Tuesday, August 31, 2004

The RNC is in town and I'm feeling awfully ill. Coincedence?

I've been feeling nauseous since I woke up.

I thought a bowl of cereal would help but alas I used the last of the milk for the parfait my hubby kept clamoring for last night. So I waited it out. Of course the living room felt like a sauna again. I stayed in the bedroom until the last moment. You know you have a situation in your home when you come out of a shower with just a towel on and begin to sweat immediately upon exit of the bathroom.

On the bus, I was dizzy.

Walking towards my office, I decided to pick up something light at the cafe. Bad move. When I walked in, the smell of coffee, bagels, muffins, donuts and other heavy foods sent my stomach turning. I ran out as quickly as I could.

Now everyone in the office thinks I'm pregnant.

I just sucked on a cracker but I'm still feeling light headed. Plus there is a jack hammer tearing up the street below me. I just want to crawl into my pjs and put the covers over my head.

Btw, I've decided that the RNC is reeking havoc in the animal community.

Check out the following headlines I found:

Catfish eats dog

Groundhog attacks dog

Sure, these stories happened outside of the US but I still think the RNC
being held in NYC is causing a ripple effect of some sort. And we all know how
animals are more aware of natural occurences.

Oh and it's that time of the year again,
Moose make it back in the news with their crazy antics.


In the obsession arena:
Came home Monday and hubby requested more parfait. If it wasn't our anniversary (2nd proposal/steady), I would have said no. Ok, who am I kidding.

Total count for the day: 4

Total count for obsession: 12

Monday, August 30, 2004

Dewy Skin and the Waiting game

My apartment feels like I'm sitting in a giant gym sock.Thankfully, it doesn't smell like one.
So the RNC has started. I've been told to come to work, come hell or high water. My hubby was told to work from home all week.Personally, I'm glad to be out of the house. I woke up this morning, showered and got dressed. As I headed out to the living room to kiss my hubby goodbye, a creeping fog of heat and humidity consummed my just showered body. I think coating of sweat formed by the time I reached our living room.
pg: Not for nothing, babe, but the air is so thick in here, I can cut it.

hubby: What?

pg: I said it's hot in here.

hubby: Really?

pg: Have you been so consumed with work, you do not realize the dogs are jumping into the bathtub and turning on the shower?

hubby: I'm fine.

pg: At least turn on a fan for heaven's sake.

As I walked to the bus, I contemplated my choice of attire: slacks and a thin cotton sweater.I would have been better off with a spaghetti strap dress and a cardigan. But alas, I feel that spaghetti straps don't work in a workplace unless under a blazer and I wasn't about to be wearing a suit to work the next few days.Dinner with my mom was nice. Hubby feared it would be hotter than Africa but it turned out pleasantly breezy, unlike our tropical apartment.

Mom made enough scarves and hats that she made me bring some home for gifts. Seriously, who gives handknit scarves out as gifts? Grandmoms and that's it. But of course I couldn't say no. She gets upset so easily. And with the depression, I feel I need to let her know I like the activities that keep her active.So now I have 7 scarves and hats in my closet.They are nice scarves but I can't gift wrap a scarf and hat and give it to a friend/co-worker. Here. Happy Birthday. It's a scarf from my mom.

I didn't realize or maybe refused to realize the extent to which this accident has effected my mother, physically and mentally.On the counter of her kitchen is a pharmacutical supply of meds which she must take daily. I know this is probably very insensitive but I think alot of it is mental. She won't admit it but my father allowed my mother luxuries that no other man would. She was spoiled as a child, she was spoiled as a wife and now with her new husband, she's spoiled. But it's a different kind of spoiled. My father spoiled her with trips, material possessions and the freedom to come and go as she pleased. With her new husband, she doesn't have that luxury. Financially, she can't run off on a whim.

For the first time, she really needed to work for a living. Yes, she worked when dad was alive but (and I'm not discrediting the difficulty of the job) it was with my father, by his side.She got this job after dad died. It was tough going for my mom who was used to being her own boss or the boss but she held on and worked like I knew she would. My mother worked like it was her own business. She worked as if her job defined her being.

Then she fell and that started the cycle of denial, depression and self loathing. My mother's fragile self esteem was dealt a blow like no other. No longer did she have the job to define who she was.So here we are nearly 2.5 years and she's on more meds then I can count and going to physical therapy practically daily. It seems like we're no where closer to getting her back to normal.

Now, I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not concerned for myself and my brother. This does raise many questions I thought I wouldn't have to be concerned about just yet. But I'm more worried for her and her new husband. her mental state worries me. When you get boxed in, your head begins thinking and conjuring up things to worry about. Since she's not allowed to work and go out, she's stuck at home watching lifetime and knitting. I'm not doctor, but that seems to me a means to get older much quicker than going out and doing things. Here I am rambling when it all comes down to one big question, "When/Will my mom get better?"


In the obsession arena:


Made a sugar free parfait for stepdad on Sunday and hubby is hooked.

On Sunday I made 4 for dinner with my mom. When we got home, hubby requested more parfait. Total count: 8.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Vanity, humidity and the dreaded baby talk creeps up again.

Ok, I've hit another lull.

Seriously child welfare would have a field day with me.

Again, I didn't mean to neglect.

My rash finally subsided but I've got this thick skin left from the
cortisone. The doctor told me it would heal in time. Personally, I feel like I
look like a golden girl (rooster neck) but my hubby says I look fine. (Ok, three
days ago, he screamed out, "What the hell happened?!" I was putting on the cream
the doc told me to put on this thick cream at night and he caught me mid
slather. The greasy cold cream like concoction accentuates the redness.)

