Is it ok to feel hollow?
Is it ok to just sit in a dark corner of my stump and just be?
I want love. I want shelter. I want protection even though I don't need it. I want someone to want me so badly they want to hold me and care for me.
I don't want to be the mighty oak. I don't want to be the one that plans and executes.
I want to not plan. I want to sit back and know it will be taken care of.
I want to be able to not hold the burden and the sometimes blame, whether intentional or not.
We all do our best.
No gratitude just gripe.
Along with the responsibility, there is the dual edge in which you probably know better but still are compelled to seek answers for other's questions. When you find them, they either disbelieve you or ignore you. Why do I keep doing it?
Why do I seek? For what?
This is different than children ignoring your sage wisdom. That I get. Experience is a the great learner.
Yet, why do I feel compelled to seek the knowledge for another adult?
Is it protective and self centered? Is it a fear that if left untouched, the other's panic and anxiety will seep into my world? It's not to show off.
Why can't I let him learn himself and just let it go? It would probably relieve the anxiety of being berated later. It probably will reduce the unpleasant tone of criticism and belittlement felt later.
I seek no solace in this pain. I seek no comfort in this loneliness yet my actions seem to lead me to this time and time again. How do I break free and breathe fire and shout, I AM STRONGER AND I DO NOT DESERVE THIS.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
I’ve spent the today and most of yesterday in a haze.
I don’t know how to get out of it.
I feel like a doll with vacant eyes.
I know it shows.
I don’t try to pretend.
Will I be like this forever?
Can I try to pretend in front of my children?
I don’t have a solution.
I don’t even want to think of a solution.
I just want to be.
I don’t want to think.
I don’t want to try.
I just want to be.
and this scares me.
My passion……… where are you?
I wish he still wrote me love letters.
I wish to feel the safeness of being intertwined.
I have a hole.
It’s this emptiness feeling that doesn’t go away with food.
It’s a sadness that just lingers and it’s a sadness that probably could be relieved with connectedness.
Is it possible to love but forget how to love?
I want to be loved.
I want to be madly, deeply loved.
I want to be told, I’m beautiful.
When I’m thought of, their heart grows ten times and a smile creeps on that is more powerful than any potion or elixir.
I don’t want to be jaded.
I don’t want to be the afterthought.
I don’t want to be expected.
I want to a be a person’s smile.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Stop asking "if you can do me a favor." You are not asking for a favor. It's not like it's your responsibility and you are asking for a favor. You tell and you say, I need you to.
There is not option. There is no you choose to or not. You just do.
You are better than this.
You deserve this.
You ever getting into an argument with someone and they turn it into a psychological analysis of your person?
I'm in a point where it seems everything I feel is turned on me and what I feel is expressed back at me as how I make a person feel.
Isn't that infuriating? When what you are trying to express to another comes back as what you make them feel but more succinctly or more insistently.
What do you say to that?
Are you pissed they said it before you did?
Are you pissed that they feel the way you do when you feel the same?
Do you decide to suppress the hurt and anger of having the tables turned and decide to wall off?
Do you say to yourself, is he doing this on purpose?
Is he aware his tactics which he accuses you of?
Do you wall off and say he is who he is and need to accept him for who he is?
Do you take the unsolicited solutions and advice and nod and wall away?
Do you scream, hey! I didn't want your advice. Blockhead, I want you to just shut up and nod and let me be who I am for ten minutes.
Why do I have to suppress who I am because it causes agita in others but others can freely be who they are?
No regrets. How can I live a life of no regrets but suppress who I am next to the person I am supposed to be closest to?
There is always push and pull in a relationship but what do you do when you feel like that's not the case?
Yes I'm non-confrontational. And maybe that's the problem. When you are with someone confrontational you then become the subservient and you either accept your role or you don't.
Just deal with it.
What if I don't want to just deal with it?
What if I want someone to talk to?
What if I want someone to not give me answers but hold my hand?
I'm not looking for validation or worth.
I want someone who believes in me and reminds me how wonderful I am.
I don't want someone to tell me this is they way and you deal with it.
I want someone to love me and yes I want someone to see my duck feet paddling under the water and know all that kicking is for them and us.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Is it fair?
Forget about fair or right.
I know that degrees of tolerance will cause a person to action and or batshit craziness.
Yesterday I worked from 9am-10:30pm. I came home to a home the an aftermath of a hurricane. I know that's to be expected. But still every time I get disappointed. I am sure it's not intentional but it is as if he knows my tolerance is low and therefore if he leaves it I'll clean it up.
Sure enough I tried to ignore it but my sleep was restless and hot.
I woke up ten minutes to the alarm to my son telling me he wet the bed.
And so began my morning of cleaning.
I cleaned the bed.
I sorted the laundry.
I tidied the kids room and the clubhouse I asked them to clean yesterday which they didn't. I know I'm perpetuating the situation.
I moved to the bathroom and did everything short of scrubbing the toilet.
I tidied the living room, dining room, kitchen and hallway.
I swept the floor.
I made breakfast.
I took a shower before the hot water was shut off for boiler maintenance.
Here's the kicker. He hasn't said a word. He hasn't said thanks or let me do it.
I left the vacuum and steamer in the middle of the entranceway as a passive aggressive message of PUT THE DAMN APPLIANCES AWAY AFTER YOU USE THEM.
I put up the back to school chore and responsibility list for the kids up and told them they need to follow the rules. I don't know how far I'll get this week as I'm not home and Dad feels he need not enforce rules.
Heck I feel like because he helped her with her homework like I asked yesterday he feels he doesn't need to do more.
I get it he has stuff to do but so do I.
What really burns me is how he doesn't enforce the kids responsibilities. They need to set the table. They need to clear the table. Basic stuff.
WTF?! Does he think kids will just do this shit? You have to teach responsibility and ownership and working together.
I will tell my children that a spouse who is unwilling to chip in shows you their true self. One who is not for the family but for himself or herself. Family is teamwork and collaboration and thinking of others not only ourselves.