Friday, September 28, 2012

Shutting down now...

I'm not always the strong one. In all relationships, there needs to be a see sawing to allow each person to be human.
For months now I've been trying to be the strong one and I've hit my breaking point.
I'm done.
I'm am tired of walking on egg shells.
I'm tired of saying one word and then hearing a tirade with a "I'm just telling you how I feel, can I not tell you how I feel?" guilt.
I know when I'd rather be anywhere but home that I've hit the wall.
My head is all cloudy.
I have a million projects for work.
I have a million projects I actually want to do for home and the support I get nowadays is, "Yes you are the only one who wants to do that. How long do you want to do that anyway?"
There are only a few things I want to do for myself and although they may not be what other's consider their happy zone, they are mine.
I don't belittle your happy zone, don't belittle mine.
Support my interests as I support yours. That's all I'm asking.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

No more mucus, please

For the past two weeks my house has been filled with sick children and adults and a dog.
It has been mucus this and mucus that.
By Friday of last week I had it. I started scrubbing and cleaning everything top and bottom.
I was done. Now scrubbing nowadays does not entail the labor and time that I used to have.
Nowadays I'm happy that I can scrub it to a presentable appearance.
I have kids now. There are crayons on the wall.
I have a dog that ate my pre-war wall.
I'm just happy that the floor isn't sticky and the fingerprints on my stainless steel fridge make a pretty pattern.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

We're all yellow, kid.

The other day in the elevator, my daughter exclaimed there were brown people and that she was yellow.
My immediate reaction was to ask who told her that she was yellow but withheld myself.
I asked her to clarify.
me: You are yellow?
DD: Yes and so are you.
me: Oh.
DD: And so is Daddy. See, our skin is yellow.
me: Oh, yes, our skin is yellow.

I'd like to think that she's still very young and has not been subjected to this derogatory statement. Still it made me pause and wonder what other kids may say to her and how it's important to let her know how her parents felt on the subject. Afterall, we are a strong influence on the opinions she will make.

Then it made me think of an incident at the playground a few weeks prior.
DH is like the pied piper for kids. He treats kids like they are human beings and not beneath an adult, which is one of the reasons why he's an awesome at home dad.
Anyway, two children of a eastern european background were talking to him and asking him questions about our dog and he was showing them how to approach a strange dog and how they should ask the owner of a pet permission before approching a dog.
The conversation somehow shifted and the youngest kid made a statement that he has to lock his doors so the 'black people' don't break into his apartment. His older sister shot him a death stare.
DH chuckled a little and mentioned that it would be advisable to lock the door in general to be safe to which the boy corrected himself and said, yes.

I know parent's opinions, stereotypes and bigotry can perpetuate. Offspring look to them to see what is acceptable in their circle and they emulate it in their growing circle.

I'm not the type of person that believes we should be 'blind' to differences. I tell my kids that everyone is different and unique and that's what makes us special. I explain that everyone is different and that we can learn from each other which makes life fun and interesting.
Once my daughter asked me why things are different. I thought long and hard and I said, "Because life would be boring if we were all alike and the same. We are all the same as God made us but we are each made a tad different to help each other and to help spread God's love."
I don't know if that was the answer but I suppose as with everything in parenting, I won't know.
I do know that the questions will only get harder and I continue to pray that my children continue to be surrounded by those who have the love of God in their hearts and that they do not accept bigotry as acceptable.

Friday, September 21, 2012

A new leaf

My husband did something wonderful for me today.
He doesn't know it but he did.
He succintly expressed his frustrations and his funk to me.
I know this probably makes not sense but by him being able to express it verbally, it was a bit cathartic for me.
I'm not sure how he feels after he let it out but I feel better.
Now, I don't have a solution nor should I as he needs to get himself out of it but I now can better understand a bit what he might be going through.
Sometimes just being able to put things in words can turn the page and start the new chapter.
I will keep praying and trying my best to be strong.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Let it Go. Just Let it Go.

I'm feeling tired. Not the tired that a nap or sleep would cure.
I'm tired. I'm tired of juggling. I'm tired of trying to appease everyone and try to make things right or easier or manageable for others.
I'm spent.
Can I shut down? No.
I must go on for my kids and my husband and my family.
I'm tired though and the hardest part is to not let this get the better of me, not let my children become effected by this.
For a long time, I've been trying to find solutions to a problem that I cannot solve. I need to let it go.
It's easier said than done.
I'm trying though for my own sanity, I need to relinquish and free myself from the angst.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Sacred Space, or how the Bathroom has become our social club

I just sat here and had a 15 minute conversation with two fellow moms about how privacy in the bathroom does not exist for a mother.
For some reason, the bathroom is open forum for kids to come and go and discuss whatever with their moms. It doesn't matter the age either.

Mom#1: I'll be sitting there with my drawers on my ankles and they just come in to talk to me as if this is acceptable social behaviour.

