Monday, January 31, 2005

It's a Dog's Life and I'm just the manservant.

I want to be a dog, preferably my dog. Instead of taking mass transit to my windowless bunker I call my office, I want to be able to sleep on a king size bed. When I'm tired of the king size bed, I want to move to the living room and sleep on the couch. When I’m done with that, I can waddle over for a sip of cool filtered water and then move to the foyer and sleep in my warm fleece dog bed.

This morning P-man decided that he’d stay in his dog bed as long as possible. The rattling of leashes did not bring him out of his snuggly state. I had to put his collar on while he was still in bed all curled up in a C shape. This is not an easy feat since the collar I use is a harness contraption that goes under his belly and around to his neck. Standing at the open door holding his leash connected to his collar, I finally get him out of his bed with the words, “I’m closing the door with the leash in my hand. You can come or deal with the ramifications.” He slowly steps out of his bed and teasingly does his full body stretch then shakes and waddles towards me. Sorry to inconvenience you, Sire. However, if you do not go now, you must wait until your servants come home in the afternoon.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Lucy's got the ball and it's time for me to punt.

There is a big disconnect with my mother that I don't know how to resolve. In the past I mentioned how my mother has suddenly gone old school with me. Recently it has come to the front, that that major disconnect between old world and new world has been ever present and has always been the source of our my less than perfect relationship with my mother.

'RESPECT' is a major component in interpersonal relationships. However, the definition of 'RESPECT' is completely different in Asian society. 'RESPECT' also includes 'FACE'. 'FACE' is putting niceties ahead of opinions. Opinions show a lack of 'RESPECT'. In American society, opinions are displayed freely. Heated discussions permeate the government, television, radio, print and the workplace. One can hold a different opinion yet be respectful of another's. Well, most are civil, Tucker Carlson and Chris Matthews excluded.

Two weeks ago, we went to visit my mother. My mother asked my husband what are the expectations of the typical American regarding the elderly. Of course, this is just an invitation for a train wreck.

For the next two weeks, my weekly calls to her are met with a cold shoulder and as always, we end the calls with "Ok, then. I'll talk to you next week."

Honestly, talking is usually a minor part of our weekly calls. My 30 years of life here with my mom have taught me that I can either accept the cold shoulder or nag her until she hangs up on me. The hang up usually results in a call from my father, brother or family member telling me that I've hurt my mother. So I call my mother, talk about the weather and call her the following week for another icy reception.

Fast forward to today. After a most excruciating meeting with someone who makes my anal retentiveness look messy, my mother calls.

pgmom: Silence

pg: Hi mom. Everything ok?

pgmom: Silence

pg: Mom?

pgmom: Can you come see me?

pg: Ok. When? What's wrong?

pgmom: Silence

pg: Mom? What's wrong?

pgmom: My heart is broken.

pg: Why?

pgmom: Sobbing. It hurts so much.

pg: Why?

pgmom: sobbing

This continues for 20 minutes until she sobs that she should not be held accountable to her son in law. Essentially, she finds disrespect in the fact Lrudlrick asked her how she is planning for her retirement. In the eyes of my mother, she was being interrogated. Mind you, she brought it up.

BTW, this same question was posed to his mother recently. I was not met with a two week freeze out and a crying session on how no one should question her.

The next 90 or so minutes include me reminding her:

  • No one said her plans were 'wrong'.

  • No one's plans are right or wrong but a decision based on circumstances.

  • Inquiring is a sign of concern not disrespect.

  • Inquiring is not a sign that she cannot handle her life.

  • She is not held accountable to anyone but herself and God.

  • Waiting two weeks until the festering pustule pops is not a healthy way of dealing with emotions.

  • In between this, I received mini-Lifetime television dramatic gems such as:

  • I hurt.

  • My heart is broken.

  • I need nothing from you.

  • I don't want to be a burden.

  • I'd go to China before I live with you.

  • and my favorites:
  • I've seen more than an average 50 year old woman has lived through.

  • My friends say I'm a strong woman but inside I weep.

  • BTW, if you ever want to see pantrygirl turn into the incredible hulk, tell her that no one has lived through what you have lived through and watch her turn green.

    Did I mention, I'm at work in my office and I have two meetings and three deadlines to make?

    Now I don't know how to resolve this riff. I've given up a longtime ago with trying to have my mother open her eyes to other points of view. Years of non-communication and being made to feel as if I'm the bad guy for being such a hurtful child result in me enabling her. I don't do it in the extreme that my dad did it but I do. I am guilty. By not saying anything and just letting her continue ranting her rant is essentially enabling her.

    My brother and I just nod or just simply won't discuss subjects we know will only lead to a three week depression for her. All because we have different opinions which she sees as personal assaults. Funny, I'm not afraid of confrontation with others but I avoid it like the plague with my mom.

    When I was younger, my anger for her self-centered approach to life angered me. Was I the only one that noticed it? Why wasn't my father or brother aware of this? In my 20's I developed the coping mechanism which they learned early on. Now I'm in my father's shoes between two cultures and my questions of enablement have returned.

    So what do I do? I'm not the only first generation American to have to deal with culture clash. Lrudlrick won't censor himself and why should he? My mother thinks free speech is the sign of rebellion and disrespect for authority. My step dad feels I should be sensitive to my mother's sensitivities. My brother just wants to live his life with little drama as possible.

    If this was a simple difference in opinion, intellectually we can eat a meal together and agree to disagree but this is more than a difference in opinion. One person has personalized this and until that is resolved, and I don't see it resolving anytime soon, there will always be a divide.

    Next week on Dysfunctional Family Hell, pantrygirl begins the controversial BPC therapy, beer, pizza and cheesecake. Lrudlrick doesn't complain until the dogs begin using pg's ass as a cushion.

