Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Quick someone go back to his truck and get the CT scan parts!

This actually made me sad. I laughed but it still was sad.

The Ministry of Silly Walks has a new member...

In the last few years, the P-man has had more difficulty walking over the salt patches the building spreads out to melt the ice. I've suggested that we purchase those booties for dogs but it never came to light until last night.

We bought two types: a fleece set and a set I can only explain as those soft gloves my brother used to wear when he was talking karate.

This morning I used the karate mittens aka Jean Claude Vans. Aside from my dog giving me some serious looks this morning these mittens make the P-man the talk of the town. Strangers and neighbors came up to me to say how stylish he looked. Heck, I think they were just watching he try to walk with those things on. If you've never seen a dog acclimate to these things, imagine a dog pulling his foot out to the side and then rotating it to the front. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there is a real life incident that cartoonist imitate with that rotating walk.

Ok, I really tried to have empathy but every time his hind legs rotated I giggled. I tried muffling it.

A mitten walk adds an extra ten minutes to my morning routine which I learned the hard way. Here are some tips for new dog mitten users:

1. Strap those things on tight. You might think you are hurting them but trust me, they'll let you know if it's too tight. If you make them too loose, you'll be mitten hunting in the street.

2. Avoid the fleece unless you don't mind cleaning shmutz every walk.

3. Be prepared to be stopped by strangers on how cute your dog looks. Hence, don't walk your dogs without lipstick.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Vanity and Self Consciousness in the eyes

Someone recently told me that I am exposing too much of myself and may be
offending people with my honesty.  Well, I speak from the heart.  If 
there is anyone looking crazy in my rants and raves it's me, pantrygirl. 
Anyone who freely chooses to be my friend is a saint for dealing with my

If you know me and you are making assumptions from hearsay and have not read
any of my rants and raves, I ask you to read before making a judgment.

With that said, I must now continue my Holiday escapades.

Today's agenda includes:

Wrapping the final Christmas gifts

Making grocery list for Christmas dinner

Making holiday package for my Grandmom in Hong Kong

Prepare dough for cookie making marathon tomorrow


Thursday, December 16, 2004

Click and Ship is a Postal Carrier's Happy Holiday

Lrudlrick's presents have been wrapped. I feel bad though. See, every year, I take extra special care in wrapping presents. I wrap everyone's presents with a unique twist; well all except Lrudlrick's. First, I have to deal with hiding the darn things. Secondly, I have to wrap them before he gets home. Thirdly, most of the time his gifts require to rolls of wrapping paper.

So I usually wind up wrapping his gifts in brown paper. Yeah, yeah. I love brown paper and ribbon. It's all Little House but I'm talking about a wrap job that is far worse than any wrap job a medic in the line of fire can do.
To be honest, in one of his presents, I accidently poked a hole in the paper. So I taped it up and put a ribbon right on top of it. Then as I was moving it, I ran my fingernail through the other side. So I taped that up and it's now decided that the ripped part will lay flush to the tree skirt.

Hubby doesn't do too well with the wrapping either. He only wraps one gift, mine. No fail, every year, he waits until the night before and he asks for tape and wrapping paper. Every year I've but only scraps left. Every year, he uses the entire new roll of tape. [Hence, I buy the 99 cent tape and leave that one for him to use.]

The first year we were together, he bought an outrageous giant tigger bear for me. Of course, he had no clue how to wrap a giant orange tigger with springy tail. So he pretty much wrapped it like a meat log. The sounds of tape being ripped was deafening. When he finally came out to put the presents under the tree, he looked like Bill Murray's Hercules lifting a giant gift wrapped boulder.

Ever since, he thinks I'm some savant with gift wrapping. Hello, it's not like I aspire to be the gift wrapping guru.

It's typical of men though. You guys think that women naturally enjoy, wrapping gifts, going shopping, doing dishes and folding laundry. Here's a tip: we don't dream about ironing or folding or washing or wrapping. It needs to be done. Since the tolerance factor is much lower in a typical woman, we get stuck doing these chores.
Ladies, we aren't off the hook. My husband reminded me last night. Asking for help, however ridiculuous that sounds, is necessary with men. Men will sit on their butts playing Xbox while you vacuum around them, carry three loads of wash in front of them, go through extreme lengths to reach that container on the top shelf. They don't think this is rude because in all honesty, their line of sight is minimal. If it's not directly in their line of sight (boob level), then they don't see and what you don't see, you can't be blamed for.

