Saturday, September 26, 2015


I am spent. I am tired. I am hurt. I want to just ball myself and cry. I feel alone. Why? 
Am I strong? I feel weak. I feel tired. I feel alone. Yet I must suppress and remain strong for my kids. Did I turn the wrong corner? Why?

Monday, August 31, 2015


Is it ok to feel hollow?
Is it ok to just sit in a dark corner of my stump and just be?

I want love. I want shelter. I want protection even though I don't need it. I want someone to want me so badly they want to hold me and care for me.

I don't want to be the mighty oak. I don't want to be the one that plans and executes.
I want to not plan. I want to sit back and know it will be taken care of.
I want to be able to not hold the burden and the sometimes blame, whether intentional or not.

We all do our best.

No gratitude just gripe.

Along with the responsibility, there is the dual edge in which you probably know better but still are compelled to seek answers for other's questions. When you find them, they either disbelieve you or ignore you. Why do I keep doing it?
Why do I seek? For what?

This is different than children ignoring your sage wisdom. That I get. Experience is a the great learner.
Yet, why do I feel compelled to seek the knowledge for another adult?

Is it protective and self centered? Is it a fear that if left untouched, the other's panic and anxiety will seep into my world? It's not to show off.
Why can't I let him learn himself and just let it go? It would probably relieve the anxiety of being berated later. It probably will reduce the unpleasant tone of criticism and belittlement felt later.

I seek no solace in this pain. I seek no comfort in this loneliness yet my actions seem to lead me to this time and time again. How do I break free and breathe fire and shout, I AM STRONGER AND I DO NOT DESERVE THIS.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

In all things, I am blank, so very blank.

I’ve spent the today and most of yesterday in a haze.
I don’t know how to get out of it. 
I feel like a doll with vacant eyes.
I know it shows.
I don’t try to pretend.

Will I be like this forever?
Can I try to pretend in front of my children?

I don’t have a solution.
I don’t even want to think of a solution.
I just want to be.
I don’t want to think.
I don’t want to try.

I just want to be.

and this scares me.

My passion……… where are you?

I wish

I wish he still wrote me love letters.
I wish to feel the safeness of being intertwined.

I have a hole.
It’s this emptiness feeling that doesn’t go away with food.
It’s a sadness that just lingers and it’s a sadness that probably could be relieved with connectedness. 

Is it possible to love but forget how to love?
I want to be loved.
I want to be madly, deeply loved.

I want to be told, I’m beautiful.
I’m desired.
I’m unique.

When I’m thought of, their heart grows ten times and a smile creeps on that is more powerful than any potion or elixir.

I don’t want to be jaded.
I don’t want to be the afterthought.
I don’t want to be expected.

I want to a be a person’s smile. 

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

No ifs. No favors.

Stop asking "if you can do me a favor." You are not asking for a favor. It's not like it's your responsibility and you are asking for a favor. You tell and you say, I need you to. 
There is not option. There is no you choose to or not. You just do.
Be strong. 
You are better than this. 
You deserve this. 


You ever getting into an argument with someone and they turn it into a psychological analysis of your person?

I'm in a point where it seems everything I feel is turned on me and what I feel is expressed back at me as how I make a person feel. 

Isn't that infuriating? When what you are trying to express to another comes back as what you make them feel but more succinctly or more insistently. 

What do you say to that?
Are you pissed they said it before you did?
Are you pissed that they feel the way you do when you feel the same?

Do you decide to suppress the hurt and anger of having the tables turned and decide to wall off?

Do you say to yourself, is he doing this on purpose?
Is he aware his tactics which he accuses you of?

Do you wall off and say he is who he is and need to accept him for who he is?

Do you take the unsolicited solutions and advice and nod and wall away?

Do you scream, hey! I didn't want your advice. Blockhead, I want you to just shut up and nod and let me be who I am for ten minutes. 

Why do I have to suppress who I am because it causes agita in others but others can freely be who they are?

No regrets. How can I live a life of no regrets but suppress who I am next to the person I am supposed to be closest to?

There is always push and pull in a relationship but what do you do when you feel like that's not the case?

Yes I'm non-confrontational. And maybe that's the problem. When you are with someone confrontational you then become the subservient  and you either accept your role or you don't. 


