Thursday, March 31, 2011

Little Big Kid

Yesterday my daughter informed me she was heading to the bathroom to potty. This is not different than any other day since she's been potty-ing but today was a tad different.
Today she bee-lined to one of her many bookshelves grabbed a book and made her way to the bathroom to do her business and apparently read.
I stood there and watched her walk to the bathroom with her book in her hand and chuckled in disbelief.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Jerry Mouse is right. Stop worrying.

I've been struggling with keeping it a secret. It's not so much like last time. Last time, I wanted to keep it a secret because I wanted to have an awesome announcement at Christmas.
Now, I want to keep a secret because I dread the questions and the fanfare. I know that sounds awful, doesn't it?
I just hate the questions and calls. "How do you feel?" "Are you sure this is the right time?" "Is it a boy or a girl?"
I know I sound so grumpy about it but I really just want to go about my life. I know that's awful.
I think it's also announcing means that this is real and I still don't feel this is real.
I think I'm so worried about practicalities.
Where will we live?
Can we afford this?
How will this change our relationship with our daughter?
Can we manage this?
What are we getting ourselves into?

Also, like a true guilt ridden Catholic woman I'm thinking, "What did I do to my husband and I? We were just getting to the point where we had a little more time for each other."

I can hear my friend's voice right now, "What do you mean, what did you do? You didn't do anything."

I know. I know. Again, this all the worrying and I keep telling myself to let it go. Like my husband said, "We don't want ToF to be a big ball of worry. Relax and enjoy this. It's your time."

I think I have apprehensions because of my postpartum again. I'm totally scared my husband will go off the deep end.
Every now and then he says things.

"I just realized we'll probably go through a dozen eggs in 2.5 days now."
"Just when we got rid of diapers, we are back in. It's a conspiracy."
"I miss you too but unless we sell the kids... Would you be willing to sell the kids?"

I need to stop worrying.

My Superman

I forget that my husband is a human.
I don't mean that he's some animal or something like that.
I mean it's easy for me to forget he is a human being with human limitations.
To me, he's Superman.
He's always been Superman.
There is nothing he can't do.
Kill a bug with a single blow with a newspaper.
Able to climb up the the tallest rungs to get the Christmas gifts I stashed in the upper echelons of our closet.
Able to walk a dog and toddler simultaneously.
Last night, my husband hurt his back and shoulder. To be more precise, he hurt both sometime last week but like a dog, did not display or complain about it until it was beyond a normal human's pain threshold.
Meanwhile, unbeknowst to me, I had him carrying our daughter with me ala pig on a stick style tossing her onto the bed, taking out an outrageous sum of recycling I was hoarding for some reason and walking 18 blocks with the dog to pick up pizza.
I felt awful.
The kicker...
While talking about push gifts and he mentioned how I didn't like my gift. Don't get me wrong, it was a wonderful gift. It was too wonderful. He got me a spa certificate that practically could have paid our mortgage payment for the month. I felt awful receiving it not because it wasn't something I would have enjoyed but because I was postpartum, didn't want anyone to touch me anymore than I was already and I was panicking about how much he actually spent on this gift. I am not a person that wants fancy expensive things. It's not that I don't think I deserve these things. I just think that I have what I need and that money could towards something more logical or practical.
I know this is all going back to my childhood and I know that he was really really just showing me how much he loves me but I so did not want it and I responded badly at the time.
Well, the kicker with all this was he asked me, "What would you have wanted?"
My response, "At the time, I just wanted to feel like I wasn't alone and that I didn't have to do everything."
There was silence.
I know! I'm an idiot. I mean, here is this man who is suffering from back pain and shoulder pain for a week and only told me that day and I have the gallstones to tell him that during the first few months of my postpartum, I felt alone.
I mean, this man takes care of our child. He takes care of our puppy. He keeps the house in fairly clean condition and even has time to educate our kid and help her learn the basics, (like toots are funny and poops are smelly). He is continuing his education and he takes care of me.
He is my Superman and instead of being grateful I tell him how alone I felt during my postpartum.
I'm not discrediting my feelings. I still feel the same about the time period. It was a hard time for me. Even with the preparations and my pleas of assistance, I still did the majority of cooking and caring. During that time period, he also was out for long periods of time for his job. I understood but it also was very lonely. On a good note, I think it helped with my bond with my daughter.
I spent the night rubbing his back and shoulder along with tending to our kid thinking about how I don't show my husband enough how much I love him.
Part of my lenten sacrifice is to be more grateful and here I am forgetting to be grateful for the man I cannot picture my life without.
I'm such an idiot.
Today, I wrote a note and left it under the frying pan on the counter top for him.
I hope today isn't just a fluke and I remember to show him my love and appreciation a little more.
We used to leave love notes to each other all the time.
Maybe I should start this up again.

