Monday, December 31, 2007

Family, the sticky wicket for new parents

Hubby just scared the crap out of me. “You better get used to Spanish food if my mom moves in with us.”
We’ve both agreed that our parents would be allowed to stay with us for a brief period of time to not only be with their grandkid but to help us with care. I didn’t really think they’d be pulling an Everybody loves Raymond.
I’m not sure if I could deal with that well.
Sure, I’m scared of the prospect of 2 full time jobs but I’m not worried it can’t be done. Sure, having family to help offset the cost of daycare would be great but now he’s put the prospect of losing my complete independence and home to play.
Could that really happen? Could I not only lose my adulthood by the invasion of the grandmothers but also my own home and right to my own home?
I don’t do well with being told what to do in my own home. My tolerance levels are quite low and my relationship with my mom and MIL are relatively safe because of the distance factor. If I lose that, I know I’m not going to handle it well.
Bean, this doesn’t reflect badly on your grandparents. I love them. I just also love that I’m an independent woman with her own home with her own traditions and values.
I thought all I had to grapple with is the loss of identity career-wise, the multi-tasking of 2 full-time jobs, the learning curve of being a first time mom and the adjustment from coupledom to family.
I know he didn’t mean to scare me, but I am scared. I don’t want to be domineering but I think if it comes down to it, we need to be able to keep our home, our home.

Friday, December 28, 2007

The secret revealed, et al

The news is trickling in. Your California cousins have sent you well wishes.

Now my friends are starting to call.

Bean, you had your coming out I suppose and everyone was quite impressed by the announcement.

I'll photograph the card and post it soon.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Grandmas in overdrive

Your grandmoms are already plotting. MaMa wants to decorate your nursery. PawPaw is making soups for you and knitting like a mad woman.

For both your grandmas, this is their first grandchild. It's really exciting for them. I'm guessing at this stage they are at the fun part. What I mean is they aren't worrying like I'm worrying about your health, financial stability, etc...

Right now, they're at book stores and stores looking at clothing and cute stuff. I'm not there yet. I've been told I will get into the nesting stage soon.

For now, I'm content with talking to you and feeling your daddy rub my belly and kissing you.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

It's been awhile and there is a very good reason for it.

See, I've been keeping a secret for a very long time. It had to be done to prevent the news from slipping out too early.

This Christmas, our parents received a very special gift.

But let me go back a bit.

Remember my birthday entry? Well I found out later on, I received another special present.

Ever since then, I've been jotting my thoughts down here and there but held back from posting them because we wanted to have our parents be the first recipients of the news.

Now that they know, I will back track and post some of my crazy, emotional thoughts and will continue to.

Sorry for the sabbatical but it had to be done.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

The secret revealed, PawPaw and KauFu

Your PawPaw and GungGung came early to help me cook today. Your dad filmed them opening the present.

Your PawPaw was in tears. I've haven't seen your PawPaw so happy in a long time. It really made me feel good.

She's already planning a plethora of outfits for you. You're going to have tons of knitwear, Baby Bean.

She hugged me and told me she didn't think it would ever happen and that I made her very happy. It was wonderful to hear.

Your Uncle came by a little later. I wanted to surprise him personally. I gave him his present and the surprise/happy expression was all I needed. It meant alot to me to see my brother and my mom so happy and excited.

I think that was my best Christmas present.

The rest of the night was spent rocking hard on Rock Band. Towards the end we had a four piece band with my brother on vocals, my brother's girlfriend on bass, your dad on drums and me on guitar.

I think we did pretty good. We all scored pretty high! I'm going to have to get you a tamborine if this keeps up.

Well Bean, everyone now knows. Mom couldn't contain herself and started sharing the news while we were playing.

Your grandmoms swapped numbers and the Christmas card announcements have been mailed out.

At church today, Father Peter spoke of how we mustn't hide and keep the baby Jesus to ourselves. We must share the light with others.

