Sunday, November 17, 2013

Patience with myself

I can't kick myself for not preparing enough. How can I remind myself of this?
It hard to compensate for forgetfulness when it's met with defensiveness. 

It may annoy my spouse but I find myself overcompensating for his forgetfulness. I see his phone I charge it. I see the sole car key available I put it by the door. I see the sole house keys I put them by the door. 

(I'm not even going to go into the audacity of him going through my coat pockets and becoming irate and accusatory about keys he does
not recall we had.)

I could chalk it up to my concern for his increasing absentmindedness but the reality is I'm punishing myself for not compensating more. I know that sounds ridiculous but if I do more than I won't be disappointed when presents are forgotten or letters aren't mailed. 

If I keep reminding myself to only ask for one thing and not two then it's ok. Turn off oven and take out muffins will mean muffins come out but oven stays on all day. Next time just ask to take muffins out. 

I need to be more patient and remember I will need to remind him multiple times within a short time frame. It's just the way things are. I have to realize this is he best course.

Be quiet. Be patient. Repeat. Unitasks only. Don't get angry at yourself for the lack of preparedness in front of him. He will think you are angry with him. 

Sunday, September 01, 2013

Giant Sized Butterflies

My first real week before school and I"m excited, nervous and genuinely positive and enthusiastic.
Big things are coming our way. My kids' future is bright!
I suppose this is wear the OCD is a good thing (and a bad) but more good.
I want my child to be able to take advantage of what she has and I, Ms. KeepsToSelf, have tried to throw myself out there and introduce myself to other moms and dads and school administration.
I'm sending out emails to folks and planning playdates and picnics.
I think I'm this way (and I knew I'd be) because I want my children to know I am an active participant in their education. I do not believe that a building and its teachers are the only folks that provide education to my child.
I once told my child, "You will always learn something from everyone person you meet, whether you know it or not."
It's the community at large and the idea that we as a group can make this world a better place and make each other stronger and wiser that I want to instill in my child.

Thursday, August 08, 2013

Loss, Life, Love

Today I lost a person that wasn't close to me but was a part of my life.
He was a colleague and although we weren't besties, we spent a good portion of our worklife working together.
His work and life touched so many folks.
He brought forth life and yet his life was taken from us at such a young age.
I know God has his reasons and I dare not guess what they may be.
I pray for his family and his young children.
I pray for his parents.
I pray for his brother.
I pray for all those that he touched.

I recently told my child, "Whether you know it or not, you will learn something from every person you meet." She glossed over this like most children, knowing yet not knowing. Mom's trying to school me again was the attitude. One day I hope she understands.

We are all connected in some shape or form. God placed us here and all we can do is use the talents he has blessed us with to help one another.

The world is a wonderful place but a also a cruel place. Folks need stop hurting each other. The pain this world has right now feels so high. The anger simmering. There needs to be understanding.
There needs to be compassion.
Our children learn from us. We must model what we hope our children will carry on.

"Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you."

Friday, July 26, 2013

Inequality

There is a pet peeve I have. I don't like to go to bed with the kitchen a mess. I prefer to have the sink clean before I go to bed.

When I cook, which is 80% of the time, this is done.

When my husband cooks, he says he'll do it in the morning but he never does.

He bought us a dishwasher saying, "You do a better job cooking. I'll clean up."
This does not happen.

What he doesn't understand is how a dirty kitchen in the am starts the day chaotically.
Instead of tackling breakfast, I need to tackle a dirty kitchen.

For me, if I can prepare the things I can before, it lends to a smoother execution. 
I pack bags before.
I make shopping lists.
I schedule my to dos.

Yes, there are spitballs that are thrown.
A dog pukes.
A kid poops.
But if all the other things are prepared as much as possible, I'm not scrambling.

My husband does not see it this way.
For him, why worry about these things. Just do it when you have to.
This lends to his chaotic and frenetic and often tardy execution.

He can't stand watching me prepare.
I can't stand his lack of preparation.

Most days, I suck it up and do it. God put us together to balance each other. 
Some days like today, I call a time out.

I just threw a bowl of cold cereal and milk to my kid.
I'm not making breakfast because the kitchen is a mess.
I'm not planning to clean it…….now.
I wanted to make breakfast, lunches and snacks and pack them for an outing with the kids.
Guess, I'll pack ready snack in the fridge and call it.

We have a tight budget  and we don't generally enjoy the prepackaged foods. I hate to resort to restaurants today but I just can't today.

Now, what do I mean I'm not planning to clean it ……. now?

Well, you see, my husband I guarantee you will not clean the kitchen.
I will come home and it will be same or in worse condition.

I will come home with two tired and hungry kids and need to make dinner for us and will need to clean it up.

But, pg, just leave it. Eventually he will have to clean it up.