Sunday, March 27, 2011


I have a confession to make.
I'm a bit ashamed but if I don't admit it, I can't move on from it.
This pregnancy, I feel as if I'm not giving as much attention to ToF as I did with TG.
I know that this is common as I'm juggling alot with a toddler but I feel just plain awful about it.
I feel even more awful about it as I'm at the point in my pregnancy where I'm still not telling anyone but I don't fit into any clothes and I'm still trying to hide it.
Unlike last time where I didn't feel this way, I currently feel fat. I feel like a giant pear and I hate feeling this way not because I'm vain but because with TG, I didn't feel fat. I felt empowered and womanly.
Now, I'm just thinking vainly.
I just cleaned my closet out for the spring and was finally looking forward to wearing sheath dresses that I had not worn since my first pregnancy. Between pumping and what not, heels and pretty tight fitting dresses didn't seem to be practical. I was just hitting a point where I felt like my body was returning to me. Nursing is not constant. I wasn't pumping. My hips felt good. I was ready to show some skin.
Last night, I spent the evening cleaning my closet and packing away the sheath dresses and pulling out some in between clothes I could wear.
I don't want my child to ever think I felt fat or anything negative like that because of him/her but I need to admit it because it's ok to feel the way one feels. Isn't that what I tell my daughter? We just need to realize when what we feel is hurting us or hurting someone else.
On a good note, although I still don't feel pregnant, aside from the occasional nausea and tight fitting clothes Can someone say denial?, I'm fairly happy.
I keep thanking the Lord for our blessings and I pray for the strength to realize worrying will not help. I must trust in the Lord and open my heart and mind.
Oh, and open my maternity wardrobe. I had some super cute outfits and I can look forward to wearing them again.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Happiness in utero

It's probably too early but I think ToF is into music too. Any music and my tummy gets a warm feeling inside. DH thinks it's gas but I instantly feel happier.
It's the same happy I feel when at 5am I have my early morning breakfast. For the last three mornings, I've woken with incredible hunger. I ate half a whole wheat baguette the first night.
Oh, you may notice ToF. Yes, we've a nickname for our little growing being. It's an inside little nod and for short she/he is called ToF. What do you think?
Going back to happy feelings. I know it's stiill early but I believe each child has their own happiness buttons even at an early stage. I remember the Beatles made my daughter happy in utero. She also loved cold cow milk and tomatoes.
I get a happy feeling now when I eat something yummy and when music plays. It's not the happy feeling I get normally for myself when something makes me happy. It's different.
DH and science may disagree but I think my kid's personality is growing even now.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Olive oil can't stop this itching.

My face is itchy.  I can't take it.  It's like little things are crawling under my chin.
I know it's a symptom of this pregnancy.  It feels dry but at the same time, I'm breaking out on my t-zone.  Argh.  The joys of fascinations of pregnancy. 
I recall last time, I didn't grow hair for over 2 years.  That rocked more than not having my period for 2 years.

Everyone parents differently.

So my MIL bought our daughter a tutu and some frilly clothes.  Don't get me wrong, if a child asks for these things, I have nothing against getting them for them.  I have an issue of folks buying these things before a child asks or coaxing a child into them.
"It's so cute and adorable.  Why won't you let me get her the Uggs or other frilly stuff?"
DH: Why don't you get a pair of 'juicy' sweatpants and some baby heels while you are at it.  She has plenty of time for that.  Let her be a kid.  If she wants it, she'll ask for it.
My daughter will be inundated with physical pressures soon enough.  Heck, I was researching shows and flipped to Nick the other day and they had Cover Girl make up commercials on Nick! 
I don't want to start this now if she's not asking for it.  My kid loves sneakers not patent leather dress shoes.  She loves to climb up ladders and climb rocks.  She loves to wear necklaces but nothing too big and bulky.  She likes to cook and likes to play with trains.  She loves her dump truck and calls herself 'David' sometimes.  She doesn't like skirts but will wear a sweater dress over pants and shirt.
I'm totally cool with this. 
DH said to his mother that it was a nice gesture but she hasn't asked for one and we'd like to refrain from it.  She got upset and she's now mailing it to me.  
My MIL reemphasized again how the tutu was because our daughter loves to dance and girls wear tutus when they dance.
Ok, first of all, every 2 year old loves to dance. 
Our 2 year old loves to pratfall dance ala Make 'Em Laugh. 
She actually asked me for a hat and cane.  BTW, does anyone know where I can find a toddler sized hat and cane?
My kid has seen ballet.  My kid has seen modern dance.  My kid has seen tap dancing.  My kids favorite dance is jumping up and down and spinning.
I dont' know if she thinks DH is the one against it.  She should know how I am.
She texted me, "If you don't like it you can hand it down to someone."
I asked her nicely not to buy items with brand names blazoned on the front for our child.  We told her we're not keen on all the branding of children.  My kid doesn't need 'Baby Phat' on her chest.  We know when school starts she'll be surrounded by friends asking for Dora's and Diego's and whatever else there is out there.  She knows Thomas and she knows Kai-lan but she doesn't prefer either.  Ok, she does like Thomas but she's not obsessed.  We're just happy she isn't into Kai-lan.  Her friends have some serious trait issues.
We ask folks not to label her a 'good girl' or a 'big girl' and for the most part most people don't.  I actually think when folks occasionally do now (generally older generation folks), my daughter glosses over it or sometimes looks at them with this puzzled look regarding those phrases.
It's hard to tell folks, especially grandparents your views and it's equally hard for them to accept them.  So I try my best to kind of push them aside and remind myself to be more kind than anything.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Why can't my kid name the US presidents? She's two.