    Thursday, January 27, 2005

    Food Network airs how candy hearts (aka Tums) are made

    Out of all the Hallmark generated holidays, I have a general-bad-taste-in- mouth feel for Valentine’s Day. I don’t need some company to tell me to buy heart print silk boxers for my SO.

    BTW, men who wear cutesy underwear also wear cutesy ties. If you are over the age of 16, you should not have either types of items in your wardrobe. Of course, this excludes any cutesy items your mom or MIL may give you. Those you keep and pull out once a year to say, “Hey, I like this stuff. Please keep it coming.”

    Now, don’t go off on how we celebrate a saint/martyr on February 14th. Unless that person is shaped like a chubby baby and has arrows, it’s not on the brain.

    I dislike the stereotype that women look forward to this day. Not to say that I don’t like the nighties. I do. I just don’t think it should be an obligation on either party. After high school, Valentine’s Day lost it’s appeal and maybe that’s what V-Day should be, a youth holiday or new relationship holiday.

    I suppose there are people who feel that their spouse is ‘romantically’ challenged and welcome a day of romantic obligation but don’t you feel weird about ordering your spouse to show ‘affection’? “You will love me and bring home a puppy and a dozen long stemmed red roses.”

    This V-day, I plan to make a nice dinner and watch ‘24’ with my hubby. Dinner won’t be any different than our usual dinners except I’ll probably make a nice dessert. We’ll probably exchange cards which I don’t mind. That’s the one thing about V-Day that I think is cute. Like most men, Lrudlrick doesn’t go card happy. (There is a reason why Hallmark usually shows a lunatic woman, not man, daydreaming about having a mini-hallmark store at home.) I get a card approximately thrice a year, Valentine’s Day, our Wedding anniversary and my birthday. I keep all of them. I think they are the sweetest presents. I imagine him going into a card shop, the day of, of course, frantically searching for a card. Timing is everything. If he’s like he is shopping for clothes, I’m sure the card most be located within 8 paces of the door. Every card I have received though always seems like time was spent on it. Maybe I’m delusional. I’ll just keep imagining him going through the stacks trying to find the right card.

    So why am I bringing up V-day in January? Well, it’s very difficult to not be bombarded with reminders that it’s around the corner. Every store has had a Valentine’s Day display up since New Years. You go in to buy a quart of milk and you leave feeling guilty that you haven’t even thought of what to get for your SO. I don’t need this kind of pressure.

    Mothra is shaking wondering why I haven’t planned anything yet. Why? Cause that is the lowest priority item on my list. February kicks off with my cousin’s birthday, my mother’s birthday and the Superbowl. Chinese New Years and Ash Wednesday storm in mid-week followed by the traditional return home for New Year’s visit to mom. Valentine’s Day caps off this crazy week of family freneticism. In between, I have a data pull that would make any programmer twinge with coffee jitters, the budget is due so everyone is counting paperclips and a set of consultants land for a 3 month ‘audit’.

    Mom’s got the just-back-from-vacation blues, which probably is compounded since her birthday is around the corner. Lrudlrick has jury duty and the weather is causing havoc to my hair. Yes, the hair is an issue. Every morning I look like I belong on a box of Lilt.

    So Valentine’s Day is just going to have to hold it’s nagging until I can either figure out what’s going on for my mom’s birthday, Lrudlrick finds out if he’s stuck in a 3 day, 5 day, eek, 2 week, or gasp, 4 week trial or my hair decides it will play nice.

    Need an idea for Valentine's Day? Show your true feelings.

    You heard it hear:

    "Stop tickling me. I'm tired. I'll get grumpy then wind up in court." -- Lrudlrick

    Wednesday, January 26, 2005

    How to get your brother to stop IM'g you:

    pg(4:47:44 PM): had a meeting last night with my boss.

    pg(4:48:35 PM): she goes off the cuff with she has to cancel her colonoscopy

    pg(4:48:45 PM): and that it's been over a year.

    pg(4:48:49 PM): and i'm like

    pg(4:48:51 PM): i don't want to know these things.

    pg(4:48:55 PM): then her right hand woman turns to me and says, "i have to pee... i think i have a urinary tract infection."

    pg(4:49:16 PM): and i'm like

    pg(4:49:18 PM): dude.

    muthafunga signed off.

    Well, Duh.....'Common Sense' tells you blogging isn't a new concept

    BTW, blogolicious is not a word

    Girl Scout Cookie Season: Let the Battle Begin

    This year, I'm holding my own 'Apprentice' reality show for my $4.00.

    On a side note: think this would be a sexy outfit for Valentine's Day? Adult Girl Scout Uniforms. Notice there are also Men Girl Scout Uniforms. I suppose the Girl Scouts of America are equal opportunity employers.

    BTW, I had no idea there were Daisy Scouts.

    A quick google bought this up: Cookie crumbles: Girl Scout sex furor splits Texas town. Shame on you USAToday for such a teaser. Note: Somewhere in the valley, a porn writer (is there such a thing?) has been struck with inspiration.

    Tuesday, January 25, 2005

    What ever happened to?

    Dirt Dog aka Earthdog.

    Animal Planet aired an indoor competition with above ground mazes so you could see the dog hunt for the rat/rodent.

    I have to admit that I found this the funniest and most entertaining show around. You literally could see the thought process of the dog as he hunted for the scented ball.

    I believe the actual outdoor event is called Earthdog. I have not seen any of the competitions since that one airing.

    I'll choose flyball and dirt dog over the breed shows anyday.

    pg's thoughts on '24':

    Disclaimer remains: If you haven’t seen hour 6, do not pass Go.
  • Is Keifer Sam Fisher? I think so. I think it’s time for a Splinter Cell-like ‘24’ game for Xbox. Only Jack could go in with one, yes one gun blazing and take out the hostages. Was it just me or did Jack take too much pleasure out of the neck snapping? Aw, heck, I got a shot of adrenaline watching it.

