Monday, May 25, 2015

Unsolicited Advice

When you start something with, I don't mean to criticize, you can pretty much guess, you mean to criticize.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Faith

I was looking for someone opposite me. To have the traits I so wished I had. To be self confident. To be self assured. To be less anxiety prone. 

What I need is someone who will complement me. Someone who will be my earth when I'm the air or water. Someone who will be my wind when my fire burns with passion yet be my water to quench my thirst when my fire burns too wildly. 

I need someone who can be my pillar. 

I need someone who realizes two pillars United and strong hold the foundation for the generation before us. We have a duty and with pride I take my calling. 

With prayer I take my other calling. 
God made me as I am to do his will. 
God placed me here to help others come closer to him. 
God placed me here to help me come closer to him. 

I need to be mindful. I need to be accepting. I need to know there is a plan and there is a reason and it is not for naught. 

Two parallel ships

I don't know how much more supportive I can be. You say I'm not but all I do is to try to be supportive. 
I don't feel the need to announce my doings. What is a cry from you for help is appearing to me to be self interest. 
How will this affect me?
How will this play out in my head? 

Stopping playing it out in your head. Have faith. 
Anxiety and worry are genetic. 


Swimming 2:15pm

When we go away it's usually a much needed event. 

But for this mom going away means that I'm responsible for planning, packing, figuring what to do, cooking, coordinating the day and swimming. 

So in short a getaway but not so much a relaxing one for mom. I will say it's relaxing but in a different way. It's nice to see the kids have fun and enjoy. If it wasn't why would I keep doing it. 

Sadly it feels many times that is all on my shoulders. A lot of times i wish I wasn't the one always handling things. 

Even directions and at times driving are also on my to dos.  Many times. DH says he's tired or he's not in a state to drive. 

At first I wondered if I should be upset about the state he's in but I'm not wondering if it's better for him to be in that state than not. 

He's very angry and grumpy when he's not. He says it's his stomach or something is on his mind. It's as if he doesn't want to be here and sadly the family probably would've happier if he wasn't if he continued in his grumpy mood. 

We want him near us. It's not that we don't want him near us. We just want him to not be the Debbie downer of the group.   

Friday, May 22, 2015

The UnFun One

I know spouses are supposed to scaffold and support but when one feels as if she's scaffolding more than the other it gets tiring. 
I know God gives us talents and we need to use those talents to help others. I know God is asking me to help my loved one. I sometimes feel it is hard though especially when I feel as if because it's known I'll be the rock one feels they can do what I deem very irresponsible things for a grown person and role model. 

I plan. I organize. I maintain. That doesn't mean you don't have to put any effort. Try.  

Just try. 

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Sleep

I'm beat. 

As part of our exploration of our city fun and because he's in love with Christoph Neimann's Subway, we took a ride to 23rd via the 1, 2, 7 and F. 
Boy howdy did DS love it. His only gripe was we didn't take the 3. Think it's a sequential thing. 

We grabbed a brief moment of yoga but he wasn't into the group dynamic and we left early before the crowds dispersed and made our way to the Lego store where he out his engineering skills to work on this beauty. 

We grabbed some lunch and then picked up a frame for DD's school project and made our way home. 

After work, I ran home to make dinner while DH and the kids were at DS' class. I also started DS' bath so it was ready for his return. When he returned DH asked me to run down. I picked up the kids and we started our evening routine. 

By the time I finished setting the dishwasher, I was spent. I lay on the bed for a few minutes before heading to bed with DS. 

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Time

"All I know is you better remember this next year."
I made a mistake.
This morning, I woke up after another fitful night of bad dreams. These bad dreams however seemed to be under my control. I didn't feel panic. I felt like if I kept my wits I'd be able to manage and resolve the issue.

I woke up around 2am to force myself to work on the annual class project for DD's school. I had made up my mind that this would be my last year spearheading this project. I just have too much to do.
Still I had to complete it and time was running out.

