Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Who knew cooking would be difficult

I know this sounds odd but I'm not keen on meat as of late. I'll eat it because I know it's good for the bean but I have to force myself. I tried chicken, pork and beef. Nothing.

It makes cooking dinner hard. I'm ok with ground beef so long as it's not marinated or seasoned too much.

I'm trying to figure out what's going on.

Tonight I think I'll have chicken soup. The dilemma now is what to give hubby as chicken soup is not going to fill him up.

I thought about mac and beef but I'm too lazy to cook the beef. Yes, it's 4:30pm and the sleepiness has hit. It doesn't help that I was up at 5:30 this morning getting ready for an early morning meeting.

I'm trying to be a good wife and provide sustenance for DH but right now all I can think of is getting through my 5pm meeting and then heading home for a nice nap.

A salad with soup is my dinner. What do I make for hubby?

Monday, November 26, 2007

First Prenatal Appointment

I went for my official prenatal bloodwork today. Things appear to be good. I also scheduled the FTS in 3 weeks.

Your dad is going to help me with the fingersticking that needs to be sent to the lab prior to the ultrasound.

I'm not grossed out by blood but the idea of sticking myself is not appealing.

When I was younger and spent many summers away from home, I was the girl people ran to when they were hurt. I washed bruises and cuts numerous times. I'm ok with blood and guts. I'm not cool with poking myself. Go figure. This comes from the girl that stapled her finger when she was 10.

Anywho, dad only had one question for the doc, "Is Bean healthy?" When I came home with your ultrasound, dad went through the books again to find out where you were in development.

Then he read the chapter on how pregnancy effects the male. When I asked him if he felt any symptoms he said, "Fear of poverty. Is that a symptom?"

I think he's taking it well. After all, he keeps reminding me that 69% of males surveyed were ambivalent when first told they were to be a dad. As your dad says, "With all the emotions flowing through a woman, a man has to balance things out. We can't have two crazy people running around like nuts."

I think he's excited, deep down inside. It's just harder for him to feel participatory right now as you're living inside me and not him. Trust me, I think you're better rooming with me for a bit. :-)

Sunday, November 25, 2007


This entry is a bit late but it's never too late to share what you're thankful for.

Lately, the realization my life will never be the same has hit me and hubby like a ton of bricks. I can't say how he feels but I'm scared, nervous, excited, worried, happy, confident and optimistic all at the same time.

But when push comes to shove, I really am thankful of this blessing. I know that hubby and I may not feel prepared but we're smart, level headed, caring, loving people who will learn, find a way and adjust.

It's not easy and it won't get any easier but we both have the same objective, to be good parents and do what needs to be done for our child.

So this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for this blessing and opportunity. I prayed for direction and guidance and purpose and I know this is His mission for us.
I have developed Smelly-sense. It's like Spidey-sense but without the webbing.

I can smell garlic from a mile away. A few days ago your dad opened the trash can to dump something and I could smell the rotting food with garlic while slumbering. I woke up cranky and annoyed the smell was permeating my nostrils.

I spent the day avoiding the kitchen and requesting your dad to aerate the house.

Ever since, I notice your dad takes the trash out every day regardless if its too full. You're dad is the best.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Captain Research

This week is our first prenatal appointment.

Today, Dad wants to research another gift for you.

Your dad is an extremely focused man when he wants to be. When he is, don't get in his way. What I still need to learn is to go with the flow. That's not so easy for me, especially when I'm trying to figure what my body is going to surprise me with on a daily basis.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Turkey Day

Your first Thanksgiving ended successfully. I was worried mom would be aware but she wasn't. I guess what they say is true, most people will not notice.

I made more than I thought I would but it worked out in the end. Mom made yummy pumpkin soup. I asked her to make soup for Christmas. Maybe it can become a tradition.

I was very exhausted volunteering today. The pain in my butt muscle came back while standing up. I had to take a break and sit for bit before the guests arrived.

Instead of carrying the trays this time, I was head waitress and needed to make sure the waiters served in an orderly fashion.

It was nice. It made me think of how I'd like you to participate in this one day as well. It's alot of fun and you leave happy that you met such nice people and that there are others like you who want to help and do good.