Just deal with it. 

What if I don't want to just deal with it?
What if I want someone to talk to?
What if I want someone to not give me answers but hold my hand?
I'm not looking for validation or worth. 
I want someone who believes in me and reminds me how wonderful I am. 

I don't want someone to tell me this is they way and you deal with it. 

I want someone to love me and yes I want someone to see my duck feet paddling under the water and know all that kicking is for them and us. 

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Apparently the i in Family is bugging me.

Is it fair? 
Forget about fair or right. 

I know that degrees of tolerance will cause a person to action and or batshit craziness. 

Yesterday I worked from 9am-10:30pm. I came home to a home the an aftermath of a hurricane. I know that's to be expected. But still every time I get disappointed. I am sure it's not intentional but it is as if he knows my tolerance is low and therefore if he leaves it I'll clean it up. 

Sure enough I tried to ignore it but my sleep was restless and hot. 
I woke up ten minutes to the alarm to my son telling me he wet the bed. 

And so began my morning of cleaning. 
I cleaned the bed. 
I sorted the laundry. 
I tidied the kids room and the clubhouse I asked them to clean yesterday which they didn't. I know I'm perpetuating the situation. 
I moved to the bathroom and did everything short of scrubbing the toilet. 
I tidied the living room, dining room, kitchen and hallway. 
I swept the floor. 
I made breakfast. 
I took a shower before the hot water was shut off for boiler maintenance. 

Here's the kicker. He hasn't said a word. He hasn't said thanks or let me do it. 
I left the vacuum and steamer in the middle of the entranceway as a passive aggressive message of PUT THE DAMN APPLIANCES AWAY AFTER YOU USE THEM. 
I put up the back to school chore and responsibility list for the kids up and told them they need to follow the rules. I don't know how far I'll get this week as I'm not home and Dad feels he need not enforce rules. 

Heck I feel like because he helped her with her homework like I asked yesterday he feels he doesn't need to do more. 

I get it he has stuff to do but so do I.  

What really burns me is how he doesn't enforce the kids responsibilities. They need to set the table. They need to clear the table. Basic stuff. 

WTF?! Does he think kids will just do this shit? You have to teach responsibility and ownership and working together. 

I will tell my children that a spouse who is unwilling to chip in shows you their true self. One who is not for the family but for himself or herself. Family is teamwork and collaboration and thinking of others not only ourselves. 

Monday, May 25, 2015

Unsolicited Advice

When you start something with, I don't mean to criticize, you can pretty much guess, you mean to criticize.

Sunday, May 24, 2015


I was looking for someone opposite me. To have the traits I so wished I had. To be self confident. To be self assured. To be less anxiety prone. 

What I need is someone who will complement me. Someone who will be my earth when I'm the air or water. Someone who will be my wind when my fire burns with passion yet be my water to quench my thirst when my fire burns too wildly. 

I need someone who can be my pillar. 

I need someone who realizes two pillars United and strong hold the foundation for the generation before us. We have a duty and with pride I take my calling. 

With prayer I take my other calling. 
God made me as I am to do his will. 
God placed me here to help others come closer to him. 
God placed me here to help me come closer to him. 

I need to be mindful. I need to be accepting. I need to know there is a plan and there is a reason and it is not for naught. 

Two parallel ships

I don't know how much more supportive I can be. You say I'm not but all I do is to try to be supportive. 
I don't feel the need to announce my doings. What is a cry from you for help is appearing to me to be self interest. 
How will this affect me?
How will this play out in my head? 

Stopping playing it out in your head. Have faith. 
Anxiety and worry are genetic. 

Swimming 2:15pm

When we go away it's usually a much needed event. 

But for this mom going away means that I'm responsible for planning, packing, figuring what to do, cooking, coordinating the day and swimming. 

So in short a getaway but not so much a relaxing one for mom. I will say it's relaxing but in a different way. It's nice to see the kids have fun and enjoy. If it wasn't why would I keep doing it. 

Sadly it feels many times that is all on my shoulders. A lot of times i wish I wasn't the one always handling things. 

Even directions and at times driving are also on my to dos.  Many times. DH says he's tired or he's not in a state to drive. 

