits, it fits. And I'm not just saying that because, well, mom's been a bit gassy.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

2 Full Time Jobs

When I was younger I thought I'd be a stay at home mom. Ok, at first I thought I'd be an actress/lawyer/mother of 3 then I thought I'd stay at home while the child was young.

Now as I'm nearer the reality of motherhood and the reality of life in NY, staying at home is not a possibility at this junction.

1. Financially, two incomes is extremely helpful. 2. I'm not sure I could deal with staying at home all day without adult contact.

So now I'm stuck planning out maternity leave and a proposal for flextime. I'm sure I'm not the first woman to say this but this brings home the fact women have a much shorter career life span than a man. Not only is it shorter, the fear of out of touch with my job lingers. The fear of appearing weak or less focused appear.

I love my job even the craziness. For over 10 years my life focus has been my career and my husband. Now, I'm shifting focus and although I am happy and ready for the challenge, after 10 years, it's a big change.

Saturday, December 01, 2007


Dad and I had a disagreement.

Dad thought it would be fine to begin our outing for household supplies at 8pm. I said otherwise.

It brings up the fact that our lifestyle is changing. We can't just blow off the day doing stuff we want to do and do the grown up stuff late at night.

Now 8pm is not late. I'm not 80 yet. However, 8pm is late for household shopping, electronic shopping, laundry, storage cleanup and christmas decorations to be taken care of before it's too late and your mom is too sleepy and tired to stay up.

Bean, your mom can sleep anytime and anywhere. It doesn't matter how many hours I've slept before, I can always sleep. This is before you came down to earth.

Since you've arrived and moved into Casa de Mama, your mom's body gets pretty tired earlier and earlier. By 11pm, Mr. Sandman starts creeping in. As your dad once said, "Sleep will always win. It doesn't matter if someone had a gun to your head and told you not to sleep. Sleep will always win."

In fact, the last few days have been the same pattern. Sleepiness sets in at 11pm. Passed out by midnight/12:30am. Wake up at 3:30am to pee. Sleep. Wake up at 6:30am to pee. Sleep. Wake up at 7am.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Who knew cooking would be difficult

I know this sounds odd but I'm not keen on meat as of late. I'll eat it because I know it's good for the bean but I have to force myself. I tried chicken, pork and beef. Nothing.

It makes cooking dinner hard. I'm ok with ground beef so long as it's not marinated or seasoned too much.

I'm trying to figure out what's going on.

Tonight I think I'll have chicken soup. The dilemma now is what to give hubby as chicken soup is not going to fill him up.

I thought about mac and beef but I'm too lazy to cook the beef. Yes, it's 4:30pm and the sleepiness has hit. It doesn't help that I was up at 5:30 this morning getting ready for an early morning meeting.

I'm trying to be a good wife and provide sustenance for DH but right now all I can think of is getting through my 5pm meeting and then heading home for a nice nap.

A salad with soup is my dinner. What do I make for hubby?

Monday, November 26, 2007

First Prenatal Appointment

I went for my official prenatal bloodwork today. Things appear to be good. I also scheduled the FTS in 3 weeks.

Your dad is going to help me with the fingersticking that needs to be sent to the lab prior to the ultrasound.

I'm not grossed out by blood but the idea of sticking myself is not appealing.

When I was younger and spent many summers away from home, I was the girl people ran to when they were hurt. I washed bruises and cuts numerous times. I'm ok with blood and guts. I'm not cool with poking myself. Go figure. This comes from the girl that stapled her finger when she was 10.

Anywho, dad only had one question for the doc, "Is Bean healthy?" When I came home with your ultrasound, dad went through the books again to find out where you were in development.

Then he read the chapter on how pregnancy effects the male. When I asked him if he felt any symptoms he said, "Fear of poverty. Is that a symptom?"

I think he's taking it well. After all, he keeps reminding me that 69% of males surveyed were ambivalent when first told they were to be a dad. As your dad says, "With all the emotions flowing through a woman, a man has to balance things out. We can't have two crazy people running around like nuts."

I think he's excited, deep down inside. It's just harder for him to feel participatory right now as you're living inside me and not him. Trust me, I think you're better rooming with me for a bit. :-)

Sunday, November 25, 2007


This entry is a bit late but it's never too late to share what you're thankful for.