  • Is this a record? 6 hours before Keifer gets shot/stabbed/killed/drugged/tortured? Only took 4 24 hour assignments for Keifer to realize, hey, I need a bulletproof vest. BTW, I’ve never been shot and hope never to be shot but according to what I’ve read, you don’t bounce right back up like a Weeble after getting shot.

  • Mmmm. Keifer/Devane sandwich. OMG, now that’s the kind of SOD I can go for. {Can any of us see Donnie Rumsfeld pull a pose-tumble-crouch-shoot move like Devane?} Holy crap, Bill Devane is a smoking old guy. See, Blondie, that’s how you cover a person’s back. Oh and notice the picking up of dropped weapons? You don’t need to play Xbox to know you pick up any weapon lying around.

    Note from Lrudlrick: How convenient a car was parked just outside the door. Notice that it wasn’t a Ford.

  • What no Black Hawks? You’d think they’d pull the guns out for the SOD. Eh, but it was still quite satisfying to see the fatigues come in and storm the place. Reminiscent of Counter Strike. Hello, EA Games. You heard it hear. When are we going to get the chance to be Jack Bauer fighting terrorists?

  • Ok, the click of the knife was echoing. I suppose Marines jumping out of copters and machine gun firing would muffle it but it certainly was a loud click.

  • Keifer was more than happy to jump back into his old position. In fact, I think I even saw a smile come across his face. What Driscoll? I have to follow your orders. Yeah, sure. If you’re not the President (preferably the Black one who now sells insurance), I’m not listening.

  • How did Audrey hook up with PBS dude? That relationship seemed colder than my freezer. No hugging. No running towards each other. Even the dialogue was frigid. BTW, is that all that actor plays, frigid emasculated men?

  • After 2 hours, someone goes, hey, where is teen spirit? Of course, the sensory deprivation didn’t do much. I’d think he’d be jell-o by now. Bill, you did the right thing. Obviously this kid has been coddled and needs two more hours of high pitched noises in a pitch black room. See you around 3pm, kid.

  • Good for you Behrooz. I was waiting for you to show your skills. Personally, I would have grabbed the gun but hey, everyone knows how I feel about dropped guns by now.

  • This season on ‘24’ we delve into the psychological effects of dysfunctional father-son relationships. Disappointed fathers. Ingrate sons. Behrooz, TerrorPop, BillDevane and Teen Spirit need to go to group counseling.

  • Anyone else notice that spawn seems to be the weak link for terrorists and government employees alike?
  • Smelly human or Mariachi band? Which makes for the worst commuter companion in the AM?

    Today is officially Commute from Hell day.

    Everyone I know has had a horrendous commute.

    Today’s winner though comes from a colleague who spent 15 mins waiting for a bus, 10 mins on the train to get through two stops, 25 mins in said train’s car waiting for the MTA employees to manually open every single car door to let everyone out, another 15 waiting for another train to take him one stop to his office.

    I spent 25 mins waiting for a bus and another 15 mins hailing a cab.

    I haven’t heard from Lrudlrick so for all I know he’s still on the ‘A’ trying to make it into work.

    Oh and I think my co-worker thinks I’m an insensitive prick for saying that I can’t stand the ‘Sick Passenger” delay reason. Ok, I’m a nice person but why does a sick person always have to be on the train proceeding my train? Why am I stuck in the tunnel of hell while they assess the person? Now, you cannot tell me as a New Yorker you have not laughed at the comedian who said “Why can’t they throw her out onto the platform to wait for the EMS?” Ok, out of context I probably do sound like a jack ass. Now, don’t send me emails or comments about how callous and insensitive I am. I am a loveable person, I swear.

    Other winners are “Indefinite delays” and the teaser train, the train that shows up but isn’t taking any passengers. The teaser train flashes it’s lights down that dark tunnel as if it’s a sign of hope to only blow past you with such speed that it seems as if the train is laughing at you as it passes you.

    Monday, January 24, 2005

    Stop staring at my wife's boob.

    Last Thursday was Lrudlrick's office shindig. The shindig that started with little information and ended with a tummy full of red wine and sugar loaded desserts. Dress attire, dining arrangements, time and meeting places were never established. Dress attire was determined after viewing some to be quite honest, awfully heinous photographs from a party a few years ago. Now, I'm not saying the people in the pictures were heinous, just that the person photographing them seemed to enjoy the zoom and flash mode of his/her camera. No one looks good 6 inches from the lens.

    Anywho, I didn't find out that dinner would not be served until I was on CPW freezing my tukas off in my silk dress and stockings. I spent the evening filling up on their shrimp cocktails and desserts. I completely missed out on the dumplings which by most were below average. As typical planned/unplanned events go with us, Lrudlrick and I wound up having a disagreement with meeting times:

    L: Where are you?

    pg: Just finished walking the dogs. I'm grabbing the car now.

    L: That was hours ago. When I last called you were doing that.

    pg: No. When you last called, I said I just got here and I'm about to take the dogs.

    L: Well, you were supposed to be here already.

    pg: I thought it was at 6.

    L: It is but you're supposed to pick me up.

    pg: Yeah, 5:30/quarter to 6 should be plenty of time to get there.

    L: You were supposed to pick me up at 5.

    pg: When did you tell me that.

    L: I assumed.

    pg: Well I assumed that since you were stressed out about the amount of work you had, you didn't want to leave so early. Just go to the darn thing and I'll meet you there.

    L: But what will I say about you not being there?

    pg: Say your wife has to hike her ass home to change, walk the dogs and then hike her butt downtown.

    L: I'll call you when I get out of the train.

    pg: Fine.

    The event was quite nice and if not for me spilling oil on my left boob within the first half hour, it was just about accident free.