At first I wondered if I should be upset about the state he's in but I'm not wondering if it's better for him to be in that state than not. 

He's very angry and grumpy when he's not. He says it's his stomach or something is on his mind. It's as if he doesn't want to be here and sadly the family probably would've happier if he wasn't if he continued in his grumpy mood. 

We want him near us. It's not that we don't want him near us. We just want him to not be the Debbie downer of the group.   

Friday, May 22, 2015

The UnFun One

I know spouses are supposed to scaffold and support but when one feels as if she's scaffolding more than the other it gets tiring. 
I know God gives us talents and we need to use those talents to help others. I know God is asking me to help my loved one. I sometimes feel it is hard though especially when I feel as if because it's known I'll be the rock one feels they can do what I deem very irresponsible things for a grown person and role model. 

I plan. I organize. I maintain. That doesn't mean you don't have to put any effort. Try.  

Just try. 

Thursday, May 21, 2015


I'm beat. 

As part of our exploration of our city fun and because he's in love with Christoph Neimann's Subway, we took a ride to 23rd via the 1, 2, 7 and F. 
Boy howdy did DS love it. His only gripe was we didn't take the 3. Think it's a sequential thing. 

We grabbed a brief moment of yoga but he wasn't into the group dynamic and we left early before the crowds dispersed and made our way to the Lego store where he out his engineering skills to work on this beauty. 

We grabbed some lunch and then picked up a frame for DD's school project and made our way home. 

After work, I ran home to make dinner while DH and the kids were at DS' class. I also started DS' bath so it was ready for his return. When he returned DH asked me to run down. I picked up the kids and we started our evening routine. 

By the time I finished setting the dishwasher, I was spent. I lay on the bed for a few minutes before heading to bed with DS. 

Tuesday, May 19, 2015


"All I know is you better remember this next year."
I made a mistake.
This morning, I woke up after another fitful night of bad dreams. These bad dreams however seemed to be under my control. I didn't feel panic. I felt like if I kept my wits I'd be able to manage and resolve the issue.

I woke up around 2am to force myself to work on the annual class project for DD's school. I had made up my mind that this would be my last year spearheading this project. I just have too much to do.
Still I had to complete it and time was running out.

However, as I was organizing my bags and formalizing a plan of attack, DS woke up and said he needed me. So I packed everything and went back to the bedroom with him.

While laying there next to him, I decided if I can't physically work on it, I'll make my lists which helps me tackle my to dos. Ok, I asked DH to take the trash and recyclables I set up by the door out when he walked the door. What do I need to do? Empty the dishwasher. I set it to wash after supper and everything should be dry now. Upload the photos for the project. etc...

I fell asleep reading the news afterwards.
I woke up at 6am thanks to my alarm clock, DS. (Thank goodness, he generally wakes up happy-go-lucky.)
I went outside and emptied the dishwasher and began breakfast and lunch. I also uploaded the photos and began formatting them. Next step for the project is to borrow DH's professional printer or send it to a print shop to print. I'm reluctant to ask DH for help because he's completely mired in anxiety about juggling his schedule come September.

I woke up DD at 7:15am and she was at the table eating her breakfast by 7:30am. Dishes were washed and DH walked our dog and DD to the bus stop.


Had a terrible nightmare DD was at a pizzeria by herself and I had no clue which one it was to get to her. 

Someone said she was at DD's pizzeria, a place I never heard of and as I was running like a crazy person while googling to find the address I had a question at the back of my head,"is it really DD's pizzeria or a pizza shop she's keen on?"

I don't know why I didn't stop to think to call it but I just kept running. 

Woke up late. Well, kidlets finally went to bed at 9:21p. I washed the dishes from supper and cleared the countertop for the repairman and went to the bed. Woke up around 3:40 to help DS settle back into bed. Woke up at 5:00 to DH's laptop light shining on my face. Went back to bed and woke up at 7a to DS cuddling in my arms. Got out of bed at 7:41 to shower and get dressed. DH. Made breakfast today. Went to wake DD up as DS was unsuccessful with getting her of bed. (They both fell out very late.)

Knew DH would be upset  (remember, breakfast on table by 7:40 and kids eating by 7:50) and kept out of the way. Told DD to dress quickly and run to dining room. 