However, as I was organizing my bags and formalizing a plan of attack, DS woke up and said he needed me. So I packed everything and went back to the bedroom with him.

While laying there next to him, I decided if I can't physically work on it, I'll make my lists which helps me tackle my to dos. Ok, I asked DH to take the trash and recyclables I set up by the door out when he walked the door. What do I need to do? Empty the dishwasher. I set it to wash after supper and everything should be dry now. Upload the photos for the project. etc...

I fell asleep reading the news afterwards.
I woke up at 6am thanks to my alarm clock, DS. (Thank goodness, he generally wakes up happy-go-lucky.)
I went outside and emptied the dishwasher and began breakfast and lunch. I also uploaded the photos and began formatting them. Next step for the project is to borrow DH's professional printer or send it to a print shop to print. I'm reluctant to ask DH for help because he's completely mired in anxiety about juggling his schedule come September.

I woke up DD at 7:15am and she was at the table eating her breakfast by 7:30am. Dishes were washed and DH walked our dog and DD to the bus stop.

Time

Had a terrible nightmare DD was at a pizzeria by herself and I had no clue which one it was to get to her. 

Someone said she was at DD's pizzeria, a place I never heard of and as I was running like a crazy person while googling to find the address I had a question at the back of my head,"is it really DD's pizzeria or a pizza shop she's keen on?"

I don't know why I didn't stop to think to call it but I just kept running. 

Woke up late. Well, kidlets finally went to bed at 9:21p. I washed the dishes from supper and cleared the countertop for the repairman and went to the bed. Woke up around 3:40 to help DS settle back into bed. Woke up at 5:00 to DH's laptop light shining on my face. Went back to bed and woke up at 7a to DS cuddling in my arms. Got out of bed at 7:41 to shower and get dressed. DH. Made breakfast today. Went to wake DD up as DS was unsuccessful with getting her of bed. (They both fell out very late.)

Knew DH would be upset  (remember, breakfast on table by 7:40 and kids eating by 7:50) and kept out of the way. Told DD to dress quickly and run to dining room. 

Got dressed and packed my bags and discussed the week's schedule. DH seems tense. 

Last night he said that he may seem out is sorts because he doesn't know how he's going to juggle grad school with two kids. I listened. I didn't offer any advice. I just listened and acknowledged his worries. 

Remember, acknowledge, don't solve. Listen and stay true to self. 

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Blank page

So tired. 
Feel empty and blank. 

Figuring the next five weekends would be ridiculous with events and to dos and taking the rain as a sign to take it easy I planned a day of relaxing and maybe having movie day with the kids. 

Pop the popcorn and watch an old flick from my childhood. Maybe Pirates of Penzance. 

The kids were energy filled and DH decried the kids were going out.  DH returns 20 minutes later to tell me he's disappointed that I don't think to take the kids as he's with them for 3:7 days by himself and he needs a break. 

I recall what my friend said of not defending myself and using his tactics. I stop and remain calm. I say,"I'm sorry you feel that way."  

He gets even more upset at me saying I'm pandering. 

I ask him what could I say that would make him feel better. He has no answer. He leaves. 

My friend was right. If I stay calm and do not use the tactics he uses he won't escalate. It's as if he's seeking the antagonism.  Don't defend myself. Don't show emotion. It's going to get harder as he's seeking to push buttons. I need to remain calm in order to keep my integrity. 

I spent the rest of the day instead of working on stuff for my kids which are long overdue with critical deadlines doing laundry. 

As DH left he gave me the laundry card and said that all he wanted to do was to leisurely do one load of wash. Now it's my responsibility. 

Now I wonder if he's morning rant to me was simply to get me to do the laundry. He knows that would be my reaction. 

He knows either I may overreact to his words. It sets him off when I do and this time I didn't. He says I go overboard. That's my defensive mechanism. I'm didn't want to hear his words and feel belittled and of little worth. I kept my wits. I didn't overreact. I didn't with words or with actions. 