Now, that's where it becomes a degree of acceptance situation.
Wandy Sykes had a set about this.
The person cleaning up the crap is the person with the least degree of tolerance of the situation.

I'm fairly certain, my husband would leave our kitchen looking like crap so long as he could go out to buy paper plates or other utensils.

Case in point: He bought me a stove that is a bitch to do a thorough cleaning on. I asked him nicely to clean it………… in January. It still has not been cleaned. 

I bought thermal darkening shades for the kids room while I was pregnant with #2. I asked him to put them up. #2 is 20 months old. Still no shades.

I asked my husband to change the oven light so the kids can sit and watch the cookies rise when baking. We've watched youtube videos to demonstrate rising.

Now, my brother once said, "Men hate Honey Do Lists."

I retort, but I have not made a list. These were requests randomly made months ago at separate times. What the hell am I to do? Do it myself?

Now, I don't accept my husband response of, "I'm with the kids all day."

He's a great dad but come one.
I'm not here to brag or compare but let's compare.

I do all the cooking (short order sometimes, as I have 2 picky eaters (1 adult, 1 child).
I do all the household shopping.
I do the childrens', household and my own laundry.
I tidy up every day.
I handle nighttime parenting.
I handle all school paperwork, planning, coordinating.
I handle all enrichment class research, registration and sometimes even chauffeuring to.
I handle all party planning, rsvp'g, gift buying.
I handle all vacation planning and coordination.
I handle all doctors' appointment scheduling and maintenance.

"Fine, I can spend time with the kids or keep the house clean."

It's not about keeping the house clean and I hate the cop out answer. It's so guilt ridden.

I don't understand why he can't throw me a bone and do a load of dishes (in the dishwasher) while I'm getting the kids to bed.

I don't understand how when I ask him to read a story to our daughter as I get our son to bed, he gives me gruff.

In short, as soon as I come home, he clocks out. He sits in front of his computer and checks out.

I get it. Being a parent to two kids under six is hard and tiring. I get it.

But I can't punch out. My family needs me. Kids need to be fed. Lunches need to be made for school the next day. Clothes need to be laid out. 


It's unfair.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Let's talk about...

respect.

When someone asks you to help with scheduling an appointment and making sure the appointment is kept but it takes 6 months for that appointment to be scheduled and it's only scheduled because the requester schedules it herself and then the appointment is a disaster leading to the requester having to be told by the executioner to call and schedule another appointment only to be told by the doctor not to schedule the appointment until she says it's ok and then having to schedule the appointment later as advised by the provider and then being the person who takes the person to the appointment, you begin to question the whole, "you don't respect me bit."

Because if I just made the damn appointment and took the kid to the appointment, I wouldn't be dealing with this.

And maybe it's not intentional but this is how it starts.
Now I know that next year, just do it yourself.
That's what happened with other appointments.
That's what happened with afterschool events.

Just do it yourself.

It may not be an intentional, F you, you do it, but may as well be.

So sorry if you think asking you to pick up shit that's next to me is a disrespectful act.

I hate the damn word respect.
I hate the concept of respect because too many people feel entitled to it.

I don't think it's about respect.
I think it's about consideration.

And I'm not saying I do everything.
I'm not saying that I want to do everything.
I'm not flaunting achievements, accomplishments or whatever you want to call it.

I'm just being a parent and doing what I need to do for my family.
So if that means sucking it up and coming home and making dinner and getting bedtime done and cleaning the house at midnight and prepping lunches at 1am and cleaning up the kitchen and doing dishes at 3, I do it. Even it is chagrin's inhabitants because who the hell is going to do it and when?
I don't ask for flowers.
I don't want accolades.

If you want to talk respect, respect that I suck it up and just effin' do it every day without being asked, without being reminded, without fan fare.

I'm a effin' mother and that's what I do and DO NOT MAKE ME FEEL BAD FOR DOING WHAT I NEED TO DO FOR MY FAMILY.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Turn on the crockpot


My personal rant that I need to let out…..


When I say to put turn on the crockpot at 12n, putting it on at 4pm is not going to suffice.
Dinner is at 5:30-6:30p in our house. It takes 4 hours for the food to cook.
Do you see the math?

No what gets my goat is not that you forgot to turn it on at 12noon. It's that you do this numerous times.
I don't understand how you can forget especially as I set it up to be nearly full proof. 
"Honey, after you drop the kidlet off at school, turn on the crackpot. It's packed and ready to be cooked. Just take it out of the refrigerator and press start.

No you might not see it this way but your continuous failure to start the crockpot is an unintentional screw you to me. It's obvious you really don't care that after a long day working outside of the house I have to figure out how to cook a nutritious healthy meal that our kids will enjoy before there bedtimes. I must do this in the limited time I have from when I come home. I must do this on a limited budget. I must do this and juggle two kids who are happy and excited to see me and want me to play rather than cook or clean up or set the table or get the beds ready for bedtime or undress from my work clothes or pee.