Thanksgiving shouldn't be a time of gluttony and shopping but a time of giving back. I hope I instill some of that in you.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Location, location, location

You know how they say women go into pregnancy/parent mode immediately? Well, I don't think it's that we get there immediately but that we're sort of forced into it more quickly as we're the center of the action.

Men on the other hand are side line players waiting at the wings. They're the catcher and we're the pitcher. [i]Forgive the bad analogy.[/i]

I was given the advice to tell your dad in a way he would have some space to absorb the whole, "We're having a baby."

I texted him the picture of you. He knew I was going to confirm but I figured the picture would be a visual aid for him.

If you remember a few weeks back, he left work early and immediately proceeded to research your second gift, Sam, the Toyota Prius.

Well, now that your 7 weeks into the world and dad has heard your heartbeat. Dad has moved to 'Captain/Defender' of the ship. Call him Captain Dad.

He's researching and planning and organizing. That isn't anything new for your dad but what's new for me is how his views have changed and how smoothly they have changed.

Your dad is a big city guy. He loves NYC. When I first met him, there was no other place he could think of to live but in NYC.

When he started his research to find a place in the city for us, he looked everywhere. He even checked out Brooklyn and Queens. He even looked at New Jersey. [i]One day you'll understand how big this is for your dad.[/i]

They are all still in the running but your dad said something last night that turned the page for me. He said, "I want our baby to grow up with family. I want our baby to be surrounded by loved ones and I want a backyard for us to play in."

Dad and I grew up differently. I lived in a suburban house with a backyard. Your dad lived in several apartments and moved constantly.

But the one thing we both always had was family surrounding us.

Your dad was an only child but he was spent many a days with your Great Aunt/Uncle's kids. In fact, I think of your cousin Dave as more as an brother to your dad.

My cousins and aunts and uncles were always at my house growing up. It was tradition to spend a few weeks during the summer together crammed together.

I think your dad wants that for you too.

To do that, dad knows we need to move out of the city. Strangely enough, what was a tough battle with him before you arrived has now become something he is freely willing to do.

See baby bean, you've wormed your way into your dad's heart already and you're only .8 inches long!

I may be on the mound but your dad is right there through every step and we can't wait to meet you.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Bean's first list

Things Bean likes and doesn't like:

Baby bean doesn't like onions or garlic. If it's faint and mashed in, it's ok. If it's chunky and the smell is visible, not so much.

Baby bean doesn't like fake/artificial flavors. If it's not 'real', skip it.

Baby bean really likes potatoes.

Baby bean likes milk, really really cold milk.

Baby bean likes apples but not apple juice or apple cider.

When baby bean gets hungry and mommy doesn't eat, mom gets queasy and hunger pangs all at the same time. This is not a good feeling.

Baby beans isn't keen on too many meats. Even preparing it can be trying at times.

Baby bean really likes ginger ale. A glass a day really perks baby bean and mom up.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Starchs Good. Garlic Bad.

Hello Bean!

I wore maternity pants to work today! Man does that make you less self conscious your pants will fall off or that you look like you're in a sausage casing!

Then again, I dressed down today so i also wore an untucked button down shirt.

This is very unusual for me and several people commented. I told them honestly that I planned to spend the day under desks and work stations working on PCs and most people accepted the answer.

I normally don't work on PCs. I'm not a hardware person but I did have to go to test a script push on individual PCs scattered throughout the campus. The odds I'd be on the floor under desks would be slim but it was a good excuse and I did wind up going under two desks at two separate locations so I wasn't actually fibbing.

I know alot of the bump is bloat now but I'm still reluctant to button my pants to the point of discomfort.

I'm happier with a skirt or a dress but it's getting colder. In fact, it snowed for the first time today. I guess that's your first snow, baby bean. They were big chunky flakes but they didn't stick.

In a few days you get to celebrate your first Thanksgiving meal! I'm making basics. I'm sure you'll like it as most of what I make is what your dad likes.

I've noticed that you really enjoy the foods dad likes. You're a big fan of potatoes and crackers.

I'm having a hard time eating meat but I know the protein is necessary for your growing body. I try to eat at least one or two pieces of protein a day but I know it's been difficult for me.

I never thought that would happen because I'm a big meat eater but I guess our tastes are a little different.