Lately, the realization my life will never be the same has hit me and hubby like a ton of bricks. I can't say how he feels but I'm scared, nervous, excited, worried, happy, confident and optimistic all at the same time.

But when push comes to shove, I really am thankful of this blessing. I know that hubby and I may not feel prepared but we're smart, level headed, caring, loving people who will learn, find a way and adjust.

It's not easy and it won't get any easier but we both have the same objective, to be good parents and do what needs to be done for our child.

So this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for this blessing and opportunity. I prayed for direction and guidance and purpose and I know this is His mission for us.
I have developed Smelly-sense. It's like Spidey-sense but without the webbing.

I can smell garlic from a mile away. A few days ago your dad opened the trash can to dump something and I could smell the rotting food with garlic while slumbering. I woke up cranky and annoyed the smell was permeating my nostrils.

I spent the day avoiding the kitchen and requesting your dad to aerate the house.

Ever since, I notice your dad takes the trash out every day regardless if its too full. You're dad is the best.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Captain Research

This week is our first prenatal appointment.

Today, Dad wants to research another gift for you.

Your dad is an extremely focused man when he wants to be. When he is, don't get in his way. What I still need to learn is to go with the flow. That's not so easy for me, especially when I'm trying to figure what my body is going to surprise me with on a daily basis.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Turkey Day

Your first Thanksgiving ended successfully. I was worried mom would be aware but she wasn't. I guess what they say is true, most people will not notice.

I made more than I thought I would but it worked out in the end. Mom made yummy pumpkin soup. I asked her to make soup for Christmas. Maybe it can become a tradition.

I was very exhausted volunteering today. The pain in my butt muscle came back while standing up. I had to take a break and sit for bit before the guests arrived.

Instead of carrying the trays this time, I was head waitress and needed to make sure the waiters served in an orderly fashion.

It was nice. It made me think of how I'd like you to participate in this one day as well. It's alot of fun and you leave happy that you met such nice people and that there are others like you who want to help and do good.

Thanksgiving shouldn't be a time of gluttony and shopping but a time of giving back. I hope I instill some of that in you.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Location, location, location

You know how they say women go into pregnancy/parent mode immediately? Well, I don't think it's that we get there immediately but that we're sort of forced into it more quickly as we're the center of the action.

Men on the other hand are side line players waiting at the wings. They're the catcher and we're the pitcher. [i]Forgive the bad analogy.[/i]

I was given the advice to tell your dad in a way he would have some space to absorb the whole, "We're having a baby."

I texted him the picture of you. He knew I was going to confirm but I figured the picture would be a visual aid for him.

If you remember a few weeks back, he left work early and immediately proceeded to research your second gift, Sam, the Toyota Prius.

Well, now that your 7 weeks into the world and dad has heard your heartbeat. Dad has moved to 'Captain/Defender' of the ship. Call him Captain Dad.

He's researching and planning and organizing. That isn't anything new for your dad but what's new for me is how his views have changed and how smoothly they have changed.

Your dad is a big city guy. He loves NYC. When I first met him, there was no other place he could think of to live but in NYC.

When he started his research to find a place in the city for us, he looked everywhere. He even checked out Brooklyn and Queens. He even looked at New Jersey. [i]One day you'll understand how big this is for your dad.[/i]

They are all still in the running but your dad said something last night that turned the page for me. He said, "I want our baby to grow up with family. I want our baby to be surrounded by loved ones and I want a backyard for us to play in."

Dad and I grew up differently. I lived in a suburban house with a backyard. Your dad lived in several apartments and moved constantly.

But the one thing we both always had was family surrounding us.

Your dad was an only child but he was spent many a days with your Great Aunt/Uncle's kids. In fact, I think of your cousin Dave as more as an brother to your dad.

My cousins and aunts and uncles were always at my house growing up. It was tradition to spend a few weeks during the summer together crammed together.

I think your dad wants that for you too.

To do that, dad knows we need to move out of the city. Strangely enough, what was a tough battle with him before you arrived has now become something he is freely willing to do.

See baby bean, you've wormed your way into your dad's heart already and you're only .8 inches long!

I may be on the mound but your dad is right there through every step and we can't wait to meet you.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Bean's first list

Things Bean likes and doesn't like:

Baby bean doesn't like onions or garlic. If it's faint and mashed in, it's ok. If it's chunky and the smell is visible, not so much.