Got dressed and packed my bags and discussed the week's schedule. DH seems tense. 

Last night he said that he may seem out is sorts because he doesn't know how he's going to juggle grad school with two kids. I listened. I didn't offer any advice. I just listened and acknowledged his worries. 

Remember, acknowledge, don't solve. Listen and stay true to self. 

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Blank page

So tired. 
Feel empty and blank. 

Figuring the next five weekends would be ridiculous with events and to dos and taking the rain as a sign to take it easy I planned a day of relaxing and maybe having movie day with the kids. 

Pop the popcorn and watch an old flick from my childhood. Maybe Pirates of Penzance. 

The kids were energy filled and DH decried the kids were going out.  DH returns 20 minutes later to tell me he's disappointed that I don't think to take the kids as he's with them for 3:7 days by himself and he needs a break. 

I recall what my friend said of not defending myself and using his tactics. I stop and remain calm. I say,"I'm sorry you feel that way."  

He gets even more upset at me saying I'm pandering. 

I ask him what could I say that would make him feel better. He has no answer. He leaves. 

My friend was right. If I stay calm and do not use the tactics he uses he won't escalate. It's as if he's seeking the antagonism.  Don't defend myself. Don't show emotion. It's going to get harder as he's seeking to push buttons. I need to remain calm in order to keep my integrity. 

I spent the rest of the day instead of working on stuff for my kids which are long overdue with critical deadlines doing laundry. 

As DH left he gave me the laundry card and said that all he wanted to do was to leisurely do one load of wash. Now it's my responsibility. 

Now I wonder if he's morning rant to me was simply to get me to do the laundry. He knows that would be my reaction. 

He knows either I may overreact to his words. It sets him off when I do and this time I didn't. He says I go overboard. That's my defensive mechanism. I'm didn't want to hear his words and feel belittled and of little worth. I kept my wits. I didn't overreact. I didn't with words or with actions. 

I did however do all the laundry including linens and bath rugs and towels.
I washed all the dishes.
I did the groceries. 
I cleaned a pantry. 

It's not because of my OCD. Ok maybe 20%. My OCD had considerably changed since my children were born. 

Nope. I did it because somehow I feel if I do these things DH won't have as many anger spurts. Perhaps he won't be so upset. I feel like he is most comfortable handling one thing at a time and not always to completion. That's just him. I can't change that. He's fine with this until a point where the lack of completion complicates his day to day. 

He can handle always misplacing his keys. He can handle always returning to the apartment to search for something he forgot. He cannot handle the confusion that's left when after days and weeks of unswept floors and unwashed clothes mounts and he doesn't know where to begin.  It seems as if it's never ending and insurmountable. It would seem insurmountable if every day you came home and there were clean piles of clothes unfolded on your couch and dirty piles of clothes blocking your bathroom door. 

For me, if I keep with a routine. If I do a little every day and not wait until a mountain is formed, it can be tackled with little effort and doesn't require much time. 

Yes you can take off a day (Thursday I did when I came home from work at 9pm). But you try to keep that down to one day a week. 

So I stopped work on my kids stuff and decided to do those things. 
I finished and even had a chance to clean the bathroom and take a shower. 

I also made lunch for the kids and DH. He didn't tell me his plans and honestly I was afraid he'd be mad if there was nothing for the kids to eat for lunch ready. 

Yesterday he texted me that when I take DS to nap, it is always too late. Just like I have to have DD at the breakfast table by 8:40am, I need to have DS napping by 1pm. So I hastily made some lunch and left it there waiting. They never returned home for lunch or nap. 

I contemplated starting the work I need to do by Monday for the kids but by then I was exhausted. Laundry (5 loads) washed, dried, folded and put away. Trash thrown out. Recyclables tossed. Pantry cleaned. Groceries bought and put away. Bathroom cleaned. Dishes washed, dried and put away. I showered. 

All I wanted to do was take a nap. 

Midway through DH texted to apologize. He said he was sorry for letting out his frustrations on me and admitted to be touchy on things. 

I didn't even think of his text. I know his is scary but if I receive a text like this then I think it's more for him than me. Yet if I don't get one like this I fear deep down he will return later and have more to reprimand me on or that I haven't done enough to appease him. 

I don't think about it and I just focus on the laundry. 