    Lrudlrick was quite stylish in his suit. We had both decided that the pre-requisite black suit/dress wasn't going to cut it. I mean, we weren't going to come out like Bootsy Collins and George Clinton but we wanted some color. Lrudlrick looked dapper in his brown suit and I went Hollywood with a Silver Satin dress and cashmere cardigan. Sure my ankles were aching from the chilly winds but I looked sweet with my crocodile skin pumps.

    I actually found it humorous the band thought Usher and Beyonce were good additions to their setlist. I found it more humorous to see the clients dance to said setlist. Obviously someone was really getting down because there were remnants of pasta and shrimp on the floor from an apparent boogie shaking accident. I figured the appropriate moment to leave would be when Snoop Dogg songs started making their way into the setlist.

    All in all, it was a nice affair and it was nice to meet hubby's colleagues. It wasn't too formal that I'd be relegated as the 'Spouse'.

    When did Leg Warmers come back in style?

    I was walking back to my office when I spotted the following coming out of the bathroom:

  • Black opaque stockings

  • Calf length black A-Line skirt two sizes too big for this woman.

  • Red Chinese Silk Jacket

  • Scrunched up Multicolor Legwarmers

  • Black ankle boots

  • Firstly, legwarmers make any woman (let's not go into men who wear legwarmers) look like they are 13. Secondly, they are just wrong. Unless you are Jamie Lee Curtis or Jane Fonda, leg warmers should not be in your wardrobe. Please let this so called comeback fashion be passing. Thirdly, that entire outfit does not fit anything I deem business appropriate and this comes from a woman who has been known to wear sequins, lace and fur to work. [Note: Not all in one outfit. I'm not Beyonce.]

    Now I've done it. By this time in March, I'll be the girl walking the dogs with pink legwarmers and a rainbow belt. Heck, maybe I should fashion some doggie leg warmers and start selling them to Trixie + Peanut.

    Linda Tripp's Doppelganger sues for getting paid to do nothing

    $100,000+ benefits to sit on my ass. Where do I apply?

    If it were not for the fact I'm probably paying for this woman to sit on her ass...

    "She believes her superiors were angered after she questioned the practice of colleagues attending Gov. George Pataki's annual prayer breakfast. But instead of firing her, Freund says, her responsibilities were taken away.

    Quote of the Week:

    Police were on the search on Friday for a thief who made off with three "male appendages" from a Vancouver-area sex-toy store and may now be looking for batteries.
    -- "Do NOT Give This Man Batteries..." Reuters 24 Jan. 2005. Yahoo

    Quick note to the dog:

    Thanks for stepping in your own excrement this morning.

    As if it isn't bad enough I have to walk the two of you bundled up stiff like I'm wearing a Sumo Wrestler costume. I lose all peripherals with my hood on.

    Now I know it isn’t easy wearing boots and the foot of snow you have to travel across to get to the curbside to poop isn’t a picnic either but good grief, girl.

    I was late for work because I had to clean your bootie. Mind you, that was not the most thrilling thing to do this morning.

    Your brother doesn’t step in his own pee or poop. In fact, he’s rather careful around other animal’s droppings as well.

    Get with the program dog. If you can’t deal with the salt/snow, you are going to have to wear booties. No amount of poop on bootie is going to stop this.

    Good Morning, Starshine.....

    OMG, A wannabe Lenny Kravitz just walked past my building wearing a man fur and carrying a Louis Vuitton tote like a purse.

    Sunday, January 23, 2005

    pg's thoughts on 'Monk':

    Is this the new direction you meant by firing Sharona? Instead of Sharona and son it’s Sharona and daughter. Are you trying to illicit a future romance? That’s the only difference in direction I can see except the speech about the bird made it seem unlikely.

    BTW, the whole bird thing was quite sad. I hope he takes the bird home. Their birds of a feather.

    Friday, January 21, 2005

    pg's thoughts on '24':

  • What kind of stupid tune was Debbie’s phone playing? Didn’t sleeper cell son realize that he should turn off the phone or at least tune it to vibrate?

  • I seriously think this filler piece about mentally challenged child for Driscoll is to evoke sympathy. Well Driscoll gets no sympathy from me.

  • Firstly, I understand that Driscoll needs to show authority but leaving herself a man short and a bunch of newbies to handle the current conflict may not be the best approach. She’s lost her wannabe Jack and is relegated to having to rely on the man she fired and despises. She’s now just fired/forced resigned the team lead and is now left with Breck girl, conniving girl and lispy. Now I love Lispy. He’s got a good heart and I hope that he doesn’t go to the dark side. BTW, nice speech there Chloe. Your social skills may need some tuning but you’ve got heart kid. Thank you for not selling out your ‘friend’. Extra gold star goes to your little jab at Breck girl and her amateur spy techniques. Now go find Lukas Haas and have strange looking geek babies.

  • Is it me or should presidents not live in cocoons. Seriously, seems like no one can get to Keeler? And how long is he going to be on that damn Air Force One?

  • Holy crap, Bill Devane willing to commit suicide for the country. Who votes Heller the new president if he gets out of this alive? Keeler isn’t presidential enough. I want a kick butt president. BTW, is his son still in that room receiving sensory deprivation? The kid must be jello by now.
  • Before you think about deleting your SO's xbox game profile.......

    woman charged after deleting boyfriend's online game data

    Monday, January 17, 2005

    Mini-rant on perception.....

    Fear of perception is the need to determine your actions by how they will be perceived by others. My mother will deny it but she’s extremely concerned with what others think. Granted we all are concerned with other people’s opinions. Some take it to another level where it’s a personal assault on one’s being.

    Maybe it’s the culture she grew up in. I try telling her that if she lives her life by how people perceive her, she’ll never be happy because not everyone has to agree with you or like you. Besides, there is no reason to live a life that doesn’t truly reflect what you are inside.