Baby bean doesn't like fake/artificial flavors. If it's not 'real', skip it.

Baby bean really likes potatoes.

Baby bean likes milk, really really cold milk.

Baby bean likes apples but not apple juice or apple cider.

When baby bean gets hungry and mommy doesn't eat, mom gets queasy and hunger pangs all at the same time. This is not a good feeling.

Baby beans isn't keen on too many meats. Even preparing it can be trying at times.

Baby bean really likes ginger ale. A glass a day really perks baby bean and mom up.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Starchs Good. Garlic Bad.

Hello Bean!

I wore maternity pants to work today! Man does that make you less self conscious your pants will fall off or that you look like you're in a sausage casing!

Then again, I dressed down today so i also wore an untucked button down shirt.

This is very unusual for me and several people commented. I told them honestly that I planned to spend the day under desks and work stations working on PCs and most people accepted the answer.

I normally don't work on PCs. I'm not a hardware person but I did have to go to test a script push on individual PCs scattered throughout the campus. The odds I'd be on the floor under desks would be slim but it was a good excuse and I did wind up going under two desks at two separate locations so I wasn't actually fibbing.

I know alot of the bump is bloat now but I'm still reluctant to button my pants to the point of discomfort.

I'm happier with a skirt or a dress but it's getting colder. In fact, it snowed for the first time today. I guess that's your first snow, baby bean. They were big chunky flakes but they didn't stick.

In a few days you get to celebrate your first Thanksgiving meal! I'm making basics. I'm sure you'll like it as most of what I make is what your dad likes.

I've noticed that you really enjoy the foods dad likes. You're a big fan of potatoes and crackers.

I'm having a hard time eating meat but I know the protein is necessary for your growing body. I try to eat at least one or two pieces of protein a day but I know it's been difficult for me.

I never thought that would happen because I'm a big meat eater but I guess our tastes are a little different.

I've also noticed your not keen on garlic and onions as much as I am. Last night, the smell of the chopped onions made me gag a little.

You don't mind onions in your salad though. It's very odd.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

I should enjoy eating more

Hey Baby Bean. The last two days I was at a work retreat. I was too exhausted for anything.

I spent most the day catching up on rest. Your dad joined me for an afternoon nap.

My belly is growing again. This time it doesn't feel weird. Maybe I'm getting used to it. My waist though is slowly disappearing.

I wonder if I'm growing too fast. At the same time everything I read says and my instinct says to follow my body's instinct.

I've learned now that you're really hungry when I get nauseous. It's a weird, I'm hungry yet want to throw up feeling. I'm slowly timing my meals to avoid that feeling.

Plus, before you, baby bean, I really didn't have 3 full meals a day. So between the two, I guess I would grow a bit bigger.

We'll see what the doc says. I would be hard pressed to deny you food though, baby bean. You're growing and need your nutrients. I need my nutrients to give you a safe home to grow.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The secret

Baby bean, my belly sometimes feels hard. I guess you're really settling in.

Dad fell asleep last night with his hand intertwined with mine and resting over you. Did you feel us hugging you?

I'm thinking of how to tell your grandmas and grandpas. I'm pretty sure I know how we're going to tell them.

Next is how to tell your aunt and uncle. You uncle is super and I'm not just saying that because he's my brother. He's going to be a great uncle too. He's big and will give you big airplane rides like how our dad used to. He'll probably teach you baseball and of course camping skills.

Your aunt is closer to your age than you would believe. She'll probably give you the skinny on what's cool and what's not.

I wonder if I should tell your grandparents before the end of the first trimester. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It's really hard to keep a secret this big too. But at the same time there's something about keeping you a secret between your dad and I just a little bit longer.

Soon enough, everyone will know your arrival and your dad and I will be swimming in questions, suggestions and comments. It's nice to enjoy the calm and the shared secret.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Can you hear the beating of my heart?

Baby Bean, dad and I heard you for the first time! Your heartbeat is so strong!

Seeing your heartbeat was even more amazing.

I can't believe all of this is happening inside of me. I can't believe a human being is growing inside of little me.

Bean, I love you. Dad loves you.

We're now spending the night flipping through textbooks to learn more about your development.

I love you, Baby Bean.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Good Eats

The fatigue and what I can only think is a slower metabolism leading to nausea is making cooking a chore.