I've also noticed your not keen on garlic and onions as much as I am. Last night, the smell of the chopped onions made me gag a little.

You don't mind onions in your salad though. It's very odd.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

I should enjoy eating more

Hey Baby Bean. The last two days I was at a work retreat. I was too exhausted for anything.

I spent most the day catching up on rest. Your dad joined me for an afternoon nap.

My belly is growing again. This time it doesn't feel weird. Maybe I'm getting used to it. My waist though is slowly disappearing.

I wonder if I'm growing too fast. At the same time everything I read says and my instinct says to follow my body's instinct.

I've learned now that you're really hungry when I get nauseous. It's a weird, I'm hungry yet want to throw up feeling. I'm slowly timing my meals to avoid that feeling.

Plus, before you, baby bean, I really didn't have 3 full meals a day. So between the two, I guess I would grow a bit bigger.

We'll see what the doc says. I would be hard pressed to deny you food though, baby bean. You're growing and need your nutrients. I need my nutrients to give you a safe home to grow.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The secret

Baby bean, my belly sometimes feels hard. I guess you're really settling in.

Dad fell asleep last night with his hand intertwined with mine and resting over you. Did you feel us hugging you?

I'm thinking of how to tell your grandmas and grandpas. I'm pretty sure I know how we're going to tell them.

Next is how to tell your aunt and uncle. You uncle is super and I'm not just saying that because he's my brother. He's going to be a great uncle too. He's big and will give you big airplane rides like how our dad used to. He'll probably teach you baseball and of course camping skills.

Your aunt is closer to your age than you would believe. She'll probably give you the skinny on what's cool and what's not.

I wonder if I should tell your grandparents before the end of the first trimester. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It's really hard to keep a secret this big too. But at the same time there's something about keeping you a secret between your dad and I just a little bit longer.

Soon enough, everyone will know your arrival and your dad and I will be swimming in questions, suggestions and comments. It's nice to enjoy the calm and the shared secret.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Can you hear the beating of my heart?

Baby Bean, dad and I heard you for the first time! Your heartbeat is so strong!

Seeing your heartbeat was even more amazing.

I can't believe all of this is happening inside of me. I can't believe a human being is growing inside of little me.

Bean, I love you. Dad loves you.

We're now spending the night flipping through textbooks to learn more about your development.

I love you, Baby Bean.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Good Eats

The fatigue and what I can only think is a slower metabolism leading to nausea is making cooking a chore.

At certain times, I'm so hungry yet the idea of putting food in my mouth makes it dry and the feeling of gagging creeps in.

How can you be hungry and nauseous at the same time? Thankfully, so far I'm not knocked off my shoes by these feelings. I've held myself together for the most part.

It does make me worry about Turkey day dinner. I'm not sure how I'm going to pull it off but I'll try. I've decided to forego the diabetic friendly dinner I had planned since I should avoid man made sweeteners.

I plan to have the traditional setting with a few minor adjustments:
creamed corn
double mash potatoes
smashed potatoes
pumpkin pie

Of course this will be finalized next week. My appetite fluctuates. Originally I wanted to make mushroom stuffing but to be honest, mushrooms are turning me off right now.
Ok, bean, close your eyes.

Since that spotting scare and the fatigue, I'm not cuddling as much as I'd like with DH. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely attracted to him but I'm so flipping tired and scared of the spotting, I'm reluctant to initiate. I know I have to get through this. This isn't normal for me but how do you tell a pregnant person to relax?
Bean, you sure like potatoes. I had a baked potato today as part of my lunch and you savored every last morsel.

Every since, I've been in a super good mood. The fatigue that usual befalls me around 3:30 isn't here and I'm happy. I'm still warm and acting like a portable space heater but I'm happy.

Monday, November 12, 2007

When does this begin to feel real?

Is this real, baby bean? Are you really here? Sometimes it doesn't feel real at all. Sometimes it feels like this is a dream.

You think your entire life that this will be something you are blessed with but I suppose it doesn't really hit you until it actually happens.

Maybe this is how men feel. There isn't a tangible just yet. The symptoms are there. Logically, I know you are here but sometimes I feel like I will suddenly wake up and this was all just a figment of my imagination.

