Sunday, November 18, 2012

I'm tired. "Can't you see she's pooped!?" -- Mel Brooks, I'm Tired

I've kind of given up and that's not where a woman, wife, mother and worker bee should be just before the holidays.
I'm tired.
That's the whole truth.
I'm really tired.
In my family I am responsible for guiding our family through our family values and rules.
I'm responsible for ensuring we eat nutritious and healthy brain fueling food.
I'm responsible for trying to follow our routines that include appropriate bedtimes and naptimes.
I'm responsible for remembering social calendars and professional events.
I'm responsible for knowing where glasses, wallets, keys etc are for the family.
I'm responsible for keeping the master supply list and remembering to pick up our weekly staples.
I'm responsible for remembering where important documents are even if they've been removed from our filing system.
I'm just so tired and want a break.
Why do I need to know all this stuff?
Why am I the one responsible to remember everyone's schedule?
I know. I know. I'm the mom. It's the job description.
It's just, it's getting really hard to keep this up.
I have a laundry list of to dos when the kids are asleep. I don't most of these things so I can attend to the children's needs.
When they are finally asleep I try to work on them and many times I get guff for it. Why don't you rest? You've been battling a cold for two weeks now. (Yes, I know my immune system is low.)
Why don't you this?
Why don't you that?
Well, because spending time with my children, quality time, not time on the phone, computer or what not is important to me. It's finite time. Making the shopping list can happen when they are asleep or when I'm showering or on the loo.
But now I'm at a point where the Christmas season is going into high gear and I'm done already.
I need to make a Christmas list for presents.
I need to make a Christmas list of ideas for not only the kids but my husband because his family always asks me what he needs/wants.
I need to purchase Christmas presents for my kids from my in-laws because gosh darnit, using and purchasing from the wishlist is too high tech.
I need to make a Christmas list for my husband because gosh darnit, he has no clue what to get me.
I need to make a list of all the Christmas bonuses and tips we give to our building staff and support.
I need to make a list of Christmas todos and purchase tickets for our annual traditions.
I need to make the Christmas cards.
I need to make the Christmas sweets.
I need to plan the Christmas breakfast and dinner menus.
I need to figure out how to stash all the Christmas presents and when I'm going to be able to wrap them.
I know. I know. First World Problems.
Truly, I am thankful and blessed and know others would die to have these problems.
Like I said, I'm just tired.
Right now, my kids are at the playground while I'm planning the Thanksgiving timeline and taking some ibuprofen. My son has bit me again and my nipples are throbbing.
Add to the stress that I suppose, I'd want, I have the stress of trying to find time to pump my already sore breasts so he has milk while I'm in the office.

Again, I'm not asking for these minute stresses to go away. I am very blessed.
I'm just tired.
Since Hurricane Sandy, the days have quickly passed. I have had little to no rest. Last week alone I had to commute 6 hours total to Washington DC for a meeting. That night, I rushed home to attend a meeting on the budget for our local parks and playground. Every other night is a meeting for our community boards. Every week there is at least one school tour I need to attend. Every other week there is an admission interview my daughter attends. Every day, I'm trying to squeeze in quality time and enrichment time with her while trying to make this whole kindergarten process fun and easy going for her. I don't want her to feel my stress.

And then there are the late nights in the office. It got to the point a two weeks ago my daughter during our afterschool cell phone conversation asked her dad to drive to my office and pick me up. I told her I had to stay longer to work and she said she'd wait in the car downstairs for me. (Kids really know how to guilt you, even at the age of 4.)

I now this is fleeting and I'm going to look back and smile at these moments and forget some of the emotional and physical stresses but for now, I just need to shut down and that's what is scaring me.
I can't shut down the eve of Christmas season.
I can't.