He texted again later in the afternoon to say he was returning. I told him I wanted pizza. 

I didn't. 
I don't want pizza. I just wanted a family calm day. Idealist views of me and the kids cuddled watching a film eating pizza and popcorn. 

I knew that would never happen with me having to make a meal. Time waits for no one. 

He appeased me and picked up a pie. 
When he returned DD was feeling ill. 
I knew movie night wouldn't happen. I wasn't upset. It was an ideal. Plus that morning DH said matter of fact that there was movie he would want to see the kids would want to see and vice versa. 
Essentially movie night if there were to be one would not include him. If it did, it would include his physical being in the room but surfing on his computer. 
I have resigned myself to knowing any movie, TV or entertainment night in my head will always be just a 3 party event. 

Maybe it's that he's an only child. Maybe it's that he didn't have these things as a kid. I remember my dad and mom sitting with us watching ABC family movies and whatnot. I am sure they hated them but they sat there and watched. Dad an avid reader put down his book and watched with us. 

Anyway I helped settle DD, bathed both kids separately and now all the kids are asleep now and I finished and put away the dishes. The kids cleaned the dining room. I compiled the trash. 

I packed the snacks for the kids sports teams and prepped for tomorrow morning by putting their clothes out. 

I know I should work on my Monday deadline stuff but all I want to do now is stare at a blank wall. 

Friday, May 15, 2015

You could be swinging on a star

Can it always be in my head? 

If that were true, then do I need professional help?

What about everyone else who you have advised to seek professional help? 

Either we all truly need help or you are being orbited by some truly bat shit crazy    celestial beings. 


I feel like shutting down again. 

Don't punish me for doing what needs to get done.

I came home from a very long day at work at 9pm. I was exhausted. I had only eaten a small meal all day. I have had chest pain sort of like heartburn since the night before. I think I’m stressed and tired. I’m having a hard time breathing hard and I have low energy.

I came home. DH and DS were in bed. DD was up. She was playing a game. Dishes were piled high. I left the home this morning with the trash taken out, the dishes washed and put away. I didn’t have a chance to take out the recyclables and I asked DH to take them out when he went to pick up our daughter from the bus stop. We’ve been home for two days straight waiting for a repairman for our dishwasher, a repairman who has yet to show up.

I was beat. The recyclables were still by the door, toys were strewn about, the kids did not put away their shoes and they were like landmines from the entranceway to the living room. Dishes were piled so high I couldn’t see the countertop. I resolved myself not to think of it and to focus on myself at the moment. My chest hurts. I’m tired and hungry. Eat something, undress and get your daughter to bed, PG. 
I grabbed a plate and made myself some supper from the delicious pulled pork my husband had made in our crockpot. He’s been trying to make meals more lately. I am grateful for the attempt and the yummy meals.

I chatted with DD for a bit and then sent her to bed and I tried to work on some work but just didn’t have the strength. I didn’t even have the strength to wash my face.

I left my computer in the kids room and texted DH when he came out to please bring me the laptop.

I sat on the couch and read the news from my phone. Maybe decompressing would make me feel better and help me focus to work later.
DH woke up and came out looking wiped. I had told him about the chest tightness via text. He said he felt that too months ago and could related to the lethargy and low energy. I asked him to please bring me my laptop. He said he didn’t want to go back in there. He then disappeared into our bedroom. I went to the kids room and tidied a small path from the door to the beds just in case anyone should wake up in the middle of the night. I brought in the toys from the living room and dining room, took my laptop and went back to the couch.
Then I just sat there. I stared at my computer and tried to find the strength and desire to open it and work but I didn’t have it. I simply was spent.
I fell asleep with a face full of makeup, unbrushed teeth and in the fetal position on the couch.

I woke up at 3am to DS asking me to help him potty.
Got him back to sleep and passed out next to him.
Woke up at 7am and rushed to get out at 7:30a for a meeting.

When I returned home one of DH’s remarks was, “I have been doing dishes all week and I’m just tired of doing them.”
Ok, let’s think back here. I’m not trying to say who did more but that statement makes it sound like I have not been the primary dishwasher.

I completed the dishes and meal and tidied up the toys again. I had DS put away coats and shoes, which is the children’s responsibility anyway.