Me: This morning, my infant son stood by the edge of the tub watching me shower. At least I knew he was safe. Then my daughter knocks on the door and asks if she can 'watch me shower'. Apparently I'm performance art.

Do men have these issues?
My husband doesn't. He locks the bathroom door.
Last time I tried that, I had to try to relieve myself with ongoing banging and a conversation between a door that I'm sure our neighbors heard.

DD: Mom, why did you lock the door?
Me: Because I need some privacy.
DD: But I'm not allowed to lock the door.
Me: Yes, but for Mommy it is ok sometimes to lock the door.
DD: Are you peeing or pooping?
Me: What?
DD: Are you peeing or pooping?
Me: Pooping.
DD: Is is stinky? Is it hard poops? Did you eat your vegetables?
Me: Why don't you check out the new puzzle book and I'll be out soon.
DD: {loud noises of items being dragged to and fro}
Me: Honey, what are you doing?
DD: {silence}

That's the kind of silence you don't like. That's the kind of silence that causes your natural body functions to completely shut down as your body knows you must get out there to see what destruction awaits you.
It's the kind of silence that leads to you going out to find she's dragged her chalkboard through the hallway, pulling all the rugs with it and scuffing the wooden floor underneath.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Society of Parental Knowledge

Anyone who thinks they couldn't benefit from shared experiences with others, is building a wall and causing stagnation.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Night Light

My daughter has started to use a night light.
She's fascinated with flashlights and since she was little but never used a nightlight per say.
We've use a headlight to read during cuddle time.
We have had this lantern by her bed for nighttime potting since she was 2.
Well, now it's now her nightlight. She leaves it on, closes her door now. I check on her every 10-15 minutes and when she falls asleep, I turn the flashlight off.
I have to leave it on her bed though. In the middle of the night, she will turn it on and make her way to the bathroom. 
She no longer has the entourage of 100 stuffed animals on her bed. She now just has her nightlight, mommy giraffe and daddy giraffe. Brother and sister giraffe stay on her nightstand with her headlamp.

It's actually quite cute. She's a huge robot fan and for as long as I can remember she calls the lego people robots.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Save, Spend and Share and a little Spanish lesson

So my daughter has shown interest in piggy banks. so now we're making our 3 banks and emphasizing saving, spending and sharing.  She still is learning the denominations but we think it's never to early to instill the 3s.
We explain sharing as being similar to what we do with our weekly tithing. I'm not sure if that's correct but it seems to work for her.

Oh and she asked how to say pee and poop in Spanish. Just in case you were wondering where the 4 year old is, she threw that in for good measure. :-)

Friday, September 14, 2012

I Beam

I feel like my husband has been in a funk lately and it's more than just his normal pre-birthday funk.
What's awful about it is I don't know how to get him out of it.
I know. I know.
It's not my call to get him out of it.
Still, as a wife, I wonder and ponder what could I do to help.
We all go through our funks.
I'll tell you those first few months with #1 was a major funk for me. I loved my daughter dearly but my world was rocked hard and it really caused me to reevaluate things.
Through it, my husband was pretty much optimistic.
I know things come. Things ebb and flow. That's life.
Maybe we are just going through another one these rides.
I try to be strong but my husband is the stronger of the two in reality but I'll be steadfast and brave for him. We are team and a family and we support each other.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

What happens in preschool stays in preschool.

Bean had her first day of school.

Honestly, I don't consider this school for whatever reason.

I'm sure if I had, I'd be more emotional.

The grandparents seem more emotional over it.

Still, we picked out a lovely backpack, robots.
We picked out a snack bag.

We made our snacks together and every evening at bedtime she gives me a request for her snack the next day.

She's at school for 2.5 hours a day.

She has been hush about what goes on.
I've only been able to extract they read a book about how dinosaurs go to school and she likes to play with the puzzles alot.

She even came home with an artwork in her backpack yesterday. Actually it was her name written in crayon. She doesn't write her name from left to right. From what we gather as long as all the letters are on the page somewhere, she says that's her name.

I asked her about it and she said, "I don't want to talk about it."

And so it begins. Just like her music class. What happens in preschool stays in preschool.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Where have I been?

Well in a nutshell trying not to loss my Schmidt.
Five years of intense attachment parenting, a sucky economy, a tired husband juggling fatherhood, husbandry and a slew of family crazies inquisitive four year old and a fast moving infant have left little time for sleep.
I've been dealing with introspective questions too. I generally let them out here but I just haven't had the time.
I watched the DNC last night and Smooth Bill should folks how to rally.
The economy sucks now and I think a lot about how my parents did it during an even worse economic time in the 70's.
I know I'm blessed and am thankful every day but as a parent you can't help worry. It doesn't consume me thankfully but it's never a good feeling.
Family has also been a weight Ob or shoulders. Instead of support my husband has had to juggle alot these days. I won't go into it but the man deserved a mancation but got wait for it

>600 miles clocked driving back and. forth for more family obligations than relaxation.