Finally, men, here's one last tip: Women appreciate a kind gesture. Yes, we know you need to be told what to do but sometimes, do a quick scan of the room and see if there is anything you think would irk your wife/spouse/partner. Maybe it's that errant sock on the floor by your chair. Maybe it's that empty cup on the coffee table. However big or small, take care of it.
Trust me, your she will notice and be very thankful.

Cookie count: 30 dozen

Beers consummed: 12 or so (after 5 who counts?)

Burns: 1 (but it's a doozy)

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Your stepdad is in the hospital. Can you tape a movie for me?

As usual, my boss has revision 842 on a report she needs for a meeting tomorrow. I'm frantically working on the changes when my cell goes off. It's my MIL. I can't answer it and figure I'll call her later.

3 missed calls later and a vibrating phone that starts to pull heads into my office to assure I'm not pleasuring myself, I call Lrudlrick on my speakerphone. Of course, he's not answering. I get a hold of him on the cell and tell him to call his mom to see what the hullabaloo is.

Ten minutes later I get he following IM:

Lrudlrick: So he fell off a ladder trying to wipe off the sat dish. Went to the hospital. This was today, he is ok.

pantrygirl: OMG! Was your mom home?

Lrud: She was holding the ladder. Nasty bump on head.

pg: probably a concussion. no broken bones is good.

Lrud: She wanted to know if we can tape a show for him tonight.

pg: that's why they called? That warrants three frantic calls?

Lrud: You know how he is with movies and I guess the sat is not working right now. Here are the details.....

Ok, remember what I said about harriedness? This is the stuff I'm talking about. Here I am busting my way through a cookie load that would make Saint Nick happy and I'm supposed to remember to tape a movie for my step-dad.

Now I have nothing against my stepdad. I love the guy. I'd gladly tape it but as usual, during the holiday season and especially this year for some reason, I feel like I'm doing everything. Just once, I'd like to come home and find that I don't have to multi-task to get some quiet time for me.

Tonight's agenda includes:

Packaging and shipping gifts

Wrapping presents for office party tomorrow

Baking cookies

Making dinner

Taping a movie

Preparing dough for tomorrow's bake fest

Packaging cookies for hand delivery tomorrow

Did I mention my Larry, Curly and Moe died? I don't even have time to fish their guts out and buy replacements. :-(

Christmas just ain't Christmas without the burn marks and swollen livers

"So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it."
I don't have much time to share but boy howdy do I have a ton to tell.
I'll just drop you a list and if you want more details drop me a comment/email/im/etc.

In the mind of pantrygirl:

  • In-laws and parents.Why do they want you to have kids so much when they themselves have reverted to childlike tendencies?

  • Its frickin' freezing.Let the nipple chafing begin.

  • There is an unwritten law that uninvited guests visit when you are at the most harried.I'm not a pooper. I love guests. I get to feed them but why must everyone come-a-calling when three trays of cookies are baking, my dough is melting and my mashed hard candies are burning?

  • My damn tree is not drinking any of its fireproof elixir. This year in my paranoia, I decided to try the fireproof method for ensuring a safe Christmas. Lrudlrick picked up a short tree this year so I was able to hoist the damn thing myself into my gallon bucket to soak the darn thing.This tree drinks less water than when I use the regular concoction of water and more water. So now, I'm even more paranoid that I've killed the tree and I'm just making myself some nice pile of tinder in my foyer.

  • This Christmas is crazier than last. Lrudlrick thinks otherwise. I might remind him that I do a great deal of the holiday to dos. I remind myself at this point that Mothra has added to my list ten fold and that if Lrudlrick captained this crazy Christmas ship, we'd be 3 pecks short of a bushel.

  • Stupid pg fact #1:I can't decorate a tree without singing "Oh Christmas Tree" at least once. I'll sing it when I'm by myself. I'll sing it if someone is helping me or just sitting there oblivious to me decorating said tree.

    Stupid pg fact #1 part b: When Lrudlrick hears me sing "Oh Christmas Tree” he chimes "You are so soft and cuddly." This makes pg smile no matter what's going on.

  • I’m officially a Keebler elf. 24 dozen cookies down and gazillion more to go.

  • On a side note: If this turns out well, I may consider selling my cookies in the building next year. {Yes, I have issues.}

    Stupid pg fact #2: If you consume 5 bottles a beer while making said cookies, the tears don’t shed as much.Just kidding. Sorry if you get the salty cookie.

  • I seriously love Christmas.With all the craziness going on, most of which is self inflicted, I’m quite happy and am glad.

  • Now I have to get back to what I’m getting paid to do.
    Hears to picking up another six pack tonight!