It's just so big to comprehend. I spent my whole life feeling like I was too young. Could I really be a mom to someone when I could barely care for myself? Could I raise someone who would be an asset to this world?

I suppose God works in mysterious ways and he believes your dad and I can and will. All I can do is teach you patience and compassion. All I can do is teach you appreciation and simplicity in life and I won't be alone.

I know your family, your friends and God will be there teaching and guiding you as well. You are not alone, little one. We will be here for you.
Last night, the fatigue really creeped up on me. It was so bad i started worrying this is what I would feel like for the entire pregnancy.

I know it comes and goes and is at it's worse the first and third trimester but it really socks you.

One minute, you're in the shower feeling all refreshed and squeaky clean. The next, your sitting on your ottoman in your bathrobe wondering if a nap would be a good idea.

Your dad says I sleep as much as I normally do but I swear I am more sleepy now.

Let's put it this way, last night, I left the laundry to be folded on the couch because I just didn't have the energy to sort and fold it.
I've decided, I need to steer clear of the grocery store for a while. After work, I stopped at the store to pick up some veggies for dinner. Instead I came home with 5 russet potatoes, 1 bag of crinkle fries and a container of cherry vanilla ice cream. Ok, I also got a cucumber and some cauliflower but that I didn't eat the cauliflower last night like I should have.

I did scarf down an entire bag of fries though. Ok, your dad helped.

I'm guessing your appetite is like dad's. Potatoes are good. Ice Cream is good.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Gift #2 for Bean

Morning bean! I was pretty tired last night but I'm doing ok today. Today we both get to check out dad's gift to you.

He has been up the last two nights reading all the manuals. He even got excited when we were watching Scrubs last night and JD received a blue Prius. Yup, dad got you a 2008 Blue Toyota Prius.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Forget skipping the maxipad aisle

Baby bean, I'm going to be disgusting here. Sorry but you are sure busy cleaning house. I'm not used to this at all. It's been 1 week since I found out you moved in and you've been making yourself comfortable.

I'm glad but I'm still not used to all the housecleaning.

Did you get your mom's organization trait?
Tomato Soup was really tasty today.
Milk is tasty too but leads to a lot of gas.

Thursday, November 08, 2007


I passed out like a rock yesterday as usual. I had a glass of chocolate milk and reclined on the big sofa. The next thing I know I recall your dad coming to sit by my feet and that was it.

I woke up at 6am, an hour past my usual wake up when I wake up on the couch. I went to bed but I just couldn't sleep. I was so restless. My body was tired but my brain was on jog mode. Sorry baby bean. Hope you had a better night's sleep.

I finally passed out at 7 but woke up at 7:45 to the sound of construction workers outside the bedroom window. The building is in the final stages of repointing work. Normally, the noise doesn't bother me but today, I was very peeved.
Today I had the first queasy feeling. Someone at the office was nuking some lunch. I had to close the door to my office. It's now 2:37, 2 hours after my usual lunch time since I found out you were living in me and I can't get the courage to eat my lunch. The idea of putting food in my mouth is not sitting well.

I find I'm more comfortable in dresses and stockings at this stage. It's not that you're popping out yet. The books say it's mainly stuff shifting to make room for you but I'm still more comfortable with no elastic around the belly.

Your dad is nearly complete with his second gift for you. He's been working and researching diligently.

Last night your dad and I talked about your grandmoms. We're both certain both of them will spoil you rotten.

Your dad is certain your MaMa will want to move in to help settle you in once you make your presence into this big world. This is a bit scary and too 'Everybody Loves Raymond' for us.

That will happen in due time. For now, enjoy the accommodations and let me know if you need anything, baby bean.
I went back to the treadmill today. I haven't been back since that scare on Monday. I was still nervous so I jogged for 15 minutes and power walked for 15. I didn't do any bike. Dad needed help getting directions to pick up your gift.

Today, I learned that orange juice cut with water is pretty tasty. I haven't had cravings yet but I do notice certain foods taste really good. Today it was orange juice cut with water. A few days ago jasmine rice was rocking.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Out in public

Today is my first day back to the office since the news of your arrival.