    For me comfort level is everything. If I’m not comfortable in my own skin, then how can I be comfortable anywhere else. Someone will always criticize, especially on my mom’s side. I swear my aunts came out of my grandma’s womb with a critique on how tight, hot and/or confining it was. If you believe in your choice then stick to it. No one is right all the time. There is no right or wrong in most cases. I believe it’s just another path you take. How else are you going to learn? If everyone took the same path, it would be a rather boring life.

    Friday, January 14, 2005

    Seen and Heard...

    co-worker: Hey!

    co-worker: Hello. I said Hey.

    pg: What? Oh. Hey.

    cw: You're like doing a million things at once. What are you doing? Reading a book. Putting on lip gloss. Going through your purse. Way to multi-task. Do you know what you are reading?

    pg: What? Oh. Yes. Yes.

    cw: Alrighty..........

    Quote of the Day:

    He'd already chased a rat. It had been the most enjoyable experience of his life.
    -- Gaiman, Neil and Terry Pratchett. Good Omens

    How long before a blog is subpeonad?

    I’m out of Jury Duty. Phew. I contemplated not going into work but being raised with the Catholic guilt, I dragged my butt into work. Before I even got to take my soaking wet coat off my boss needed two reports.

    I’ve decided that my officemates are animals. I have three candy jars on my desk, a remnant from my days in system. Each jar contains a different type of candy: Chocolate, Hard Candy, Gum. I left all three full to the brim on Tuesday. Today I return to my office to find three pieces of chocolate, 20 pieces of hard candy and ¾ of my gum in my gumball machine are the only items left. Now, I’m not being cheap. The jars are there for everyone in the department to take but holy cannoli, fill it up or at least have some self control you leeches. Two days and my candy supply has been picked through like an all you can eat buffet. I left my office open so my boss can get the reports needed and so I can print reports to my printer and have the admin asst grab them for my boss.

    If you have a problem with people eating all the candy, don’t keep them out in the open. Firstly, it’s there for everyone to share. Everyone needs a tiny chocolate or a piece a gum during a stressful day. I have no problem with people eating it. I have a problem where within two days, it’s completely devoured. I have a problem with those who say they will contribute or bring a bag of candy and never do. (If I had a nickel for every time you say it…) Just don’t eat the candy all in one day! “Augustus, Save some room for later!” BTW, I’m surprised they have revived Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at the New Victory.

    Lrudlrick’s office is insane. They have “Fun Days”. The office closes and they go bowling. Bowling. I’m shortening my height lugging my laptop to Jury Duty to work and he’s off bowling. I told Lrudlrick his office will soon have a lactating room.

    So I read an article about some blogger who was fired by his company for defamation due to his writings in his personal blog. Apparently there is a movement now to include policies on blogging and the workplace. Ok, as you may think, this has sparked some debates. Blogs are personal entries about everything and anything. You can vent. You can praise. You can be opinionated. Restricting what can be published would be like censoring your diary/journal. I’m waiting for the day a personal blog is used as evidence of intent to murder. Next on Law and Order… Chung Chung…

    Honestly, during/prior to the Tech TV/G4 merger, rumblings were everywhere and avid fans like myself were able to get a personal account at what a Tech TV employer was seeing through their blogs. It was comforting and connective for a geek like me.

    In a world where we can feel connected to the world yet disconnected to what’s in our own backyard, blogs connect people to everyday redundancies. We all have bad days at work. We all have ineptness and stupidity surrounding us. We all have antedotes and silly paranoia.

    I started writing my blog as an extension to my journal writing because I read someone else’s blog and related to some of her points of view. Her daily rantings on simple things such as walk up buildings and multi-tasking made me feel like I wasn’t only one dealing with everyday annoyances/quirkies. For the most part, most blogs may have only an occasional work related entry. Work takes up 60% of our day. (I’m generalizing again, folks.) A work related entry once every few weeks does not seem like defamation. If every day I opened up my blog entry with “My boss sucks cherries”, then I’d say it’s still free speech. I’d also add “dude, find a new job.” But be smart people, no full names and no addresses or phone numbers ok. That’s just asking for trouble.

    Take Me Away..........

    So down I want to go

    So cold I have to go

    So down I need to go

    So cold as I go

    -- Handsome Boy Modeling School, "The World's Gone Mad"

    Thursday, January 13, 2005

    Quote of the Week:

    It is said that the Devil has all the best tunes. This is broadly true. But Heaven has the best choreographers. -- Gaiman, Neil and Terry Pratchett. Good Omens

    Can I Tivo to the good parts?

    My boss said that coming into work after jury duty to finish some reports would be fine by her. I never asked her. I understand she’s crunched but I really don’t want to come in after hours of either sitting in the ‘hopper’ or trying to convince the lawyers why I would not be a suitable candidate for their respective cases.

    So in between voir dire, I plopped myself down at a workstation and hastily worked on two projects. I finished one major report that needed to be Fed Ex’ed to Tennessee just as I was called in. At lunch I printed it out to my office printer and had the asst send it to my boss for approval. By afternoon break, the approval was received and I called in the Fed Ex pick up. Isn’t there a law or something that says I shouldn’t have to work while on Jury Duty?

    Anyway, it’s been 5 years since I’ve been called to jury duty. Things have changed though. Instead of group q/a sessions, they now interview each individual. Now, I understand the reasoning but in all honesty, by hour 2 I was begging to go out and continue working on my laptop.

    This made me think, would I be a good juror if I was picked? Seriously, my attention span seriously wanes when I am subjected to frivolous banter. Now, it’s not frivolous for the lawyers but my brain can only store so much info. My fellow juror’s personal relationships are immaterial in my world. Let me get back to the twenty million things I need to do and call me when you need me. If I feel this way during selection, how will I be in an actual case?

    I know, I sound bitter. Don’t mind me. It’s the sleep deprivation. I actually slept on the train this morning. I had to. I placed Lrudlrick’s laptop backpack on my lap and used it as a pillow. If not for that nap, I would have seriously crashed during questioning.