At certain times, I'm so hungry yet the idea of putting food in my mouth makes it dry and the feeling of gagging creeps in.

How can you be hungry and nauseous at the same time? Thankfully, so far I'm not knocked off my shoes by these feelings. I've held myself together for the most part.

It does make me worry about Turkey day dinner. I'm not sure how I'm going to pull it off but I'll try. I've decided to forego the diabetic friendly dinner I had planned since I should avoid man made sweeteners.

I plan to have the traditional setting with a few minor adjustments:
creamed corn
double mash potatoes
smashed potatoes
pumpkin pie

Of course this will be finalized next week. My appetite fluctuates. Originally I wanted to make mushroom stuffing but to be honest, mushrooms are turning me off right now.
Ok, bean, close your eyes.

Since that spotting scare and the fatigue, I'm not cuddling as much as I'd like with DH. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely attracted to him but I'm so flipping tired and scared of the spotting, I'm reluctant to initiate. I know I have to get through this. This isn't normal for me but how do you tell a pregnant person to relax?
Bean, you sure like potatoes. I had a baked potato today as part of my lunch and you savored every last morsel.

Every since, I've been in a super good mood. The fatigue that usual befalls me around 3:30 isn't here and I'm happy. I'm still warm and acting like a portable space heater but I'm happy.

Monday, November 12, 2007

When does this begin to feel real?

Is this real, baby bean? Are you really here? Sometimes it doesn't feel real at all. Sometimes it feels like this is a dream.

You think your entire life that this will be something you are blessed with but I suppose it doesn't really hit you until it actually happens.

Maybe this is how men feel. There isn't a tangible just yet. The symptoms are there. Logically, I know you are here but sometimes I feel like I will suddenly wake up and this was all just a figment of my imagination.

It's just so big to comprehend. I spent my whole life feeling like I was too young. Could I really be a mom to someone when I could barely care for myself? Could I raise someone who would be an asset to this world?

I suppose God works in mysterious ways and he believes your dad and I can and will. All I can do is teach you patience and compassion. All I can do is teach you appreciation and simplicity in life and I won't be alone.

I know your family, your friends and God will be there teaching and guiding you as well. You are not alone, little one. We will be here for you.
Last night, the fatigue really creeped up on me. It was so bad i started worrying this is what I would feel like for the entire pregnancy.

I know it comes and goes and is at it's worse the first and third trimester but it really socks you.

One minute, you're in the shower feeling all refreshed and squeaky clean. The next, your sitting on your ottoman in your bathrobe wondering if a nap would be a good idea.

Your dad says I sleep as much as I normally do but I swear I am more sleepy now.

Let's put it this way, last night, I left the laundry to be folded on the couch because I just didn't have the energy to sort and fold it.
I've decided, I need to steer clear of the grocery store for a while. After work, I stopped at the store to pick up some veggies for dinner. Instead I came home with 5 russet potatoes, 1 bag of crinkle fries and a container of cherry vanilla ice cream. Ok, I also got a cucumber and some cauliflower but that I didn't eat the cauliflower last night like I should have.

I did scarf down an entire bag of fries though. Ok, your dad helped.

I'm guessing your appetite is like dad's. Potatoes are good. Ice Cream is good.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Gift #2 for Bean

Morning bean! I was pretty tired last night but I'm doing ok today. Today we both get to check out dad's gift to you.

He has been up the last two nights reading all the manuals. He even got excited when we were watching Scrubs last night and JD received a blue Prius. Yup, dad got you a 2008 Blue Toyota Prius.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Forget skipping the maxipad aisle

Baby bean, I'm going to be disgusting here. Sorry but you are sure busy cleaning house. I'm not used to this at all. It's been 1 week since I found out you moved in and you've been making yourself comfortable.

I'm glad but I'm still not used to all the housecleaning.

Did you get your mom's organization trait?
Tomato Soup was really tasty today.
Milk is tasty too but leads to a lot of gas.

Thursday, November 08, 2007


I passed out like a rock yesterday as usual. I had a glass of chocolate milk and reclined on the big sofa. The next thing I know I recall your dad coming to sit by my feet and that was it.

I woke up at 6am, an hour past my usual wake up when I wake up on the couch. I went to bed but I just couldn't sleep. I was so restless. My body was tired but my brain was on jog mode. Sorry baby bean. Hope you had a better night's sleep.