My daughter has some great playmates and I generally am not the type to compare. I grew up in a Chinese family and I'm fairly certain that comparing children was a national pastime. Because of such, I have always made it a point to note that every child is different.
Now, I'm still human though and there is one kid in particular who leaves me feeling as if I somehow could do more for my kid. He's three month younger than my daughter and I know that means less and less as we get older. He may be younger but on a school skill set level, he's slightly older. The kid can read numbers in the hundreds. According to his mom, he can read at a 5 year old level.
I try to remind myself that each kid is different and my daughter's imagination and creativity is what sets her apart. She shouldn't expect her to know the hundreds at this stage. I shouldn't expect her to to be at whatever reading level she's at. Actually, she's more into telling me stories based on what she remembers about a certain book with a splash and dash of her daily memories. It's actual, kind of cute and I love to see her imagination and memory at work.
I laugh at it and know it's silly of me. What irks me most is not whether he can spot the quadratic equation out and my daughter can't but that I leave with a little comparing in my head. I hate that. I hated it when my relatives did it. I swore not to do it. I'm fairly certain I will never ever talk like that in front of my child that way but it's in my freaking head. It's just the idea that I would even allow myself, no matter how illogical it is, to wonder, "Why isn't my kid like that?"
Case in point…
Today while playing with trains at his place, my daughter exclaimed that he has a model 'A' subway train.
PG: That's right. Did we take an 'A' train today?
TG: No. We took a 'B'.
PG: No. We took two trains today. Which trains did we take today?
TG: Long silence. We took a 'B'.
TG's friend: Today, I took an 'A' train and a 'C' train to the art museum.
PG: Ignoring me and playing with the trains.
Ok kid. I get it. Trains are more important than answering my trivial questions.
Later on…
TG's friend: TG, come to my bedroom?
TG: Looks at friend for a bit as if deciding. No. returns to playing with trains.
TG's friend: TG, do you understand?
TG: looks at her friend again with eyes that say, 'Yes I understand. Do you not understand 'No'?' Does not respond and returns to playing with trains.
That last scenario is scary because, that expression is my husband's face to the dimpling of the eyebrow and the gesture of returning to play without answering is so me.
Maybe it's not that I'm irked by me internally comparing even a smidge but more the fact that the things that irk me about me occasionally pop out in TG.
Argh. As if motherhood doesn't have enough guilt sprinkled in.

Thursday, March 10, 2011


Today TG took her baby doll and pushed her around the house in her shopping cart. Then at one point she grabbed her Jay Raffe and said it was time for naptime for baby.
She brought the baby to bed, turned the lights off, tucked her in, read her a story and closed the door a smidge and said that we should be quiet.
Holy cow, isn't that what I do?

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Ashes to Ashes

Today DH brought TG to mass to receive ashes.
As they lined up to receive ashes, TG placed a hand on her forehead to block the ashes. Apparently the parishioners and the priest, Fr. Enrique, chuckled.
Later during communion, she reached the front and saw Father and immediately placed two hands on her forward. More chuckles.

The fabulous life...

While responding to an email on my phone, I hear my daughter fall and proceed to cry. She never cries like this unless she's really hurt or startled.
I run over to see that she slipped on a puppy pee accident and was now covered in dog pee.