    I guess I should get to bed now to avoid another crash. Good grief, how do you morning people do it?

    Tuesday, January 11, 2005

    Isn't my ass supposed to stop my skirt from hiking up to my waist?

    So I just finished my meeting. I got out of the station and hauled ass. I finally got to the building at ten past two.

    In the elevator, I quickly took my jacket off to try to make myself presentable. I look down and there is a huge bunch near my stomach. It looks like a bloop. I keep trying to smooth my skirt and it just stays there. Apparently as I was doing my hurry up walk/skip/run in 4inch boots, I shifted my lining on my skirt up past my ass.

    Why does this only happen to me? Honestly. I know how my skirts like to circumnavigate me. So I chose a sheath dress with a cardigan. Now my lining is giving me grief?

    Since I was late, I had no time to search for a bathroom and walked into the conference room hoping to find a sit quick to avoid having to walk around with giant bloop. Of course, the first person I meet is the Treasurer of the school and she proceeds to introduce me to what I can only imagine to be 20 or so people. Did I mention they were all seated in four separate tables arranged to face the inner circle?

    I spent the next two hours with my skirt bunched up by my waist. Am I the only person with these types of wardrobe maladies?

    Time for pg's thoughts on '24':

    Again, if you have not seen last night's episodes, do not proceed.

  • Good going there Miss Driscoll. She's not into protocol unless it's hierarchy of command. She's the only woman I know who cannot multitask. Come on. Let's put all our resources on one suspect. Think globally Miss Driscoll. Then the writers try to show sympathy by plopping a mentally disturbed kid in the picture. In the words of Lrudlrick, "There are some people who shouldn't be mothers."

  • Why do we need another Sherry? Aisha, go back to CSI. You'll do better there.

  • Now I’m the first to admit it but I’ve opened my mind to Chloe and her snarkiness. Maybe it’s because she’s loyal to Jack. Maybe it’s because she’s snarky to those I dislike. Either case, I’m the first to say it; I’m starting to like her.

  • What in God’s name did he have to get at the gas station? Gas? Should have filled up the night before, buddy. Gum? Ok, I’ll give you gum but honestly, when the line is that long, skip the gum and move on.

  • Jack, what made you think that holding up the Kwik-e-Mart was smart? Seriously, slash some tires. Get into a major fender bender with the terrorist’s car. Let armed robbery be the last resort, buddy.

  • Talk about parents messing with the mind of a teenager. Don’t you know teens have a very fragile brain. It’s all slushy in there. All those hormones slosh around in that brain and distribute everything. Drugging and having your teen son kill his first love will leave deep scars. Evil mom, you beat Betty Davis hands down. Oh, and Diana Ross called. She wants her wig back.

  • My man, Bill. Bill should have left his daughter. How could you be the daughter of the Secretary of Defense and not know hot to run, hit someone and/or pull a gun off an unconscious person? Lesson one: Take off the Easy Spirit pumps. Lesson two: Tiptoeing through the tulips won’t get you away from your captors. Lesson three: When daddy leaves the gun for a machine gun, pick up the hand gun and protect your back. Lesson four: When dad’s fighting with a captor, don’t just stand there and stare. Punch, kick, grab gun.
  • Listen to those rails a-thrumming

    It's been a long time since I've been on the subway. With the new position, my office is within walking distance or bus distance. I stopped taking the train because I felt disconnected from the world whenever I was underground. Sounds funny but the subway is its own world.

    So here I am underground waiting for the train that will take me to 53rd for my meeting. The first thing that struck me when I made it down to the turnstile was the stench. I forgot about what is indescribable. Oh my god, I forgot how putrid the stench is. Of course my city nose acclimates within minutes and as I write this I forget that I’m breathing in what can only be described as body excretions plus various rodent excrement.

    It’s funny what we subject ourselves to on a daily basis. AS New Yorkers we become desensitized to our surroundings. That’s why I started taking the bus. On the bus, you can at least see the world and what’s happening. On the train, you go down the stairs and the sky is sunny; you walk out and it looks like Armageddon.

    Monday, January 10, 2005

    Time for pg's thoughts on '24' aka I've been shot, stabbed, tortured and drugged and it's only 10am.

    If you haven't seen the last two episodes, do not continue. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

    It's been a while and I didn't realize how much I missed it. Four seasons and I've realized now that I could never watch this program with an un-inititated individual. I just have too much fun making predictions and making fun of scowls.

    Here are some brief observations. I note that they are brief because, I can't separate the two episodes in my head and I need to make room for the two new episodes that will air tonight. God I hope Fox doesn't pull a 4 eps now and the new ep in four weeks crap.

  • Jack will never stay away from field work. He may try all he wants and although he does look mighty healthy and lickable since he's started working with the Secretary of Defense, he will always be Mr. Scruffy-play-against-the-rules-knee shooting Jack. Hence 55 minutes into the first ep and he's already broken the command hierarchy.

  • CTU folks, change your friggin' passcodes once in a while. Heck, I have to change my gagillion passcodes at work every 3 months. A counter terrorism unit of the United States Government must have better security than an institution for higher edumacation.

  • When I saw new CTU Jack in his cheap bomber jacket I knew he'd be dead before episode 3. Remember, Kiefer is also the executive producer and he'll make sure "There can only be one" cool leather jacket wearing man. BTW, you can't be a field op and not take initiative. Dude, if you have to call your 'mommy' for approval for everything, expect to be shot at while on hold.

  • Ok, writers. We know you have to show that CTU just ain't CTU without Jack but heck, Almeida is looking much smarter than Driscoll. Please give us plausible reasons for her actions and not make it a girl-is-in-over-her-head deal.

  • If you date Jack Bauer, expect to be either shot at, kidnapped and/or killed within 24 hours. That's the breaks.