I finally passed out at 7 but woke up at 7:45 to the sound of construction workers outside the bedroom window. The building is in the final stages of repointing work. Normally, the noise doesn't bother me but today, I was very peeved.
Today I had the first queasy feeling. Someone at the office was nuking some lunch. I had to close the door to my office. It's now 2:37, 2 hours after my usual lunch time since I found out you were living in me and I can't get the courage to eat my lunch. The idea of putting food in my mouth is not sitting well.

I find I'm more comfortable in dresses and stockings at this stage. It's not that you're popping out yet. The books say it's mainly stuff shifting to make room for you but I'm still more comfortable with no elastic around the belly.

Your dad is nearly complete with his second gift for you. He's been working and researching diligently.

Last night your dad and I talked about your grandmoms. We're both certain both of them will spoil you rotten.

Your dad is certain your MaMa will want to move in to help settle you in once you make your presence into this big world. This is a bit scary and too 'Everybody Loves Raymond' for us.

That will happen in due time. For now, enjoy the accommodations and let me know if you need anything, baby bean.
I went back to the treadmill today. I haven't been back since that scare on Monday. I was still nervous so I jogged for 15 minutes and power walked for 15. I didn't do any bike. Dad needed help getting directions to pick up your gift.

Today, I learned that orange juice cut with water is pretty tasty. I haven't had cravings yet but I do notice certain foods taste really good. Today it was orange juice cut with water. A few days ago jasmine rice was rocking.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Out in public

Today is my first day back to the office since the news of your arrival.

As I was making my way in, I had a silly grin on my face. It was the kind of grin that says, 'I know something you don't know.' I tried to conceal it as much as I could. Even though I knew no one but your dad and I could tell physically you were here, i wondered whether or not others could.

Still I made it through the morning fairly well. I had one scare when a colleague exclaimed, "Did you see the belly?" and pointed to me. She really was pointing to a colleague behind me who is due in January. I thought I was about to have a heart attack.

Concentration-wise, I think I did fairly well. I did sneak a few researching moments here and there but overall, I managed to review my calendar, answer calls and emails and prepare for an evening meeting.

Honestly, I know my pants aren't constricting you but you never know. If you need some more room, give me a sign.

Speaking of signs, I'm having some weird pressing pain on the right side of the uterus. It's like someone is pressing down.

Tonight, I'm going to ask your dad to take a photo of the belly. I want to track you. It's 6 weeks to the day. Hope the room is hospitable for you. I see you're still spring cleaning. I guess you get that from me.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

My uterus has been subletted

Today was my confirmation appointment. I was very nervous as last night I began cramping and spotting.

I saw the PA, Lisa. She confirmed you were hanging out at La Casa de Pantrygirl and she had an ultrasound performed.

That's the gestational sac, where you're chillin. The sonographer said the yolk sac is too tiny to see.

Lisa also told me that I have a tiny fibroid that may eventually lead to heavier periods but that it would not effect the pregnancy.

She also said she didn't want to transfer me to a prenatal patient until next week's ultrasound which should include a faint heartbeat.

I was pretty emotional last night but today I'm in a good mood. Your dad sent the funniest text today. It pretty much reminded me not to worry to much because it would effect you. Of course, he did it in a way I wouldn't be angry at him. I kept the text and plan to use it to remind me every now and then not to worry too much.

I have learned one thing, follow the advice of the moms-to-be chat and buy pantyliners. I thought stuff wouldn't be coming out of me but it is. I guess your cleaning the apartment up for your extended stay.

I didn't receive an image today but the one you see above is from my camera phone. I texted it to your dad. I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not but I figured seeing the picture away from me would give him some room and I wouldn't scrutinize his reaction.

I don't know where this journey is going to take me but as of right now, I'm happy and excited and confident.
It's weird. I find that women, when they find out they are pregnant, immediately seek other women to share information with. They buy books, they read, they share and they sign up for chat rooms.

Men, at least, your dad, takes it to be his duty to research equipment. Now granted, I did say last night, "Honey, if I am pregnant, it's your responsibility to research the hardware. Everything I read and hear is to beg, borrow and nearly steal for most equipment since the kid is going to outgrow things quickly." "You got it, honey. That I can do."