Telling the Family

Before I even got home DH was texting me.
"What did the doctor say?"
I recalled how apparently my texting him the photo of the sonogram was a bad move last time. I thought it would give him some time to absorb everything before meeting me. I had heard millions of stories of guys initial reactions throwing a woman off.
Well, his initial reaction that time was to announce to his office our pregnancy and then going home.
So there I was driving home trying to figure out a way to tell him wondering if his reaction would upset me. I think I'm more scared of telling him than anyone else.
"Well, after last time, I can understand the apprehension." said my girlfriend.
I got home and DH asked immediately, "What did the doctor say?"
I tucked my head in the refrigerator as I tried to figure out how to tell him. I can't not tell him. I mean, it would be nice but hiding that sort of thing probably would be hard. I figured again, the logical is to just tell him. I close the refrigerator door and tell him.
He smiles and says, "I knew it. Congratulations, honey." We hugged and he said, "Well this is going to be fun."
The next hours was me just waiting and waiting for the break. Finally he said, "Why aren't you smiling? Did I react badly? What's the matter?"
All the anxiety came out and he said he was anxious too but that it would be fine.
"It's not like we didn't want to have more children. We knew we'd want more."
The rest of the day was us cracking inside jokes and my husband swearing the sonogram was larger than TG's at that age.
We went through some of the earlier sonograms and TG proceeded to fold and crinkle her siblings sonogram. We chuckled and like last time, I tucked the sonogram away for safe keeping.
During dinner I mentioned to TG that a baby may be coming and that its growing in my belly.
TG: In your belly button?
PG: Yes.
TG: I want to see.
PG: Well the baby is inside and growing. Soon it will come out.
TG: Baby crawls first then walks up stairs.
PG: Yes, a baby learns to crawl before the baby can walk.
TG: Baby eat french fries?
PG: No babies don't eat french fries but you can show him/her french fries later.
TG: I give baby squashy stars and yogurt.
PG: Yes, later on you can introduce the baby to your favorites squashy stars and yogurt.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Houston, we have confirmation.

I must have been in that exam room, naked from the bottom down, for what seemed like 15 minutes.  It was ridiculously long.
During that time everything floating in my head.  None of the floaties was that I wasn't pregnant.
I was pregnant and something was wrong.  Logically, pg, how could they tell that with a urine test?
I was pregnant but farther along that I suspected.  Again, really from a litmus stick?
Then the musak from the speakers in my doctor's office crackled and out came Bruno Mars' Just the Way You Are'.  I know it's a cheesy song but that song always makes me smile.  And I smiled. 
I knew it would be alright.  Then I remember my husband hearing Lionel Richie's 'You are the Sun' on those same speakers as our daughter hid her gender from us.  He later wrote on a piece of paper who he thought was growing in my belly and he was right.  I wonder...
"Congratulations!  You were right, you're pregnant!"
I smiled and went through the motions but all I could think of was, "How am I going to break this to my husband?"
Yes, he has to know that I could be pregnant.  It's not like we weren't trying but we really weren't expecting it now.  Is this the right time?  How are we going to handle this financially?
DH just gave me an anniversary card that said, "Thanks for letting me work towards being somebody."  Now I'm telling him well, be somebody soon because well another kids on the way.
I still didn't feel the same as I did the first time around.  I don't know if the apprehensions kicked in sooner or what.
How would this effect my daughter?  Is our relationship going to change?  How is this going to effect my husband and what he wants to do in life?
I have so many unanswered questions.
I received my first sonogram and by golly that heartbeat was the strongest heartbeat I heard.  I mean, I don't even recall my daughter's heartbeat at this age being so strong.  By golly, for a brief moment my brain stopped worrying and running a mile a minute and the world consisted of that fast strong beating heart and my heart grew.
That's when I realized God is reminding me to have no anxiety and have faith in him. "Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." -- Philippians 4:4-7
The Lord is near. Holy moly, he's in me growing a beautiful being that's heart and soul is God. I'm a mom. I will always worry. I'm a wife. I'll worry. But I am not alone.

Monday, March 07, 2011

Buckle up for another roller coaster

So much is going on.  My head is spinning.
I don't know how to feel or what.  I know my mind would be a little more at ease once I find out for sure but I'm not there yet.  It's a logical conclusion but I'm still at the emotional side of things.
I never thought I'd feel this way. I mean, it was different before.  I felt different.  I don't think it was as emotional as it is for me now.  I don't want to sound negative.  I just have so many apprehensions.  I know it will be fine and God will guide me.  I remind myself all day to have no anxiety and trust in the Lord.  I wish as a human, this was easier to do.
I vented today and let it out and of course like a good friend would do, she reminded me to think logically.
I couldn't concentrate all morning so I ran to the store.  Like a scene from a bad sitcom, I beelined to the toilet in my office.  I chose a quiet out of the way restroom.  I didn't have to wait long.  The line was blue as blue can be but I kept repeating, "Well, it's faint blue."
My girlfriend wanted to slap me with a fish.  What am I?  In my 20's freaking out over a blue line?
Now I just need to find out for sure.  Damnit.  Why do I have to be a girl and be so emotional?