All this makes me think that deep down, if I don’t take care of these things even when I’m at a point of exhaustion, I’m given crap for it. It may not be intentional. I don’t think he even knows it but the moment I let up I’ve somehow burdened him with too much and he shuts down.

I need to remember he cannot plan and organize and therefore I need to help him by doing these things.

I’m not trying to change him. He’ll never have these traits. He shouldn’t try to change me. I’ll always have lists of to dos. Yet I feel as though I do try to accommodate how my ability to prioritize and plan and execute annoys him so i do it when he’s not around or asleep, he won’t even acknowledge that he needs me to do this and leave me alone so I can do it.

It’s not a criticism of him. I don’t do these things to taunt him. I do these things because I must. Someone needs to in our home. Just don’t punish me for doing them.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Feeling tired and my heart hurts a little.

Maybe it's that he wants me to focus on him again. Before kids he was my focus. After kids not so much. 

If I spend more time doting on him maybe things will be better. 

Spent last night on the couch with him again. He actually reached out to me and stroked my leg. 
He wound up falling asleep on my lap as I massaged his head. 

Had to go to DS around 2am when he woke up. 

All night and morning I've had a agita feeling in my heart. Think it's stress from school related things. Think I need to focus on myself again but for the sake of my marriage I will push on. This too shall pass. 

About to go wash dishes and make breakfast and lunch and prep for repairman before heading to work. 

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

No reply

I said I love you today. He didn't respond.

Is he out of love for me?

He did kiss me yesterday when I returned home.
He even sat next to me on the couch. I watched a show while he surfed and researched school stuff. It was still nice.

Even nicer was having supper together. I put the kids at the art table for supper and told them not to interrupt us and they didn't.

We started dinner without going to the computer right away. We chatted a little and then we did go to the computer but small steps.

He went to bed and let me lay next to him until DD woke up from a nightmare and I spent the rest of the night calming her down and settling her in.

He didn't kiss me goodbye this morning and he didn't reply to my I love you text today.

I washed the dishes last night and this morning I made breakfast, cleaned up the refrigerator. I packed DD lunch and took both the kids to the bus stop.

I plan to fold the clean laundry and tidy up some more.
Not sure if tidying up the house and doing household stuff helps the situation but so far it hasn't hurt. When I get home from work, I will continue to tidy and clear up, try to spend some time with him, if he allows it and then after everyone's asleep work on other things. We do what God has given us. We are capable.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Doing what I always do, ponder.

When in a relationship there are certain things that one does that annoys the other person. But what if what makes a person who they are is what annoys the partner?
Do you try to suppress it? Do you try to minimize it when he/she is around? Should you suppress who you are?
I believe that in all relationships there are pushes and pulls and in order for things to work, one must be cognizant and make an effort. Maybe in right. Maybe I'm wrong. But if you love a person you can't just not make an effort. I'm not saying to change oneself but at least try. 
With that try there is a lot of debate. That's why I'm here. There is a lot of introspection. 

Last night I tidied up. I didn't clean up. I tidied up. I didn't get to tidy everything. I was very tired but it helped me inner peace. 
I took a shower to wash away the day and then slept on the couch. 

In the late night, sometime after 1, DS woke up and asked to cuddle. I walked him to bed just as DH returned from walking the dog. I greeted him and then went into the bedroom.

In the morning, I woke up and crept out of the room to give me 5-10 minutes to tidy the kitchen. I hadn't had a chance to tidy the kitchen before Mr. Sandman beckoned.

I started preparing lunch for S and washing dishes. I woke up DD at 7:15am and DS came out with me and sat patiently in the dining room as I cooked. The kids had their breakfast on the table by 7:30am. DD ate at 7:40am. Hair was done, lunches and bags were packed. Teeth were brushed and DH returned from walking the dog around 8:00am to take her to the bus.

I know it sounds weird I'm focused on time but DH said he wanted the kids eating by 7:40 in order to catch the bus.
I washed and dried all the dishes from breakfast and then started prepping for work. 

Everything is very casual and in my opinion running fine. No franticness or loud noises and minimal whining. (With a 3 year old there is a degree of whining that has become normal.) In fact, when DH woke up around 7:40, he even kissed me good morning and thanked me for tidying up.