I didn't expect him to take to it like duck to water. Ok, maybe I did and that's why I thought he'd be perfect for it. That and the fact that I am probably the one woman out there that hates the stress of shopping for anything besides shoes and clothes.

Two hours after I sent him the first sonogram, he texted that he's looking into 4 door sedans. I guess when I said equipment, I should have been more specific. I know he's right though. It's not like I can strap you onto my husband's Harley or strap into our Mini Cooper, Clyde. I mean, I suppose I could but if it takes a parent 20 minutes to strap their kid into an SUV, how long is it going to take me to strap you into a two door European hatchback? And I'm not counting the times I'll need to check everything because of the OCD.
You're dad came home early today. He joked that his hair is now whiter. He also said that you shouldn't be bumping around in a tiny car.

He told his boss which makes her the first person we've told. We haven't told your grandparents yet. I think I'd like to wait until you're a little bigger, possibly around Christmas. You would make the best Christmas present ever for your grandparents.
You're dad went to search for a new car for you. Dad's first present to you. Ok, second present. Of course, in his enthusiasm, he forgot to search for where the dealerships are. I just texted him the addresses.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Reality slowly settling in...

Today I scheduled my confirmation of pregnancy appointment. Tomorrow, they will confirm if I am pregnant.

I'm pretty sure two sticks and intuition are true. I mean, I've had this body for 30+ years and I'd like to think I listen to my body and can interrupt signs most of the time.

I keep thinking about you. Today, I feel like I'm conversing with you. I know that you will be loved by so many. You will never be without love. Your grandmoms will spoil you rotten. Your granddads will be so proud of you. Your uncle will probably plan camping trips with you.

You will be loved.

I'm not apprehensive of being a parent. I'm apprehensive of everything else. I know your dad and I will take care of you and want you to be the best person and we will do what we need to help you use the gifts God has given you.

Today is the St. Elizabeth's feast day. I think it fortuitous. God has blessed your dad and I. St. Elizabeth, pray for us as we become three.
I'm so nervous. This afternoon I found a brown spot in my panties. This evening after dinner, I felt cramping and brown spots in my underwear.

My breasts have stopped aching and I'm strangely feeling back to myself again. Of course, this makes me nervous, happy, sad and upset all at once.

Holy crap, I know it's not good to be worried and an emotional mess but this whole thing is scaring me.

Hubby has been sweet and rubbed the belly until I fell asleep.

I still don't know what he thinks of this all. I guess that's normal. Someone has to be the stable emotional person as I peak and valley.

I find that since my breasts have hurt, I constantly feel myself up. I know that sounds weird but it's like some physical validation this is real although I still don't know if it's real.

Maybe the lack of breast discomfort is freaking me out more than the brown spotting. I mean, I know it's normal for occasional brown spotting.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Another pee stick, another positive

I took another test today. Yup, it's still positive. This time though, I'm not as freaked. I'm still emotional and really nervous. I barely could hold it together at church. I didn't expect the number one emotion to be fear and nervousness.

Hubby asked me how I felt today, "Better now that I could speak to you," I said. He later caught me rummaging through a "What to expect when expecting' I borrowed from the lending library in our building. I picked it up while he walked the dogs.

"What are you reading?" "Symptoms of pregnancy." "Are you trying to get pregnant?" "No, I'm not trying to get pregnant." "So you think you're pregnant?" "Yes, we talked about this last night."

I'm guessing this is the it's not real 'til it's real that I've been told is a male reaction to pregnancy.

I plan to call the Ob on Monday to schedule an appointment. Do I invite him to come along? Is it premature?

DH went to the gym to exercise and clear the air. While he was away, he had a dozen of the most beautiful smelling roses delivered to me. It made my day.

Saturday, November 03, 2007


Something doesn't feel normal with my body. I'm only a week late but still.

I peed on a stick yesterday before I met Jude's for dinner and an African dance class. Essentially the scene was me running home from work, changing, peeing on a stick, walking the dogs, coming back to see the stick with 2 lines, complaining these tests are too expensive to be inaccurate and then hopping the train to Chelsea.

I then proceeded to try to understand a man who spoke extremely limited English. Now, I'm not saying I'm a wallflower or lacking in rhythm but clearly my butt has not experienced the movement that was needed to perform African dancing competently.