As I was making my way in, I had a silly grin on my face. It was the kind of grin that says, 'I know something you don't know.' I tried to conceal it as much as I could. Even though I knew no one but your dad and I could tell physically you were here, i wondered whether or not others could.

Still I made it through the morning fairly well. I had one scare when a colleague exclaimed, "Did you see the belly?" and pointed to me. She really was pointing to a colleague behind me who is due in January. I thought I was about to have a heart attack.

Concentration-wise, I think I did fairly well. I did sneak a few researching moments here and there but overall, I managed to review my calendar, answer calls and emails and prepare for an evening meeting.

Honestly, I know my pants aren't constricting you but you never know. If you need some more room, give me a sign.

Speaking of signs, I'm having some weird pressing pain on the right side of the uterus. It's like someone is pressing down.

Tonight, I'm going to ask your dad to take a photo of the belly. I want to track you. It's 6 weeks to the day. Hope the room is hospitable for you. I see you're still spring cleaning. I guess you get that from me.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

My uterus has been subletted

Today was my confirmation appointment. I was very nervous as last night I began cramping and spotting.

I saw the PA, Lisa. She confirmed you were hanging out at La Casa de Pantrygirl and she had an ultrasound performed.

That's the gestational sac, where you're chillin. The sonographer said the yolk sac is too tiny to see.

Lisa also told me that I have a tiny fibroid that may eventually lead to heavier periods but that it would not effect the pregnancy.

She also said she didn't want to transfer me to a prenatal patient until next week's ultrasound which should include a faint heartbeat.

I was pretty emotional last night but today I'm in a good mood. Your dad sent the funniest text today. It pretty much reminded me not to worry to much because it would effect you. Of course, he did it in a way I wouldn't be angry at him. I kept the text and plan to use it to remind me every now and then not to worry too much.

I have learned one thing, follow the advice of the moms-to-be chat and buy pantyliners. I thought stuff wouldn't be coming out of me but it is. I guess your cleaning the apartment up for your extended stay.

I didn't receive an image today but the one you see above is from my camera phone. I texted it to your dad. I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not but I figured seeing the picture away from me would give him some room and I wouldn't scrutinize his reaction.

I don't know where this journey is going to take me but as of right now, I'm happy and excited and confident.
It's weird. I find that women, when they find out they are pregnant, immediately seek other women to share information with. They buy books, they read, they share and they sign up for chat rooms.

Men, at least, your dad, takes it to be his duty to research equipment. Now granted, I did say last night, "Honey, if I am pregnant, it's your responsibility to research the hardware. Everything I read and hear is to beg, borrow and nearly steal for most equipment since the kid is going to outgrow things quickly." "You got it, honey. That I can do."

I didn't expect him to take to it like duck to water. Ok, maybe I did and that's why I thought he'd be perfect for it. That and the fact that I am probably the one woman out there that hates the stress of shopping for anything besides shoes and clothes.

Two hours after I sent him the first sonogram, he texted that he's looking into 4 door sedans. I guess when I said equipment, I should have been more specific. I know he's right though. It's not like I can strap you onto my husband's Harley or strap into our Mini Cooper, Clyde. I mean, I suppose I could but if it takes a parent 20 minutes to strap their kid into an SUV, how long is it going to take me to strap you into a two door European hatchback? And I'm not counting the times I'll need to check everything because of the OCD.
You're dad came home early today. He joked that his hair is now whiter. He also said that you shouldn't be bumping around in a tiny car.

He told his boss which makes her the first person we've told. We haven't told your grandparents yet. I think I'd like to wait until you're a little bigger, possibly around Christmas. You would make the best Christmas present ever for your grandparents.
You're dad went to search for a new car for you. Dad's first present to you. Ok, second present. Of course, in his enthusiasm, he forgot to search for where the dealerships are. I just texted him the addresses.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Reality slowly settling in...

Today I scheduled my confirmation of pregnancy appointment. Tomorrow, they will confirm if I am pregnant.

I'm pretty sure two sticks and intuition are true. I mean, I've had this body for 30+ years and I'd like to think I listen to my body and can interrupt signs most of the time.

I keep thinking about you. Today, I feel like I'm conversing with you. I know that you will be loved by so many. You will never be without love. Your grandmoms will spoil you rotten. Your granddads will be so proud of you. Your uncle will probably plan camping trips with you.