I cook every meal. I plan every meal. I do this not because I love to cook. I do this because my kids and my husband need to eat healthy nutritious meals. I don't ask for accolades.
I don't ask for parties or balloons or banners. Just throw me a freaking bone.

I wake up early to make breakfasts, lunches, snacks and dinners for everyone. I wake up early to clean the sink and kitchen because I hate leaving the sink dirty because the sad truth is what I leave in the sink in the morning or and night will be waiting for me 12 hours later.

If I could start my crackpot before I left for work and had you turn it off, I'd be fine but you haven't and I come home 12 hours later to burnt food that you think is serveable so I need you to start it.
Please help me out.

I know as soon as you see me come home, you punch out. Please don't punch out while I'm not. I need you to help me. I need to feel you understand. I know you do a lot but I'm sorry I do more and will always do more. I know that's my lot and that's fine. I'm not complaining. Just please turn on the damn crockpot.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

I'm tired. "Can't you see she's pooped!?" -- Mel Brooks, I'm Tired


I've kind of given up and that's not where a woman, wife, mother and worker bee should be just before the holidays.
I'm tired.
That's the whole truth.
I'm really tired.
In my family I am responsible for guiding our family through our family values and rules.
I'm responsible for ensuring we eat nutritious and healthy brain fueling food.
I'm responsible for trying to follow our routines that include appropriate bedtimes and naptimes.
I'm responsible for remembering social calendars and professional events.
I'm responsible for knowing where glasses, wallets, keys etc are for the family.
I'm responsible for keeping the master supply list and remembering to pick up our weekly staples.
I'm responsible for remembering where important documents are even if they've been removed from our filing system.
I'm just so tired and want a break.
Why do I need to know all this stuff?
Why am I the one responsible to remember everyone's schedule?
I know. I know. I'm the mom. It's the job description.
It's just, it's getting really hard to keep this up.
I have a laundry list of to dos when the kids are asleep. I don't most of these things so I can attend to the children's needs.
When they are finally asleep I try to work on them and many times I get guff for it. Why don't you rest? You've been battling a cold for two weeks now. (Yes, I know my immune system is low.)
Why don't you this?
Why don't you that?
Well, because spending time with my children, quality time, not time on the phone, computer or what not is important to me. It's finite time. Making the shopping list can happen when they are asleep or when I'm showering or on the loo.
But now I'm at a point where the Christmas season is going into high gear and I'm done already.
I need to make a Christmas list for presents.
I need to make a Christmas list of ideas for not only the kids but my husband because his family always asks me what he needs/wants.
I need to purchase Christmas presents for my kids from my in-laws because gosh darnit, using Amazon.com and purchasing from the wishlist is too high tech.
I need to make a Christmas list for my husband because gosh darnit, he has no clue what to get me.
I need to make a list of all the Christmas bonuses and tips we give to our building staff and support.
I need to make a list of Christmas todos and purchase tickets for our annual traditions.
I need to make the Christmas cards.
I need to make the Christmas sweets.
I need to plan the Christmas breakfast and dinner menus.
I need to figure out how to stash all the Christmas presents and when I'm going to be able to wrap them.
I know. I know. First World Problems.
Truly, I am thankful and blessed and know others would die to have these problems.
Like I said, I'm just tired.
Right now, my kids are at the playground while I'm planning the Thanksgiving timeline and taking some ibuprofen. My son has bit me again and my nipples are throbbing.
Add to the stress that I suppose, I'd want, I have the stress of trying to find time to pump my already sore breasts so he has milk while I'm in the office.

Again, I'm not asking for these minute stresses to go away. I am very blessed.
I'm just tired.
Since Hurricane Sandy, the days have quickly passed. I have had little to no rest. Last week alone I had to commute 6 hours total to Washington DC for a meeting. That night, I rushed home to attend a meeting on the budget for our local parks and playground. Every other night is a meeting for our community boards. Every week there is at least one school tour I need to attend. Every other week there is an admission interview my daughter attends. Every day, I'm trying to squeeze in quality time and enrichment time with her while trying to make this whole kindergarten process fun and easy going for her. I don't want her to feel my stress.

And then there are the late nights in the office. It got to the point a two weeks ago my daughter during our afterschool cell phone conversation asked her dad to drive to my office and pick me up. I told her I had to stay longer to work and she said she'd wait in the car downstairs for me. (Kids really know how to guilt you, even at the age of 4.)

I now this is fleeting and I'm going to look back and smile at these moments and forget some of the emotional and physical stresses but for now, I just need to shut down and that's what is scaring me.
I can't shut down the eve of Christmas season.
I can't.