  • Why did it go from all women were brunettes in season one to White Oleander for seasons two through four? Why are the only brunette women either women we love to hate or just plain evil?

  • Thank you. Thank you. Not since Knots Landing have I enjoyed the pleasure of William Devane's smarmy smile. Thank you.

  • When your dad is the Security of Defense, you better believe he needs an entourage, Fortunate son. Daddy's right, btw, they only want your smells-like-teen-spirit-ass to talk because he is your daddy. Now go to your unused laundry room and go cry me a river

  • 5 years of American influence on a teenage Muslim equals some serious rebelling and boy howdy will it be fun to see.

  • Finally, can't the writers think of a better name than Debbie for the typical American teen? Is Betty Sue being used for another character?
  • You heard it hear...

    Admin asst looking at my candy jar for a 4 o'clock pick me up: "hmm. let's see what you have. what's this? toe-fee? Oh noooooo. No toe-fee."

    pg: Toffee.

    Who thought up cotton for an anniversary?

    I just finished purchasing my hubby’s anniversary present. I am so excited. I think he’ll love it. It’s very difficult to get something for the second anniversary that is cotton. I mean cotton is everywhere but I don’t think a pair of Gap briefs is an appropriate wedding anniversary gift.

    You want it to be symbolic yet without the cheese factor. Last year, Lrudlrick got me a gift certificate to my favorite spa. I recall how proud he was that he figured out the perfect ‘paper’ anniversary present. Of course, when he got there they gave him a plastic gift card and he completely flipped. Apparently, he explained that it was our paper anniversary and if they could write a note on paper it would help him immensely. I recall how upset he was when he presented it to me. I laughed and told him the paper he wrapped it in counted. Heck, I was more impressed he knew what a ‘paper’ anniversary was!

    Although Lrudlrick rarely reads this (or so he says) I’m again refraining from telling you what his ‘cotton’ anniversary present is until I give it to him. All I can say, is, it kicks butt and for those who know what it is, ‘zip it’.

    Mom’s coming home tomorrow so I guess I’ll try to get together with her this weekend. Funny, I haven’t received a single call from her; not even a call to speak to grandma. I hope there are pictures but honestly, I’m not counting on it. Mom doesn’t take pictures. She’ll be in pictures but she prefers others take the picture. I still need a picture of Lrudlrick’s grandfather on his mom’s side to complete my grandparent frame but I don’t want to pressure his mom. I’ll mention it again when I call her for our weekly chat on Tuesday.

    So I have Jury Duty this week. It’s actually the selection pool. I hope they don’t pick me. I seriously do not need the inconvenience. {Please don’t comment on my civic duty, yada-smada.} All I know is I have to get my butt downtown before 9am. 9am! I wake up at 9am! I called the court to see if I could bring my laptop and they said yes and I could even get internet connection for $9/day or $45/month. I might just do that. I can surf the news, watch Luxtv and chat online. Sure I can catch up on reading but reading is overrated. LOL.

    So I’ve decided to donate my frequent flier miles to a charity to help the tsunami victims. Of course, like most New Yorkers, I’m skeptical of most non-profit organizations. I prefer to know what my money is going towards. If it’s 80% administrative then, I search elsewhere. I’ve so far narrowed it down to Americares and Operation USA . Most know about Americares. Operation USA is a privately funded organization. Donations are used to help fund sea and air carrier deliveries to remote areas. If you know of a worthy organization that I should check out, comment/email/im me.

    Friday, January 07, 2005

    When I get your grubby hands, I'll... I'll... I'll something.

    Feeling violated and frankly pissed off regarding the whole, switching my batteries ordeal, I left my office last night with all my cabinets locked, my mouse and keyboards stored away, my phone cord tangled so I would notice tampering and all my candy jars at a perfect 45 degree angle to my lamp. On my now empty desk, I left the two imitation batteries on my blotter, dead center. What I hoped to accomplish by this feat, I had no idea.

    Well this morning, everything was exactly in it's original place. I felt that I made my point and proceeded to work when I looked over to my bulletin board. On my board I have an assortment of photos, work related figures and miscellaneous memorablila. One such token is a gold doubloon from our wedding. Now, knowing how pantrygirl is, you can expect that this doubloon is positioned straight. Well this doubloon was now tilted at an angle and the pushpins I surrounded that were holding the doubloon were shifted! Did whomever switched my batteries think it was a valuable coin with larcency possibilities? Damnit. Now I'm pondering Lrudlrick's idea to set up a webcam and record overnight. I just want to see who this person is who feels it's his/her right to go through my crap. I'm so pissed. Going home to make soup and plan my next move.

    Keyser Soze is Lex Luther

    Keyser Soze is Lex Luther

    Thursday, January 06, 2005

    Pilfering Sons of B*&^$#!

    3 months in my new office. No less than three months and I’m already violated.

    Two days ago my mouse was acting fritzy. Figuring it was time for new batteries (it’s a wireless), I brought 2 Duracell Ultras and popped them in. This morning my mouse is dead and in the place of the two Ultras I find two knock off Duracells stamped 2003 with some asian scribble on them.

    What the hell, people! The only people that have keys to my office are housekeeping and security.

    A few months ago, Susan had a box of pop tarts stolen from her office. Pop Tarts!
    Now, there are far more valuable things to take in my office other than batteries but I guess petty larceny is a misdemeanor so why risk anything higher. Now I feel a compulsion to lock up my keyboard and mouse and lock the rest of my file cabinets.

    I should not feel like I have to lockdown my office. My co-worker said to report it to security but seriously, they’ll probably just laugh at me and throw me three bucks for new batteries.

    Damnit! Don’t make me pull out my webcam and catch your pilfering ass!

    Tuesday, January 04, 2005

    Randoms Thoughts from a Dayquil addict...

    I am so tired right now.