My ears are back to snuff but no jewelry will be hitting me until this neck
thing goes away.

My vanity of course is killing me since I can't put my hair up in public. So
I feel like I'm marinating myself. Last Friday, I thought I'd be found passed
out and slumped over a seat on the subway. Of course, this being NYC, they'd
assume I was just a homeless person on the platform and I wouldn't be found
until I was stripped naked and smelling like the back of a bakery.

Enough with the rash. I also finished two of my annual physicals. I've got
two more to go. Three if you count the dogs'. I keep reminding my hubby but you
know how men are. The limb can be gangrenous and hanging by a tendon but it
would only be a "flesh wound."

Plans for the party are going. I'm getting a bit nervous that I planned
everything to be done the week of the party but seriously, you can't hold meat
for long periods of time. As usual no one has rsvp'd. Total count today = 8 and
that includes me and my hubby.

On the family front, we hung out with two his second cousins. We took these
suburbianite teens out to the big bad city. We went to times square and I told
them to start pan handling. Hubby busted out laughing. I know he had fun though.
He was horsing around with them and showing off his marital arts.

My hubby has been treating me extra nice though. Sunday he took me out to
dinner. Monday he made dinner and took me to the park to watch the sunset.
Yesterday he came home with a brand new purse for me.

I know, what's his MO? I dare say, none. There are two possibilities but
there isn't concrete evidence to support either. 1) He found out about the
party. 2) He told me at the bar of the restaurant that waiting until he was
37-38 for our first kid seems silly. I nearly spit out my 7 on 7. He said that
having a kid 2 years from now isn't going to change our lifestyle any
differently than having a kid now. Needless to say, I had one too many to drink
that night.

Yes, I'd love a kid and after hanging out with two of the nicest and
politiest boys around, my womb did ache. But not that much.

Good grief. Why do we rush to grow up?

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Sometimes all you need is a clean slate.

My mom called me.

She's worried my immune system is surpressed due to all the running around
for work and what not.

Then she noted that she doesn't want to leave the house anymore. She just
doesn't have the energy anymore. I gather it's the meds they have her on but
it's still disconcerting. I think she's gotten really down and lethargic after
the accident.

Anywho, I promised her that I'd come over with dinner at the end of the
month. I guess dinner and a movie. I'd love to buy my mom a condo and move her
out of the house and sell everything in it. I think it weighs her down. Too much
history and too much junk.

If I ever win the lottery, I'd buy her a house, furnish it and buy her a
whole new wardrobe. I'd tell her she's only allowed to bring what she can fit in
one box and that's it. She can't bring the piano that no one plays anymore. She
can't bring the china she refuses to use. She can't bring her closet of clothes
circa 1980's.

I've started meditating again. Ten minutes a day. Baby steps. Today I only
did a 5-er but plan to do a ten when I get home.

My blobby rash is subsiding too. It's still there but not as severe. My face
has blown up though from the cortisone. I look like Renee Zellwegger.

I also placed my resume in the running for the new position in the Dean's
office. Will see. I think it's time for change. Don't know if it's go back to
school change or something else. Something in me is brewing and I still can't
figure out what it is.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Cheap earrings and the need to get back to my routine

I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed and in need of hiding of late.

Honestly, my schedule has been tight.

With family having babies, surgical procedures, get togethers and work taking me out of state and the prospects of a new career path in my scope, I understand why my mind wants to go on sabbatical.

Oh let's not forget the creeping blob of a germ that invaded my ears from cheap earrings and is making it's way to my nose. Sorry, but I'm never ever going to buy earrings again that don't denote: gold or silver (and not sterling, either). Damn you Ann Taylor and your cheap earrings!

With my annuals coming up as well as my 30th birthday rounding the corner, I've been taking stock of my last year; and I'm not happy about what I've neglected. I stopped meditating. Yes, I go to church now but mediating isn't just about spirituality. I've stopped consciously reviewing my oral intakes. I used to be diligent with the amount of food and alcohol I consumed. Now, I find myself having more than what I deem acceptable. It's far less than addiction but still high by my standards.

That's my self destructive path. By neglecting my physical and mental health, I've put myself in the dumps. Now, I'm not saying I'm sitting on my ass eating cheetos and getting butt cramps. Right now, I'm leaning towards my yang and I'm feeling it.

Friday, August 06, 2004

How good intentions turn into displaced anger on a head of lettuce

Because I love my husband and I enjoy aggravating my ulcer, I decided to throw a surprise birthday party for my hubby.

If party planning isn't bad enough, I'm doing this hush hush and all by myself.

I'm a bit stressed as is and yet I get a call from my pop-in-law to tell me:

1) Did you know that you scheduled it in September? Yes, your son's birthday is in september.

2) Why did you write to rsvp to your email address? Won't hubby read it? No, we have private emails. BTW, pop-in-law is not happy that we have private

3) Is his ex-wife going to be there? I ask if this would change his rsvp and he couldn't give me a yes or no. Damnit, it's your son's birthday. Suck it up.
It's not like you have to sit next her the whole time.

I'm sorry. I'm not a product of a divorced family and maybe that's why I don't understand it but for every family function, I have to walk on eggshells.
One of the reasons we couldn't have a traditional wedding was because neither party on his side wanted to be in the same county as each other.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Words to Live By

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed.
Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. - Arthur Schopenhauer

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