Thursday, August 27, 2015

In all things, I am blank, so very blank.

I’ve spent the today and most of yesterday in a haze.
I don’t know how to get out of it. 
I feel like a doll with vacant eyes.
I know it shows.
I don’t try to pretend.

Will I be like this forever?
Can I try to pretend in front of my children?

I don’t have a solution.
I don’t even want to think of a solution.
I just want to be.
I don’t want to think.
I don’t want to try.

I just want to be.

and this scares me.


My passion……… where are you?

I wish

I wish he still wrote me love letters.
I wish to feel the safeness of being intertwined.

I have a hole.
It’s this emptiness feeling that doesn’t go away with food.
It’s a sadness that just lingers and it’s a sadness that probably could be relieved with connectedness. 

Is it possible to love but forget how to love?
I want to be loved.
I want to be madly, deeply loved.

I want to be told, I’m beautiful.
I’m desired.
I’m unique.

When I’m thought of, their heart grows ten times and a smile creeps on that is more powerful than any potion or elixir.

I don’t want to be jaded.
I don’t want to be the afterthought.
I don’t want to be expected.


I want to a be a person’s smile. 

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

No ifs. No favors.

Stop asking "if you can do me a favor." You are not asking for a favor. It's not like it's your responsibility and you are asking for a favor. You tell and you say, I need you to. 
There is not option. There is no you choose to or not. You just do.
Be strong. 
You are better than this. 
You deserve this. 

Tricks

You ever getting into an argument with someone and they turn it into a psychological analysis of your person?

I'm in a point where it seems everything I feel is turned on me and what I feel is expressed back at me as how I make a person feel. 

Isn't that infuriating? When what you are trying to express to another comes back as what you make them feel but more succinctly or more insistently. 

What do you say to that?
Are you pissed they said it before you did?
Are you pissed that they feel the way you do when you feel the same?

Do you decide to suppress the hurt and anger of having the tables turned and decide to wall off?

Do you say to yourself, is he doing this on purpose?
Is he aware his tactics which he accuses you of?

Do you wall off and say he is who he is and need to accept him for who he is?

Do you take the unsolicited solutions and advice and nod and wall away?

Do you scream, hey! I didn't want your advice. Blockhead, I want you to just shut up and nod and let me be who I am for ten minutes. 

Why do I have to suppress who I am because it causes agita in others but others can freely be who they are?

No regrets. How can I live a life of no regrets but suppress who I am next to the person I am supposed to be closest to?

There is always push and pull in a relationship but what do you do when you feel like that's not the case?

Yes I'm non-confrontational. And maybe that's the problem. When you are with someone confrontational you then become the subservient  and you either accept your role or you don't. 


Lava

Just deal with it. 

What if I don't want to just deal with it?
What if I want someone to talk to?
What if I want someone to not give me answers but hold my hand?
I'm not looking for validation or worth. 
I want someone who believes in me and reminds me how wonderful I am. 

I don't want someone to tell me this is they way and you deal with it. 

I want someone to love me and yes I want someone to see my duck feet paddling under the water and know all that kicking is for them and us. 

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Apparently the i in Family is bugging me.

Is it fair? 
Forget about fair or right. 

I know that degrees of tolerance will cause a person to action and or batshit craziness. 

Yesterday I worked from 9am-10:30pm. I came home to a home the an aftermath of a hurricane. I know that's to be expected. But still every time I get disappointed. I am sure it's not intentional but it is as if he knows my tolerance is low and therefore if he leaves it I'll clean it up. 

Sure enough I tried to ignore it but my sleep was restless and hot. 
I woke up ten minutes to the alarm to my son telling me he wet the bed. 

And so began my morning of cleaning. 
I cleaned the bed. 
I sorted the laundry. 
I tidied the kids room and the clubhouse I asked them to clean yesterday which they didn't. I know I'm perpetuating the situation. 
I moved to the bathroom and did everything short of scrubbing the toilet. 
I tidied the living room, dining room, kitchen and hallway. 
I swept the floor. 
I made breakfast. 
I took a shower before the hot water was shut off for boiler maintenance. 

