Wednesday, July 25, 2012


Being a parent has a degree of guilt. The trick is to realize when the guilt is sane or insane.
Some folks cannot manage this.
Unfortunately these same folks will displace this guilt on their kids.
I know I'm a new mom. I know that there is more for me to learn. I also know parenting is different for everyone and one size does not fit all.
However guilt is universal. Folks need to be able to manage it better.
My family is being affected by a person's guilt and regret. This miffs me.
I've never been a one to live in regret. I believe things happen for a reason.
Sure it sometimes is cool to think 'what if' but for the most part, I'm happy for the here and now.
So when people try to drag my family down in their 'what if's' and regrets, it pisses me off.
Leave my family alone.
Don't suck us into your inner turmoil vortex.

Monday, July 23, 2012

The Toilet Paper Roll Whisperer

I get asked once a week, why do you do this? Why don't you do nothing.
I can't. I'm a mom. I'm a wife. I'm a woman. We don't do nothing.

I really try not to multi-task. I know they say it's not good for you but bloody hell. Unless I have the magical ability to stop time, there is no way things can get done without it.

I am the woman that brushes her teeth and restocks the shampoos and soaps while showering.

I am the woman that makes dinner, washes dishes and makes grocery and menu lists while cooking.

I am the woman that wakes up early so she can sort trash and recyclables, sort laundry and review work emails.

It's just the way it has to be.
The one place I try not to multi-task is when playing with my kids.
I want them to know I have their attention. I expect theirs.

I also do things to help my family along. I will wake up early to start breakfast so that my husband doesn't have to worry about it while juggling two kids.

I will find his wallet, cellphone, keys, ids, etc and place them by the front door or charge them so they are fully charged the next morning.

I will refill the toilet paper and paper towels because I wouldn't want anyone to be in a bind.

I take the extra seconds to do the tiny things to avoid the annoyances or inconveniences yet I'm told either I am not prioritizing or when I do forget, it causes a cataclysmic eruption of "holy crap!"

What's the deal? Do I tell myself, suck it up, man. You got them into the habit of having toilet paper available. Just be glad you're not wiping their asses too.

Do I tell myself, stop? No, because I have to be all Christian and have a little voice that says, "Do unto other as you would have them do." By the way, that's when the human me says, "What I really like them to do is fill the damn toilet paper."

A few weeks ago, I noticed that empty toilet paper rolls were being left on a towel rack. Like little soldiers they were lined up to the point where they filled the length of the rack. What the hell is that about?
Honestly, is that a message to me to fill the damn toilet paper roll?

Anyone who knows me, knows that would not be me. Either I'd take the roll and stash it for some crazy arts and crafts project with the kids or I'd recycle it.

I left them there to see what would happen. Would anyone say anything to me? Would someone throw them out? I even had a girlfriend ask for a daily report. She'd text me, Don't recycle them no matter how much you want to.
So finally after several days of toilet paper soldiers staring at me as I peed, I asked my husband, "Ugh, what's up with the empty toilet paper holders?

DH: Huh? Oh, I thought you did that.
PG: Why would I do that?
DH: I don't know. I didn't notice them. You did.

WTH? How do you not notice 9 empty toilet paper rolls on the towel rack. Sure, you don't face that toilet rack when you go but still.

Honestly, does he just not see these things? Is it like male refrigerator blindness?

Friday, July 20, 2012

Augustus Gloop

I suppose the 'What if' question popped into my head because I've been wondering if men have the same feelings of guilt regarding ambition with their career.

Does everyone feel guilty for wanting more outside of the home?

There are few things I want to do but they will take me out of the home. Is that fair for the kids? Is that fair for me?

There seems to be alot of balancing that takes place in parenting.

I knew there was a lot of sacrificing but didn't expect the guilt and the balancing to be as large.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Sliding Doors

For the first time in 5 years, I wondered what my life would be like without the kids.
Not that I wouldn't want them. I just wondered for a brief moment where I would be, how would my relationship with my husband be, how different would my career be.
I don't think I'd be in NY.

I'm not longing for a change or anything. It was funny to actually have my brain pop that 'What if?'.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Another Daddy

My husband now has reading glasses.

My mother thinks this makes her old.

My daughter thinks this makes her dad 'another daddy'.