    Thursday, December 09, 2004


    You will drive the car to the airport yourself.

    You will help me bake cookies.

    You will buy presents for your father and your aunt.

    You will do my laundry and the house laundry.

    Pantrygirl will not be caged!

    I don't ask much of my husband.

    An occasional hook in the closet and taking the recyclables and trash out

    I've never asked him to cook for me although I enjoy it.

    I don't even ask him to clean up his chocolate candy droppings or his empty
    Snapple bottles.

    Every month, I kindly remind him of the requests I've made.  Requests
    such as: vacuum ceiling fan, make your annual physical appointment and put up
    that hook in my closet.

    Last night, after 9 months, Lrudlrick put up the hook.  He awoke me from
    the couch and told me to go to bed.  When I walked past his cleaned out
    closet and my closet, he asked me if I wanted to see them.  Wearily and
    crankily I did.  He got upset and walked out to walk the dogs.

    How the hell am I supposed to be happy and excited at 1 in the morning and 9
    months after I requested it?  Understand how you get upset when the simple
    work requests go unfulfilled by the super?  Well, imagine that's what I go
    through with you but I don't get upset.  I just resign myself to sending
    you reminders.

    I don't go out and find the super, the managing agent and the board president
    and plan to show the errors in their performance.  You do.

    I don't tell my wife that the meeting is at 8 so either take your shower now
    or after they come and have them show up at 9am.  You do.

    I don't lock my wife in the bedroom with the key stuck on the outside of the
    door.  You do.

    I don't leave my wife and two full bladder dogs in the locked bedroom and
    leave the house.  You do.

    I don't leave my wife in a room where she's asked for a phone installed
    without a phone and without any means of communication to you at 9:15 in the
    morning.  You do.

    I don't leave my wife in a room without means of communication and without a
    single form of sustenance.  You do.

    Did I mention I had a full bladder?

    Your wife had to pull out her memories of Nancy Drew and MacGyver to get
    herself out of there. I thought about leaving myself in there to rot while you
    go to work and subsequently to a Christmas party; but the dogs would be the
    victim.  My only choices were get myself out or climb through the fire
    escape to our neighbor and call you ass to get home.

    I opted to use the last option as a last resort.  45 mins later. 
    Your wife has ruined two bobby pins, her manicure shears, her tweezers and one
    cuticle pusher.

    As of this moment, you suck.  You suck and owe me big Mister. 
    Remember, Christmas is around the corner and I've started deducting!

    You're plans for leaving me alone with your mom on Friday are shot.  You
    are coming home from work.  I'm not waiting for your butt to get home. 
    If you pull some stunt, I'm leaving them at the house alone.

    You owe me a tree that you promised we'd get last Sunday, last Monday and
    last night.

    You will help me decorate the tree.

    You will take my Saturday escort duties for your mother.

    You owe me big, Mister.

    And you begin to pay today!

    Wednesday, December 08, 2004


    Here is my tentative schedule with my MIL on Saturday:

    8:30 take train down to Soho

    9:45 at Hair Stylist (Walk around and buy Christmas gifts)

    1pm Lunch ???

    1:30 cab it to Midtown

    2pm at Facialist (Walk around and buy Christmas gifts)

    4pm Bus it home

    6pm Dinner

    7pm They drive to Long Island

    Can someone tell me how this happened? Can someone tell me how the heck I'm going to wake up early enough to train it at 8:30 in the morning? My luck it will rain and I'll be walking around a sopping me wet.

    Tuesday, December 07, 2004

    You want me to buy another present!

    I just got my invite to the company's Vice President's Holiday party.
    It states to bring a $25.00 grab bag gift.

    Honestly, what do I give as a grab bag gift to people who make six digit salaries?

    Just when I'm feeling good about my gift buying, I've got this. It can't be a goofy gift. Imagine me giving hair in a can to the VP. It can't be gender specific. It can't be holiday specific. Good grief.

    Ho Ho Ho

    Britian's Neo-Nazi party(BNP) hires DJ for annual Christmas party. "The DJ sounded white on the phone."

    High Maintenance costs do not equal better service

    This Christmas, the service crew in our building probably will think me a Grinch
    however, in my opinion, if you've done nothing but cause me and my husband to
    ake days off of work for no work or shotty workmanship, you don't deserve a huge Christmas tip.

    Every Christmas I start with a moderately high amount and count my way down.
    At the rate our super and handyman are going, they owe me money. Now, I'm not
    a hard ass. I'm far from a hard ass. In fact, I let my hubby be the bad guy
    and I'm the gal with the cold beverage to offer but as of late, I've been doing
    the work that the super and handyman should be doing.