Here's the kicker. He hasn't said a word. He hasn't said thanks or let me do it. 
I left the vacuum and steamer in the middle of the entranceway as a passive aggressive message of PUT THE DAMN APPLIANCES AWAY AFTER YOU USE THEM. 
I put up the back to school chore and responsibility list for the kids up and told them they need to follow the rules. I don't know how far I'll get this week as I'm not home and Dad feels he need not enforce rules. 

Heck I feel like because he helped her with her homework like I asked yesterday he feels he doesn't need to do more. 

I get it he has stuff to do but so do I.  

What really burns me is how he doesn't enforce the kids responsibilities. They need to set the table. They need to clear the table. Basic stuff. 

WTF?! Does he think kids will just do this shit? You have to teach responsibility and ownership and working together. 

I will tell my children that a spouse who is unwilling to chip in shows you their true self. One who is not for the family but for himself or herself. Family is teamwork and collaboration and thinking of others not only ourselves. 

Monday, May 25, 2015

Unsolicited Advice

When you start something with, I don't mean to criticize, you can pretty much guess, you mean to criticize.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Faith

I was looking for someone opposite me. To have the traits I so wished I had. To be self confident. To be self assured. To be less anxiety prone. 

What I need is someone who will complement me. Someone who will be my earth when I'm the air or water. Someone who will be my wind when my fire burns with passion yet be my water to quench my thirst when my fire burns too wildly. 

I need someone who can be my pillar. 

I need someone who realizes two pillars United and strong hold the foundation for the generation before us. We have a duty and with pride I take my calling. 

With prayer I take my other calling. 
God made me as I am to do his will. 
God placed me here to help others come closer to him. 
God placed me here to help me come closer to him. 

I need to be mindful. I need to be accepting. I need to know there is a plan and there is a reason and it is not for naught. 

Two parallel ships

I don't know how much more supportive I can be. You say I'm not but all I do is to try to be supportive. 
I don't feel the need to announce my doings. What is a cry from you for help is appearing to me to be self interest. 
How will this affect me?
How will this play out in my head? 

Stopping playing it out in your head. Have faith. 
Anxiety and worry are genetic. 


Swimming 2:15pm

When we go away it's usually a much needed event. 

But for this mom going away means that I'm responsible for planning, packing, figuring what to do, cooking, coordinating the day and swimming. 

So in short a getaway but not so much a relaxing one for mom. I will say it's relaxing but in a different way. It's nice to see the kids have fun and enjoy. If it wasn't why would I keep doing it. 

Sadly it feels many times that is all on my shoulders. A lot of times i wish I wasn't the one always handling things. 

Even directions and at times driving are also on my to dos.  Many times. DH says he's tired or he's not in a state to drive. 

At first I wondered if I should be upset about the state he's in but I'm not wondering if it's better for him to be in that state than not. 

He's very angry and grumpy when he's not. He says it's his stomach or something is on his mind. It's as if he doesn't want to be here and sadly the family probably would've happier if he wasn't if he continued in his grumpy mood. 

We want him near us. It's not that we don't want him near us. We just want him to not be the Debbie downer of the group.   

Friday, May 22, 2015

The UnFun One

I know spouses are supposed to scaffold and support but when one feels as if she's scaffolding more than the other it gets tiring. 
I know God gives us talents and we need to use those talents to help others. I know God is asking me to help my loved one. I sometimes feel it is hard though especially when I feel as if because it's known I'll be the rock one feels they can do what I deem very irresponsible things for a grown person and role model. 

I plan. I organize. I maintain. That doesn't mean you don't have to put any effort. Try.  

Just try. 

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Sleep

I'm beat. 

As part of our exploration of our city fun and because he's in love with Christoph Neimann's Subway, we took a ride to 23rd via the 1, 2, 7 and F. 
Boy howdy did DS love it. His only gripe was we didn't take the 3. Think it's a sequential thing. 

We grabbed a brief moment of yoga but he wasn't into the group dynamic and we left early before the crowds dispersed and made our way to the Lego store where he out his engineering skills to work on this beauty. 

We grabbed some lunch and then picked up a frame for DD's school project and made our way home. 

After work, I ran home to make dinner while DH and the kids were at DS' class. I also started DS' bath so it was ready for his return. When he returned DH asked me to run down. I picked up the kids and we started our evening routine. 

By the time I finished setting the dishwasher, I was spent. I lay on the bed for a few minutes before heading to bed with DS.