At the time I was feeling bittersweet that your dad and I wouldn't have you to ourselves anymore. Our secret would be out.

It seemed as if the homily had duel meaning for me. After that, I knew it wouldn't be fair to hide you away. You're special and from the reactions so far, you are already so loved.

Merry Christmas, Baby Bean.

Monday, December 24, 2007

The secret revealed, MaMa

I woke up at 7:11am for my usual bathroom break. This time though, I couldn't get back to bed.

I think it's dawned on me today is the last day you are a secret that your dad and I shared. Today, your MaMa finds out. After that, the rest of the world finds out.

Tomorrow your PawPaw finds out. It will be official.

It's bittersweet I suppose. I won't have to hide it anymore (excluding work) but your dad and I will also now have to share you with the world.

I also have to prepare my skin for any weird, strange, nutty 'myths' that I'm sure to hear. Heck, I've heard enough already between work and close friends.
Your MaMa called. She opened our Christmas gift. She was in tears. She's so excited and happy. She said she was running around so happy, she didn't sit and look at her present at all. She even fought with YeYe for his gift, the t-shirt.
She's already starting a fund for you and wants to go shopping for gifts for you already.
I'm guessing you're going to be spoiled rotten by your grandparents.
I'm really happy she's happy. I didn't think it would be so exciting but it is.
She wants to know all about you already.
Here is a fun fact: she said when she was pregnant with your dad she craved lasagna. I think I now know where the tomato sauce and pasta cravings are coming from.
You are more and more like your dad. :-)

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Your parents are geeks

Your dad bought you more gifts. For Christmas bean, you have a new video camera and still camera.

He's ready for all the shots you seem to be fond of. You were very photogenic on the ultrasound.
I forgot to tell your dad I told our priest about you. He was shocked and surprised when Fr. Peter congratulated him.

I have to say, it was a really nice feeling to share the news with someone who you knew wouldn't be judgemental but geniunely happy for you.

I know we said we wouldn't tell anyone but our parents first and we broke the rule thrice but I think the family priest is an exception.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Presents for the Grandmoms

I finished the packages for your grandparents.

Here are pictures.

Your dad sent your MaMa her package. She should get it by Christmas Eve evening.

All these months, you have been our secret. Now the world gets to know of your presence and you get to experience the shower of love you will be given.
Your dad and cousin are concerned that I may give off pregnancy vibes at the Christmas Eve get together at your cousin's house.

Now I know I'm bigger. My pants tell me that everyday but I'm pretty sure if I can get by working with obstetricians 5 days a week, and no one suspects, then I'm pretty sure that I can get by a 4 hour shindig with family.

Even if it comes out, it comes out. I have never lied about you. I don't plan to now. As long as one of your Grandmothers knows by Christmas Eve Evening, I'm perfectly ok with announcing it to the rest of the family.

The important thing is that your Grandmoms aren't surprised by someone else.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Dancing Bean

We saw you today, bean. I had extra syrupy pancakes for breakfast for the NT test. Boy, you sure like syrup. You were jumping all over the place, We saw your arms and legs kicking around.

At one point you sat Indian style, just like mom likes to sit!

Your heartbeat was also strong.

Thankfully, all the tests came back normal.
We also got an awesome picture of you to share with your grandparents.

Dad was like a dad already asking for better shots and stuff.

You look like a human being now!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Sugar rush

Ever since I felt that movement, I'm totally wondering why I haven't felt it again.

It wasn't like the stretching I'm now accustomed to. It's more like little bubbles in my belly moving around. Not gas bubbles but bubbles rolling around the belly area.

I wish you could give me a signal but I guess I just have to be more attentive or eat more sugary foods.

Tomorrow, I hope to see you again. Dad is coming along again and this time we're going to get some results of tests to make sure all is well.

I'm really excited and although I can't see you and you may not understand me or hear me, I feel so close to you already. You are such a part of my life. I don't know what I'd do without you, my sunshine.