As he was reading her a bedtime story, she kept staring at him and then burst into laughter for 10 minutes. He asked what was so funny.
Her response, "You look like another daddy."

Monday, July 02, 2012

Mommy Guilt

It's been a very long time.
It's not that I didn't have anything to share.
I have tons.
That's the problem, I suppose.
I had to let things slide in order to be the parent I want to be.
We have hit that point of having two kids where we are living off of fumes these days.
In the words of my husband, "I don't know what day it is anymore. It just meshes into each other. I just want a decent night's sleep. When does that happen?"
It's not like our kids are a handful in a horrible way either.
They are just kids.
They are awesome kids.
One is nearly 4 and every day her questions and inquisitions are becoming harder and harder to answer. "How does the army protect us? Why do we have to wear sunscreen? Why doesn't time wait?"
The other one is just beginning to physically attempt to explore. He's been inquisitive from the get go but now that he's sitting up and doing "the roll", he wants to see more. He wants to touch and explore and taste.
Since we last spoke, we've had to replace two mattresses, one very expensive one, I might add. We have had two teeth poke out of the bottom gum.
We' ve had a death in our family. We've had celebrations in our family. 
We've had a quick family vacation.
Our daughter is attempting to sound out words.
Our son is attempting to explore everything. We know he adores his sister (much to her chagrin sometimes) and our dog. (His smile at the sight of our dog turns a heart into a beaming summer sun.)
My husband obtained reading glasses and he's starting to cook. Yeah!
I've had a ton of work. I've been planning  a birthday. I have several impending business trips.
In short, I'm tired. My husband and I are tired.

I wish I had more energy and time to give to my husband. I wish I could give him the attention he used to get B.C. He deserves it. I know I told myself this year, I would try to give him more attention and dote on him a bit more. It hasn't been happening.
I was beginning to feel like we nagged each other too much and so I have been trying to just do and understand that God has put us together to help each other. I weight the importance of things and try to not sweat the small stuff.
Still, trying to find time to cuddle or just have some sit next to each other and glaze over as we watch the television is difficult to achieve. When we do have both kids asleep, we need to do our things. For him, he needs to decompress after being with the kids all day. For me, I have to do all the things that didn't get done because we were both doing the grown up things.
Sometimes that's where we start nagging. He would rather do the laundry in the morning and I'd rather do it at night so in the morning we start fresh. He would rather do the dishes in the morning and I would rather do it at night so breakfast routine runs smoothly.
He just wants to chill. I want to chill too but know it will lead to a harried morning or things not getting done. And so, after our daughter is asleep, I do the dishes, clean the breast pump parts, clean the counters, clean the stove, tidy the play areas and prep my bags and lunches for the next day. By the time that is done, I might have time to pump and simultaneously make our grocery list or another to do list.

I don't want to be the Mrs. Boring. I just know it needs to get done.

I'm also feeling guilty that my daughter has been asking to pretend play with me more these days and I just don't have the time.
As soon as I get home, "let's play dollhouse for ten minutes."
I want to say, Honey, I wish I could. I really do. I just need to get out of these dirty clothes, freshen up and start dinner. If I don't dinner doesn't get on the table until nearly your bedtime. I can't eat, because I have to put your brother to bed while you eat and then maybe come out in time to help you finish your meal and get ready for bed or have your Dad tell me you did the 3 Ps' (Potty, Pick Up & Pajamas) and am waiting for me in bed.
I try to make bedtime sacred time though. I try my darndest to do bedtime with her. I read her a story, we talk a little about our day. We do a few puzzles, prayer and I read her to sleep with our latest chapter book. (It's still Wizard of Oz. She asked me to restart it after a sabbatical.)

There is a bit of guilt about my son where I wish I could pump more so I'm not always worried about our stash. I also wish that I read and sang to him more like I did with his sister. We don't have as many conversations as I did with her. I feel like he's more the listener of conversations between the family.

I'm not naive and I know that one cannot have it all. I know this. It's just hard period being a parent. It's hard being a parent to two. It's hard being a spouse. It's hard being a person with interests outside of home. It's just hard these days.

I continue to solider on though. I'm not reinventing the wheel. There are many folks that have it better. There are many folks that have it worse. I'm no different. I just trust in God and believe and try not to let the Mommy guilt get to me.