DH came back and took a shower. 
I got dressed.
I got DS dressed as DH said they planned to head to the local shops in the morning to buy parts to set up our air conditioners and fix our television (possible faulty HDMI cable).

I did not prepare breakfast for DH or myself. I chose not to because of time plus, in all honesty, now that meal times have been divided into kid meal time and us eating on the go, it's been hard to really get the energy to make a second meal essentially. I know it's one thing I'd like to change. I'd like to implement a one day a week mommy daddy dinner. Kids can eat on their play table and the rule is they cannot bother us for our entire meal. If anyone has done this and has been successful, let me know.

Anyway, I think things started going south at this point. DH asked me if I had time to wait for him to put the laundry in the dryer. I said sure. He said no, go. He then told DS that they were going to the shops. Then he went into the kitchen and started surfing on his computer.
DS packed his backpack for his excursion to the shops and put on his shoes. He was sitting at the bench by the front door waiting patiently. 
DH walked by to grab an egg and saw him and told DS that he should take his shoes off, Daddy wants to make breakfast for himself first.
DS being 3 said no and that he was ready to go. He began to protest and whine. 
I tried to calm DS and took his shoes off and asked him to read a book or even play with his iPad.
DH said he'd forget breakfast. I suggested he try to make breakfast while I calm DS down.

DS sat patiently on the black bench playing with his iPad.
I was scuttling around tidying things up. I made our bed (3 protective covers and the fitted sheet. Phew.).
I picked up wet towels and hung them in the bathroom.
Then I heard a text message on my phone. I sat down next to DS to reply and DH walked by to see me seated there and he seemed upset and said he would make breakfast after the shops.
He said that he didn't want me waiting for him. I told him I wasn't it. I was just responding to a text and about to put my shoes on, hence why I was sitting by the door.
He dropped what he was doing and he took off with DS. At the door, he asked if I was coming. Honestly, I wanted to leave at my pace as I felt his pace was very frenetic. I said I would head out soon and not to wait up for me. He looked confused. "You have to go to work", he said. "I know. I wanted to reply to the text and then take the garbage and recyclables down." "You don't have to." "I know but since I'm heading out, I like to take the trash out too."
He doubles back in and mumbles he forgotten he had to go to the laundry room anyway and he picks up the garbage and recyclables.
I grab my shoes and bag as it seems that he wants me to just leave.
As I search for my keys to lock the door, he says not to lock the door he forgot something.
I go out to the elevator and pick up the recyclable and trash and bring them into the elevator our son has been patiently holding open for us.
"We should wait for Daddy, Mommy." said my son. "Yes, very galant, DS." I replied.

As we headed down to the basement, DH was confused why I wouldn't just head to work. "I'm heading down there anyway. Why don't I do the garbage and recyclables." "It's ok. You can do the laundry and I'll take care of this."
In my mind, if I can help with the recyclables, garbage and donations (books and things I wanted to put in the shared library), he can focus on the laundry, finish that quickly and then go out to the shops and head home for breakfast sooner.
I finished the recyclables, garbage and donations, washed my hands and said goodbye and lingered. DH looked at me as he was putting money in the dryer and said, "Ok, goodbye." And that was that. No kiss. no hug. 

I left and went to work. 

So why write this down? Because one it hurts. Two, what did I do? Did something that is inate in me set him off? What could I have done differently? Would it have changed the outcome?


He didn't kiss me goodbye again today. 

Monday, May 11, 2015


Afraid what will happen tonight. 
I'm optimistic that I will be able to sit with him and just be.

On Sunday, Mother's Day I felt like he didn't want to hold my hand or be close to me. I grabbed him arm and leaned close to him but he seem to walk away and didn't offer to hold me in any way. 

This is either the end or the beginning. 

I'm afraid to go home because I'm optimistic and don't want my balloon to deflate. 

I'm not naive. I know we need will need to work if we want to continue. The question is are we both willing. 

I'm still afraid to talk freely or ask things. It will take time but I also don't think I'm commenting like he thinks I'm commenting. 

Is he displacing on me? Am I truly giving miscommunication? 

All I can do is pray and smile. 

Everyone asleep. 
I contemplate helping clean up and prepping for tomorrow. 