This one girl was phenomenal. She kept trying in vain to show me how to move it just so. I'm pretty sure a few of these girls religiously take the class and as I newbie, I should understand this is not going to be something I'll pick up in one lesson. Still, it was incredible to see these girls move so quickly and in rhythm.

I'd try it again but hopefully with someone who speaks a bit more English and at a studio where they mop the floors a bit more. I soaked my feet for a half hour when I got home to get the dirt off.

I finally vented and let my apprehensions and fears out to hubby. All day I kept thinking the timing was not ideal and that I'm closing the door on so much for my husband and myself. I realized I was scared most of all that my relationship with him would be changed forever and not for the best.

I think he took it well. I was such an emotional basket case he couldn't be anything else but open and calming. I know I will need to give him time to absorb it all.

I need to schedule an appointment with the doctors. Hopefully we'll get a definitive. For now, I'm running to the drugstore for prenatals just in case and I'm skipping the wine.

Friday, November 02, 2007

The power of one pee stick

I had a dream. I had a baby boy and all my apprehensions from fears for his health, fears i couldn't support him, wouldn't be a good parent left me. The apprehension, nerves and unpreparedness came swamping into my dream but somehow or another things worked out. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy and went back to work without issue. I went back to work and was still a good mom. Things seem to fit. There were a few alterations but all in all, things worked out.

I woke up relieved and assured.

It was the type of dream that soothed the soul and made me want to continue on even after I awoke.

I think I can do this. Everything will work out.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Is it better to be my friend or an et al?

After spending a long day bartering, begging and asking for things, I just want to hear, "I'm doing it as we speak." once.

It's days like these that make me question my abilities as a parent and somehow thankfully parenting may not be in my future.

I've never been one to say I was patient but there are times where I do find my patience is stronger than others in my position.

We all take a degree of crap in our day but there is a difference between home crap and et al crap. I think I saw from the norm. I can take much more et al crap than home crap.

Call me whatever but I feel close friends/family are held at a higher standard than et als.

Maybe that's why I'm more combative with family and friends.

Who knows. I just want to go home now and grab a cool cocktail, kick these slingbacks off and let the day slide off.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Happy Birthday to Me

I had a very nice birthday this year. My brother, his gal, my man and I went to Sylvia's for a Gospel brunch and our first chicken and waffles.

Surprisingly, I really enjoyed the whole fried chicken/waffle bit. I thought it would be too much for a Sunday brunch but it hit the spot. I gobbled every last bit including my grits. mmmmmm grits. I love grits. I think I may be the only northern that likes grits. I may be the only person who loves bland grits.

My brother's gal gave me a cool ice cream lazy susan I hope to use on Thanksgiving to top the blueberry pie I plan to make for dessert.

All in all, I loved the quiet and lazy weekend, even the trip to Connecticut to get hubby's new toy.

A Gift for Me...

A Gift for Mr. PG...

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Monday, October 01, 2007

Sunday used to be for family oriented programming

Sunday nights seem to be one of the busier nights for our DVR. Thankfully there are only a few shows added to our current line up. I started watching Tell Me You Love Me and Lucy, Daughter of the Devil.

I’ve only seen one episode of Lucy so I’ll refrain my opinion but I will share my favorite line of said episode, “Does it always have to be temptation?” “It doesn't always have to be temptation, but sometimes, it's too hard to resist.”

I’ve seen three or four episodes of TMYLM. I can safely say they can do without the sex. It adds nothing to the story. The sex adds nothing to the characters. It makes me uncomfortable not because it’s a stranger’s genitalia bobbing all over my screen but because the sex is bad. It’s bad, unsatisfying sex. No gratification is seen for the male or female. It’s sex for the act of sex and not for gratification. Get rid of the bobbing balls and women peeing without wiping and add a few more session scenes.

Honestly, the only couple I actually like, which makes my husband cringe, is the old psychiatrist and her husband. I’m not saying the old coot’s bare wrinkly ass turned me on but at least they looked like they were having fun and enjoying themselves.

It’s gotten to the point now where I fast forward the sex scenes and I don’t feel like I’m missing anything crucial to the plot.

HBO, I know you guys want to add another, disturbed family show to your line up but showing boring sex or women peeing without wiping (seriously, that’s disgusting) is not going to bring you any critical acclaim or awards.

Over the summer I also watched Flight of the Conchords. I’ll be honest, it took a while to reel me in but now I can’t help but move along with the salt and pepper shakers. I also Kristen Schaal last year at Moonwork and she amuses me.