    You put a ticket in and wait. And wait. And wait. Four weeks later, you give
    up and call to complain or get someone else to do it.

    I find it funny that the two service teams I deem should get more tip are the
    porters and security. As it stands, UPS man, Postman and the porters and
    security will be getting a happy present this year. Something as simple as
    holding the door for me or just plain saying, "Good morning" to me means more to
    me than answering my ticket requests in a timely manner.

    Funny thing is this is the nicest building we've lived in. In our last building, the maintenance fee was nearly twice as low as our current fees yet the super came the same day to inspect and assign work to his staff. Sure he was drunk most nights but you could guarantee from October through January, he was the nicest guy in town. He knew Christmas tips were up for grabs.

    In this building, it's two weeks before Christmas and still no effort to be available to the residents. I've never seen them in the office. I've never had them answer their phones (office and cells). In fact, if you walked into my building right now, I guarantee the only people you'll see are the porters, the security, the UPS guy, the mailman, the board president.

    What's even more funny is the duties for the day chalkboard. It is supposed to list the apts or areas in the building you will find the super and handyman throughout the day. It is 8 times out of 10 blank.

    UPDATE: Lrudlrick called the super to see if he fixed the mailbox and after the run around he said yes. Then he asked about the status of our intercom directory and mailbox nameplate. After some huffing and puffing and redirecting responsibility to the handyman, he hung up on my husband. Can't you picture Lrudlrick's face all red!

    Oh Christmas Tree. Oh Christmas Tree.

    Surprisingly, I'm rather calm for a the holiday season.
    Ok, my a pint of haagen daz and two beers a day are masking the anxiety.

    I have my ideas for presents for all but one remaining present.
    Now, I just need the money to buy them.
    MIL is more flitty than my anal retentive self can handle but I believe I've
    done all that I can do.
    Hair, Spa and Doctor (last minute add on) have been booked.

    Now, we need to either park our car in the airport for them to pick up or have
    them take a taxi.
    Personally, I leaning towards taxi. I'm just not seeing a rush the night before
    they come to drop a car off at JFK as going well.
    Honestly, if I didn't have a doctor appointment I cannot miss, I'd pick them up
    but it was the only time available and if I cancel, I need to wait until after Christmas.

    I've been anxiously and patiently waiting for the Christmas tree which my hubby
    promised we'd get on Sunday. Of course, Sunday passed and he said Monday.
    Well today is Tuesday and since he has class tonight, I'm going to go another night
    without setting the tree.

    I've decided that regardless, I am picking up a tree on Wednesday even if it
    means I hire a homeless guy to drag it home for me.
    Otherwise, I'm trimming the tree with my MIL in the house.
    Not to mention the fact that I'm going to have to trim the tree after I get my nails done.
    Time to whip out those heavy duty blue gloves!
    Any woman will tell you that you never trim the tree after you do your nails.
    You trim the tree prior to.
    Doing your nails and then trimming the tree is just wasting good money.
    Why can't Lrudlrick understand this? :-P

    Wednesday will be crazy. Tree and laundry are on the agenda.
    (Laundry is the next thing I really don't want to do with my MIL.
    No need for her to see my skivvies.)

    I just realized something.
    What the hell am I going to do at the salon and spa while she's getting her hair and face done? I'd spa too but I'm not in the mood. It's not like I have the car. I guess I'll bring a book and window shop. Hey, maybe I'll get lucky and find the elusive last present we need!

    Thursday, December 02, 2004

    If you get the bloody or burnt Christmas card, sorry.

    I finished all my cards. Well, I have two left to make.
    Two paper cuts, two burns to my index finger and knuckle and three diet cokes later (drank the last beers during the initial template structure), I completed this year's cards.

    Now all I need are the stamps, some burn ointment and a couple of bandaids.

    BTW, my original design name was Blood, Sweat and Tears Designs but was later scraped when I realized the initials (BST Designs) looked like Bullshit Designs.

    I'm going to relax tonight. Partly because I'm exhausted from handmaking 50 cards and my next big agenda is cookie making. Partly because the rest of my Christmas chaos will need to wait until I get a strong hold on what my plans are for my MIL's visit.

    I plan to pick up the fish on Thursday. I was going to serve it with Rice and Beans but my husband made a face. Step-FIL likes RnB. I see nothing wrong with that combo. In fact, rice and fish are always delish to me. I told him, I'd make mashed potatoes on the side for him. Should I make string beans? Eh.