I love you.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Happy Birthday, Dad

Today is your granddad's birthday. I went to go visit him on Saturday. I told him all about you and I think he's looking down from heaven crying joyous tears.

You would have loved your granddad. In fact, I know he'd be all mush for you. He'd just fall to pieces holding you in his arms.

I little piece of me believes that your grandad, great grandpa and great grandma are looking down from heaven watching over you. I don't think I'd want it any other way.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Christmas brownies

I've been a baking factory and making brownies for gifts at work.

I ate one piece and suddenly I felt all this movement in my belly.

I completely wigged out it may be you upset but now that I've read everything, I think you were just enjoying the sugary jolt.

Could that have been the first movement I felt of you, bean?

I spent so much time worrying I didn't get to savor and enjoy it. :-(

Monday, December 17, 2007

Physical signs

Holy crap, there is a faint line from my belly button to my privates.

I'm guess this is the line everyone tells me about. It appeared out of the blue.

It's not dark dark but it's visual. Wow, I am growing. I've been slathering the lotions and vitamin e oil now.

Dad keeps taking pics of you. He even kisses you hello now.

Do you feel his kisses? Do you know his voice?

Do you know my voice?

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Doling out Jesus

Every Sunday for the past few Sundays I have been visiting an elderly neighbor, Peggy. She's very sweet and nice. She's 93 and aside from physical impairments, her faculties are all there.

After a few minutes of chatting, we share the Eucharist and I see if there is anything she'd like the church to do.

Although I'm always nervous and apprehensive about my visit, I do look forward to them. I'm not sure if I'll have anything to say to her. Everytime so far, we've had lovely conversations.

I bring this up because, I hope in some way, you learn that giving to others can give you more than anything received.

I know it's early and you probably have no clue what's going on out here in the world, but I hope you get a bit of that warm and happy feeling I get visiting Peggy.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Dad, Guitar Hero

Dad kissed you goodnight tonight. It was very sweet.

He's also, according to him practicing Guitar Hero to play with you. I think that's just in excuse but hey, I'll accept it.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Keeping it a secret

I still have my cold but I think it's subsiding.

Sorry for the constant coughing and blowing of the nose, bean.

Dad is obsessed with Guitar Hero 3. I'm guessing you and dad will have some fun times playing video games together.

I'm worried about telling my boss. Everyone tells me it will be ok but I'm still nervous. I've been advised to wait until January to let her have time to acclimate to her return from maternity leave.

At this point, I sort of just want to let it out. I guess I'm ready to tell people.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Pregnant with a cold

I have a terrible cold. Yesterday the office was horribly hot. I think it didn't help my battle against what was a small cold.

Now it took some calls and emails but for the most part, I'm resting at home. I want the cold to go away.

I know the cough and runny nose won't hurt you but I'm nervous about the rough jerks the cough and the rattling you must feel.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Could the haze be lifting?

Today I woke up and for the first time in a long time I felt like the hamsters where in a nice jog!

For such a long time I've felt not only tired and lethargic but also my brain wasn't running at full speed.

It was great to wake up and feel excited and for a little more like myself.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

O Tannenbaum

Today your uncle and his girlfriend decorated the tree.

Dad put up his train too.

Now the house is starting to feel more Christmassy.

It made me think of what your first Christmas would be like. I made me think of how I hope to bake Christmas cookies with you and make Gingerbread decorations.

As they were putting up the decorations, I realized that every decoration has a special story and meaning. Most pertain to the growing relationship of your dad and I.

I can't wait to expand that to items as our relationship grows.

Most likely, I'll need to pack away certain decorations until you are older because they are delicate but that's ok. We'll have more room for our growing memories.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Spreading the news

We told your Uncle Dave and Aunt Judy last night.

We went out to Thai. I also learned you haven't been exposed to nuts yet and I shouldn't have gone all out on you like that. Sorry. Actually, sorry to your dad. He had to deal with the ramifications when we got home.

You should have seen their faces. They were very surprised.