You will be loved.

I'm not apprehensive of being a parent. I'm apprehensive of everything else. I know your dad and I will take care of you and want you to be the best person and we will do what we need to help you use the gifts God has given you.

Today is the St. Elizabeth's feast day. I think it fortuitous. God has blessed your dad and I. St. Elizabeth, pray for us as we become three.
I'm so nervous. This afternoon I found a brown spot in my panties. This evening after dinner, I felt cramping and brown spots in my underwear.

My breasts have stopped aching and I'm strangely feeling back to myself again. Of course, this makes me nervous, happy, sad and upset all at once.

Holy crap, I know it's not good to be worried and an emotional mess but this whole thing is scaring me.

Hubby has been sweet and rubbed the belly until I fell asleep.

I still don't know what he thinks of this all. I guess that's normal. Someone has to be the stable emotional person as I peak and valley.

I find that since my breasts have hurt, I constantly feel myself up. I know that sounds weird but it's like some physical validation this is real although I still don't know if it's real.

Maybe the lack of breast discomfort is freaking me out more than the brown spotting. I mean, I know it's normal for occasional brown spotting.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Another pee stick, another positive

I took another test today. Yup, it's still positive. This time though, I'm not as freaked. I'm still emotional and really nervous. I barely could hold it together at church. I didn't expect the number one emotion to be fear and nervousness.

Hubby asked me how I felt today, "Better now that I could speak to you," I said. He later caught me rummaging through a "What to expect when expecting' I borrowed from the lending library in our building. I picked it up while he walked the dogs.

"What are you reading?" "Symptoms of pregnancy." "Are you trying to get pregnant?" "No, I'm not trying to get pregnant." "So you think you're pregnant?" "Yes, we talked about this last night."

I'm guessing this is the it's not real 'til it's real that I've been told is a male reaction to pregnancy.

I plan to call the Ob on Monday to schedule an appointment. Do I invite him to come along? Is it premature?

DH went to the gym to exercise and clear the air. While he was away, he had a dozen of the most beautiful smelling roses delivered to me. It made my day.

Saturday, November 03, 2007


Something doesn't feel normal with my body. I'm only a week late but still.

I peed on a stick yesterday before I met Jude's for dinner and an African dance class. Essentially the scene was me running home from work, changing, peeing on a stick, walking the dogs, coming back to see the stick with 2 lines, complaining these tests are too expensive to be inaccurate and then hopping the train to Chelsea.

I then proceeded to try to understand a man who spoke extremely limited English. Now, I'm not saying I'm a wallflower or lacking in rhythm but clearly my butt has not experienced the movement that was needed to perform African dancing competently.

This one girl was phenomenal. She kept trying in vain to show me how to move it just so. I'm pretty sure a few of these girls religiously take the class and as I newbie, I should understand this is not going to be something I'll pick up in one lesson. Still, it was incredible to see these girls move so quickly and in rhythm.

I'd try it again but hopefully with someone who speaks a bit more English and at a studio where they mop the floors a bit more. I soaked my feet for a half hour when I got home to get the dirt off.

I finally vented and let my apprehensions and fears out to hubby. All day I kept thinking the timing was not ideal and that I'm closing the door on so much for my husband and myself. I realized I was scared most of all that my relationship with him would be changed forever and not for the best.

I think he took it well. I was such an emotional basket case he couldn't be anything else but open and calming. I know I will need to give him time to absorb it all.

I need to schedule an appointment with the doctors. Hopefully we'll get a definitive. For now, I'm running to the drugstore for prenatals just in case and I'm skipping the wine.

Friday, November 02, 2007

The power of one pee stick

I had a dream. I had a baby boy and all my apprehensions from fears for his health, fears i couldn't support him, wouldn't be a good parent left me. The apprehension, nerves and unpreparedness came swamping into my dream but somehow or another things worked out. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy and went back to work without issue. I went back to work and was still a good mom. Things seem to fit. There were a few alterations but all in all, things worked out.

I woke up relieved and assured.

It was the type of dream that soothed the soul and made me want to continue on even after I awoke.

I think I can do this. Everything will work out.