Pg’s Sunday Lineup includes:
The Simpsons
Family Guy
American Dad
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Robot Chicken
Shark (but he’s on his way out)
Law & Order (January)
Viva Laughlin (just so I can say I watched another Brit program Americanized to an early grave)

Friday, September 28, 2007

What's in PG's DVR Part I

Every September, my OCD comes out to play with my DVR. I clean out the DVR and schedule the new fall shows into my scheduled recordings. My husband marvels at the concentration and planning this requires.

I've done this so often I have a routine. In early September, I review the upfront reviews and pick the shows I want to check out. I review my current DVR list and locate premiere dates. I clean out the recordings, DVD episodes I want to keep.
I'm not so crazy that I record and save entire seasons although I know many who do.

Then the fun begins, I calculate and prioritize shows for recording. Why? Because there are days I have more than 2 shows that I'd like to see. Since my DVR only allows simultaneous recording of two shows, I have to tape my 3rd choices elsewhere. In my case, that means my bedroom DVR is my backup DVR.

I'll be honest, since we delinked our DVRs (we used to be able to see shows regardless of which DVR recorded it), my bedroom DVR has become the stepchild. Currently on my bedroom DVR I have:
the last 6 Little House Eps to complete my quest to watch all Little House episodes,
the Runaway Caboose episode of Little House when the railroad owner said, "it'd be strange young man who didn't push and yank when he had the chance",
the latest 30 minutes of NY1 in the morning, with my favorite segment, In The Papers,
the latest Robot Chicken,
the last scheduled Futurama episode "We no can dunk, but good fundamentals.",
the last scheduled Harvey Birdman episode,
the Forest episode of Planet Earth where the little bird falls from the tree in dramatic slow motion,
the latest episode of 24,
the latest episode of Doctor Who (season three).

The last two are back up copies. I learned this trick after the season five fiasco of 24 where it took three failed attempts and a burned copy transported cross the isle of Manhattan to view it.

Ok, for a grown woman, I have a lot of cartoons but in my defense, when it's 3am and I need something to fall asleep to, Futurama beats any Real Estate infomercial out there. Plus, how else am I going to memorize all of Professor Farnsworth's quotes. "Did everything just jump around, or did my brain just stroke of there for a second?"

I digress. My living room DVR definitely gets more finger action. Each year, September premieres and DVR scheduling becomes more complicated simply because we are slowly leaning towards cable network shows.

Discovery and Sci Fi channel takes a good portion of our DVR hard drive pie. It was easy when all I had to do was plan recordings based on the major networks. Choices were limited. Now, I'm trying to schedule 3 sometimes 4 shows simultaneously. Don't ask me how I get to watch them with my schedule.

Next time, I'll expand and give you my impressions of the new shows. I usually refrain from giving an opinion about a new show until the 2nd or 3rd episode. This year, I found a show I couldn't even bear to watch a second episode. The first show to get the heave ho from Pantrygirl's coveted DVR pie, Flash Gordon. Kudos for keeping Queen but my Flash Gordon underroos can't believe the original movie will live on in my brain as the better version.

Maybe it's sentimentality. Flash Gordon will always be the movie my brother sat captivated watching on the floor of our babysitter's home.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

What I learned about cruising...

1. It's not home cooking but you won't go hungry.
2. Save your money and don't frequent extra expense restaurants.
3. I heart casinos but only if my hubby is around.
4. Attending cruise shows with Pantrygirl can lead to either extreme laughter or extreme embarrassment. In some cases both. Lord help you if you attend a cruise show with Pantrygirl and Muthafunga.
5. People will pay for a cruise to play a pick up game of basketball or golf out at sea.
6. You can buy a bottle of wine and pretty much walk around like a pirate and no one will care.
7. You can buy a bucket of beer and pretty much walk around like frat boy and no one will care.
8. Lucy Ricardo was really childish and annoying. I now understand why Ricky kept spanking her and not in the kinky way either.
9. Hot tubs are for very social people and not in the fun way.
10. People will pay for a cruise to run around a deck out at sea.
11. Surprisingly, seafood isn't always the best choice out at sea.
12. Duty Free = Grey Goose and Johnnie Walker Black for everyone!
13. When you feel like you're going around in circles, you probably are.