I'm pretty sure you're going to like them. They are really nice and are probably going to spoil you with attention.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Apple Juice

I learned today that apple juice is too spicy to drink during pregnancy. Don't ask. It's just regular clear apple juice. It isn't apple cider. It's just Tropicana 100% Apple Juice and I can't drink it.
Last night, while taking your picture bean, dad turned to me and said, "Thanks for having my baby." It was so sweet and sincere. All the hormones raced and I nearly cried.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Books and Reading

I bought a book for your dad today. The Expectant Father.

He said, "Wow, I've seen this book before. I remember now, it was at the bookstore. I almost bought it. Thanks."

Since we found out you were blessing us with your presence, I've read several books and even pulled out some books I use at work to learn more about you.

Dad has done the same with his textbooks but everytime I tried to show him a chapter or an article, he said I was bombarding him.

I stopped and thought it would be best to let him do it at his pace.

Now when I hear he's been going to the bookstore after work and during lunch, it makes me feel like he's really interested and not just 'winging it'.

Now I'm not saying we'll find all the answers in a book. Lord knows that for every 5 books that says one thing about pregnancy, there are 10 books that say the opposite but it does feel nice to know he's really trying to learn as much as I am.

Sure he's not like me, reading and watching and researching but he does his own research and that's nice. I'm actually glad that he's the level headed one as my OCD can get the best of me.

So Bean, dad has been giving me little facts here and there about you and that's his way of participating in your growth. He may not be able to physically bear witness but he is witnessing it in a certain way.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

What's in a name

Bean, this week you officially become a fetus.

We're not sure what to call you now. Bean seems appropriate still. We tried fetus but that sounds like cletus and with apologies to real 'cletus'', that's just not the name we want associated with you.

Mom: What about Feet? Foot? How's Foot? Good. Foot wants ice cream.

Dad: I see nothing wrong with the name we have now.

So for now, we're keeping Bean. When a name fits, it fits. And I'm not just saying that because, well, mom's been a bit gassy.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

2 Full Time Jobs

When I was younger I thought I'd be a stay at home mom. Ok, at first I thought I'd be an actress/lawyer/mother of 3 then I thought I'd stay at home while the child was young.

Now as I'm nearer the reality of motherhood and the reality of life in NY, staying at home is not a possibility at this junction.

1. Financially, two incomes is extremely helpful. 2. I'm not sure I could deal with staying at home all day without adult contact.

So now I'm stuck planning out maternity leave and a proposal for flextime. I'm sure I'm not the first woman to say this but this brings home the fact women have a much shorter career life span than a man. Not only is it shorter, the fear of out of touch with my job lingers. The fear of appearing weak or less focused appear.

I love my job even the craziness. For over 10 years my life focus has been my career and my husband. Now, I'm shifting focus and although I am happy and ready for the challenge, after 10 years, it's a big change.

Saturday, December 01, 2007


Dad and I had a disagreement.

Dad thought it would be fine to begin our outing for household supplies at 8pm. I said otherwise.

It brings up the fact that our lifestyle is changing. We can't just blow off the day doing stuff we want to do and do the grown up stuff late at night.

Now 8pm is not late. I'm not 80 yet. However, 8pm is late for household shopping, electronic shopping, laundry, storage cleanup and christmas decorations to be taken care of before it's too late and your mom is too sleepy and tired to stay up.

Bean, your mom can sleep anytime and anywhere. It doesn't matter how many hours I've slept before, I can always sleep. This is before you came down to earth.

Since you've arrived and moved into Casa de Mama, your mom's body gets pretty tired earlier and earlier. By 11pm, Mr. Sandman starts creeping in. As your dad once said, "Sleep will always win. It doesn't matter if someone had a gun to your head and told you not to sleep. Sleep will always win."

In fact, the last few days have been the same pattern. Sleepiness sets in at 11pm. Passed out by midnight/12:30am. Wake up at 3:30am to pee. Sleep. Wake up at 6:30am to pee. Sleep. Wake up at 7am.