Instinctively I started to do it but then I stopped. 

What if the problem is I do all this?

I drop my bag off and toss some collected trash in the bin again automatically. 

I sit for a moment in the humid living room in the dark and question what if me backing off on things the past few months, not keeping the fridge and pantry stocked, not monitoring toiletries and other household supplies, a cause of the strife? Are we better off if I do these small things to keep the machine running?

I used to think it wasn't about equality or fairness. I had a thought it was about tolerance. Thresholds are different for all. Perhaps the person with the lowest threshold is the responsibility party. It only goes south of the opposite person realizes this and becomes complacent. 

Am I deluding myself? Is just doing these things to make my loved ones lives easier better for any of us? Is it a way to suppress or prevent strife? Is it a way to deflect? 

I don't know the answer but I've made up my mind that for today, I will clean up as much as I can. 

If I can't sit and be with my spouse, I'll try to make our home a tad more tidy and organized. 
Not sure if that's the right answer or not but for tonight its what I will do. 


I feel empty, a shell of a person that used to be. I feel hollow. 
I miss my best friend. 
Did he change or did I change?
Are our values that different?
Were we never on the same page?
He says its me. He says its something I have created and need to fix. 
Is it me? Is it anyone?
Did I cause this? Is it my fault?
Am I trying to hard?

Will the wall break down or is another layer cemented as time goes on?

Where do you begin when there is no safe space. 

Where do you go when you're losing your best friend?

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

Assumptions and Entitlement

Woke up with DS at 5am
Woke up DD at 7am.
DH no where to be found. 
Made lunch for DD.
DH comes home with supplies for breakfast. Without saying anything we have an unsaid said he's making breakfast while I'm making and packing DD' lunch. 
Did her hair and helped her get dressed for Carnegie Hall. 
Got DS dressed. 
Packed for day out with DS.
Was about to take DS and DD to bus stop. DH said I'd never make it and decided the solution was for him to get dressed and take DD to bus. 
Felt a non pressure situation into a pressure situation and a tense start to the morning for everyone. 
DS and I left 3 minutes later. 
Spent day with DD at school and Central Park. 
Came home to pick up DD at bus stop.
Reminded DH about gym class. "I forgot."
Went home with kids with a migraine. 
Packed bags and took DD to viola. 
Came home. 
Helped DD bathe (hay fever season). 
Texted whether I should cook. 
Took a shower. 
Helped DD with homework.
DH comes home while I'm helping DD.  Says ordering because he doesn't want to do dishes. (Dishwasher broken)
Start bath for DS and bathe DS while helping DD with homework. Juggling.
DH does not offer any support. He's laying on the floor and surfing the web. He ignores DS's calls and doesn't seem to be planning food or ordering food. His conversation about food makes it sound like something I should be handling. All of this makes me feel as if he expects me to do it all.
Remembered not to be a martyr and asked DH to order dinner. Made the mistake of asking him for a favor. It's not a favor. 
As I'm juggling bath and homework DH says he will bike to BBQ. 
He leaves. 
I get DS out of the tub and dress him. 
DD finishes her homework. We pack our backpack. 
DD and DS play while I clean and prepare the dining room table. 
DH comes home at 7:15pm
I serve the food. Again feel like this is an expectation of me not him. 
Kids eat while DH walks the dog. 
DH returns and says he will go work on storage. 
Kids and I eat together. 
We clear the table together and DS and I go to bed while DD stays up a bit. It's not past 8.  DH still in storage. 
DD wakes me up to ask me to rub her back. Tell her I'm not feeling well and she asks does that mean I'll rub her back in 30 minutes. Tell her to go to bed and let me rest so I am stronger. Crap, is she turning into her dad?

I've been coughing and hacking up phlegm all day. My migraine is still with me. Think I have hay fever and a cold. My immune system is low.

Why do I feel as if I DH believes it is my responsibility to do certain things?  Like some weird female/male role thing?

Many times he says,"the kids don't want me. They want you." Yes kids can be like that but I'd like to think someone who is compassionate may see when a person is juggling and that the needs of everyone around her are wearing her thin and she could use some help. 

I feel as if there is no compassion or empathy. Perhaps it is my doing. All these years of juggling and now it's an assumption.