    Last night I made meatballs again. I have this thing about meatballs. I guess because it's easy to make and it's pretty much mindless drone work. I can sit there rolling out balls while I make a list in my head. Unfortunately, I droned out to much and added too much meal and I made leadballs. I even had a hard time choking them things down. I felt like the ball was soaking the little moisture I had in my mouth. Lrudlrick was kind and didn't say a thing. At least the pasta and sauce was good.

    In a feat which could only be one of the best gifts he could give me, hubby did the laundry last night. All of it. Every comforter, sheet, towel, my laundry, his laundry. Of course, nearly 4 hours later, he looked completely wiped out. He even folded! I guess after 8 years, he realizes when mid-November rolls around, I'm in super OCD/AR Holiday mode. Compound my masochist tendencies during the holiday season with my MIL visiting and you've got Neurotic Pantrygirl. Sure, I'm OCD with AR tendencies but it becomes quite selective in December. Hence the house and and housework is serious lacking due to the fact that I must spend 4 hours over a griddle making Christmas cards. God I need a man with a good couch and extensive knowledge of Jung ("there'll be no blaming Mother today!").

    Christmas presents to go:


    Christmas Dinner Menu (tentative)

    Standing Rib Roast

    Yorkshire Pudding

    Garlicky Mashed Potatoes

    ???Greens??? (Hubby's choice is Creamed corn)

    Warm Sinfully Chocolate Pudding with berry goodness

    My Favorite Nigerian Scam Email. (Check out how they spell partnership)

    -----ORIGINAL MESSAGE-----


    SENT: WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 01, 2004 1:29 PM







    Freakin' Sweet

    Haha, you said North Pole... What better way to celebrate the holidays than with a double-dose of animated cheer? FOX will be airing back-to-back episodes of Family Guy on Friday, Dec. 10th starting at 9/8c. The holiday block will kick off with “A Very Special Family Guy Freakin’ Christmas” and will be followed by “When You Wish Upon a Weinstein”, airing for the first time on broadcast television. Does that count as a new episode? I’m gonna say yes. And you thought you could have the holidays without Gene Simmons and a Las Vegas bar mitzvah… -- Fox

    Ongoing list of Pet Peeves

    Unshaved legs in sheer stockings

    Unshaved legs in sheer colored stockings

    Public transportation travellers who don't give their seat to the elderly, pregnant or person with small child.

    People who can't tell me in my face they don't like me. Stop going behind my back. Remember, I used to work in systems. I know how to trail back to the person who's trying to sabotage me. Idjit.

    Wednesday, December 01, 2004

    The man with a never-ending bad day is back, 01.09.2005

    Everyone is gone but potato face?

    Plus, is it just me or am I correct to assume that '24' is not going to be winning 'the most ethnically diverse cast in a television series' award this year?

    You heard it hear...

    "I don't eat it so I can buy it..... I also have furs." -- Step-MIL on being a Vegetarian and buying a leather couch and loveseat.

    Who buys Dunkin Donuts gift certificates anyway?

    Every year, the hardest presents to get are always the last on the list.
    Of course this does nothing but cause me more agita. I've tried everything to
    soothe my anxiety. Twice I've passed these hard presents to my husband. Twice
    we found ourselves (and yes, we) frantically searching for these presents.

    This year, I've thrown it back to me but at this rate, I'm still going to be
    frantically searching Dec 23rd for these bloody presents. I did get my MILs present
    yesterday. I'm actually quite proud of myself. {pat pat} In my crazy searches
    to find the perfect present for them, I happened to find out that an oldies concert
    is scheduled for next weekend. It's a bit over budget but I figured I can't find
    a more perfect present for them. So when they arrive, we're going to give them
    there presents early.

    So far I'm not hitting my $200 savings mark like I did last year. I was so proud
    I was $200 under budget last year, I was giddy for weeks. I'm trying to make it
    within budget this year, but it gets more and more difficult as the days countdown.
    Last year with our impending move, I was very strict with myself. Unfortunately,
    convenience is winning me over this year. In all fairness, I also have a new set of
    building/services and work staff gratuities to allot for. We will soon see how I
    fair this year.

    Presents left countdown:


    Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah!

    School pageants must be fun.

    Words to Live By

    Almost everyone feels the same way at times.

    Related tags:

    So not fair

    Ok, The Heat Miser and Snow Miser ornaments are up to $103.00!

    Seriously, on your holiday shopping excursions, if you see them cheap, call me!