    I’m back at work because I couldn’t stand being cooped up in the house. Sure, I was home but it wasn’t like I could do anything. Well, I could; I just didn’t have the energy to do it.

    So I’m at my desk now and I’m trying for the life of me to stay up. I’m cold and groggy.

    BTW, Nyquil Cough does not work for what I have. Last night, I passed out, literally, on a paper towel because I didn’t have the strength to get up and hack my lung up again. I’d cough, hack, wipe and throw it in a bin I placed next to me.

    I will tell you that this illness has just led me to be a mindless drone. I’ve sat in three meeting so far and each time they turn to me for an opinion, all I can do is nod and go “yes, I concur”.

    You ever try to figure out the logic to what you did eons ago and it just seems circular? That’s what’s happening now with the rationale to extract pre-payments from my total figures for my boss. Why didn’t I just remove all pre-payments not specific pre-payments and why did I remove them in the first place since I want to see all payments posted into the bank? More Dayquil will help me solve this.

    Don’t you hate it when your favorite nail polish becomes discontinued? I’ve hoarded two bottles of my favorite nail polish for two years now. I even tried EBay. Last night as I was doing my nails, I pulled out one and put it on. Then I felt guilty that I used it. Isn’t the purpose of nail polish to be used on my nails? Why did I feel guilty for using it for its purpose? And why am I hoarding it like it’s going with me to the great beyond? its frickin’ nail polish.

    My mom is sort of like that except she hoards useless things and thinks things don’t expire. I swear she has blush from the 70’s in her makeup bag. Once, she pulled out a bottle of honey she said was really good. When you looked at the bottle, it was crystallized honey with an extremely suspect crusty top. Yes, I know of the “protective coating”. Honey should not have protective coating. For all I know that honey could have been farmed by bees when I was 10.

    I was worse. I used to keep everything. I had my kindergarten books and everything. When I started dating Lrudlrick he started weaning me from my pack rattage. Now I only hoard the super important stuff like nail polish. ROFL. So back to the nail polish. So it got me thinking, there has to be a company that can replicate the nailpolish you love. They do it for lipsticks. They do it for china. Why can’t they do it for nailpolish? Someone jump on this will ya and give me a cut!

    Oh, and if anyone has a bottle of “sea violette” from L’Oreal they are willing to part with, email me.

    Jingling and Hacking up Loogies

    I’ve been suffering from a new kind of ill. A cold so vile, I spent 5 days in bed. 5 days of coughing, sneezing, wheezing, expectorating, sweating, and shivering. It all started on Christmas Eve.
    All cookies were baked, packaged and mailed. All presents were wrapped. All I needed was a nice winter’s nap but alas it was Christmas and the Christmas tour bus was waiting. First stop, our cousins. I’m not sure if it was the jovial times or the liquor but all seemed fine. Then as I got to the car to drive home, I felt it. That tickle in the back of your throat that says, “Ha Ha Ha! I have landed and will now invade the rest of your body!” Ok, that just sounded a bit too kinky.

    Anywho, I got home and tradition at our home is to groggily open our Christmas gifts. I got my Cuisinart. Yes, it’s a bit gender-typical but heck, that’s what I wanted. Actually, it was better than the one I wanted. I wanted the 7 cup. I got an 11 cup Cuisinart. As soon as I’m back to 100%, that baby is getting used! I also got some really cool pj’s which I proceeded to spend 5 days in while sick in bed. {Don’t tell me that I am disgusting. We’ve all been so sick, we couldn’t do anything but lie in bed. Although, by day three, P-diggy refused to stay in the bedroom with me.}

    We went to bed and on Christmas morning, I had no energy to neither clean the house nor start my smurf trek to Staten Island. Hubby went solo so I could rest and tidy up. After a mishap with the self-clean option on the oven, I finally got the roast in by 4pm. NOTE TO ALL ROAST COOKERS: A 4 bone in roast weighing shy of 11 pounds takes a heck of a long time to cook. I allotted myself 4 hours of cooking time. At 6 my family arrived, one hour early. I quickly popped in some hor's doeuvres and they were eaten before I got to sit on the couch and mingle. 2 hours and an elf movie later I’m totally freaking that my roast has not hit its magic mark. I up the temp up and finally ate at 9.

    A bottle of wine and dessert passed through my body before the tickle began the rumble to the throat. I felt my throat tighten just as I was waving goodbyes to my family.

    By Sunday morning, I was on my back in bed and not in the good way.

    I have learned some things while in bed:

    1. There is nothing good on during the day. Nothing. I spent most of my time watching infomercials and Law and Order. Ok, Law and Order is entertaining but by the fourth hour of Law and Order, I wanted to go out and shoot someone. The show is always on. If you’re bored with Law and Order, you can flip the channel and watch Law and Order: SVU. Oh, and DO NOT try to watch Criminal Intent hopped up on Nyquil. I almost had an aneurysm trying to keep up.

    2. DO NOT try to read a book while hopped up on Dayquil. I think I read the same two sentences within a three hour time span.

    3. Infomercials suck you in. By the fourth day, I really wanted a colander and two plastic bowls to make fish sticks. It comes with a knife and spatula.

    4. Dogs don’t care if you are dying they want to sniff every tree, grill, hydrant and rock. My lung was practically on the floor three feet behind me before my dog took a shit. Mind you this is the same dog that refused to be in the bedroom with me during my illness.

    5. If I was still a smoker, I’d be dead. OMG, the worst thing about this illness is the 4am hacking session that I endure until the sun comes up. It starts with a rolling cough which progressively turns into a session of coughing and expectorating (of nothing substantial, btw). These bouts I swear are giving me petechiae.

    Saturday, January 01, 2005

    Words to Live By

    The answer lies within yourself. We spend so much time on our reflection and not our true self. We’re looking upside down. What we see isn’t reality.

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