I did however do all the laundry including linens and bath rugs and towels.
I washed all the dishes.
I did the groceries. 
I cleaned a pantry. 

Why?
It's not because of my OCD. Ok maybe 20%. My OCD had considerably changed since my children were born. 

Nope. I did it because somehow I feel if I do these things DH won't have as many anger spurts. Perhaps he won't be so upset. I feel like he is most comfortable handling one thing at a time and not always to completion. That's just him. I can't change that. He's fine with this until a point where the lack of completion complicates his day to day. 

He can handle always misplacing his keys. He can handle always returning to the apartment to search for something he forgot. He cannot handle the confusion that's left when after days and weeks of unswept floors and unwashed clothes mounts and he doesn't know where to begin.  It seems as if it's never ending and insurmountable. It would seem insurmountable if every day you came home and there were clean piles of clothes unfolded on your couch and dirty piles of clothes blocking your bathroom door. 

For me, if I keep with a routine. If I do a little every day and not wait until a mountain is formed, it can be tackled with little effort and doesn't require much time. 

Yes you can take off a day (Thursday I did when I came home from work at 9pm). But you try to keep that down to one day a week. 

So I stopped work on my kids stuff and decided to do those things. 
I finished and even had a chance to clean the bathroom and take a shower. 

I also made lunch for the kids and DH. He didn't tell me his plans and honestly I was afraid he'd be mad if there was nothing for the kids to eat for lunch ready. 

Yesterday he texted me that when I take DS to nap, it is always too late. Just like I have to have DD at the breakfast table by 8:40am, I need to have DS napping by 1pm. So I hastily made some lunch and left it there waiting. They never returned home for lunch or nap. 

I contemplated starting the work I need to do by Monday for the kids but by then I was exhausted. Laundry (5 loads) washed, dried, folded and put away. Trash thrown out. Recyclables tossed. Pantry cleaned. Groceries bought and put away. Bathroom cleaned. Dishes washed, dried and put away. I showered. 

All I wanted to do was take a nap. 

Midway through DH texted to apologize. He said he was sorry for letting out his frustrations on me and admitted to be touchy on things. 

I didn't even think of his text. I know his is scary but if I receive a text like this then I think it's more for him than me. Yet if I don't get one like this I fear deep down he will return later and have more to reprimand me on or that I haven't done enough to appease him. 

I don't think about it and I just focus on the laundry. 

He texted again later in the afternoon to say he was returning. I told him I wanted pizza. 

I didn't. 
I don't want pizza. I just wanted a family calm day. Idealist views of me and the kids cuddled watching a film eating pizza and popcorn. 

I knew that would never happen with me having to make a meal. Time waits for no one. 

He appeased me and picked up a pie. 
When he returned DD was feeling ill. 
I knew movie night wouldn't happen. I wasn't upset. It was an ideal. Plus that morning DH said matter of fact that there was movie he would want to see the kids would want to see and vice versa. 
Essentially movie night if there were to be one would not include him. If it did, it would include his physical being in the room but surfing on his computer. 
I have resigned myself to knowing any movie, TV or entertainment night in my head will always be just a 3 party event. 

Maybe it's that he's an only child. Maybe it's that he didn't have these things as a kid. I remember my dad and mom sitting with us watching ABC family movies and whatnot. I am sure they hated them but they sat there and watched. Dad an avid reader put down his book and watched with us. 

Anyway I helped settle DD, bathed both kids separately and now all the kids are asleep now and I finished and put away the dishes. The kids cleaned the dining room. I compiled the trash. 

I packed the snacks for the kids sports teams and prepped for tomorrow morning by putting their clothes out. 

I know I should work on my Monday deadline stuff but all I want to do now is stare at a blank wall. 

Friday, May 15, 2015

You could be swinging on a star

Can it always be in my head? 

If that were true, then do I need professional help?

What about everyone else who you have advised to seek professional help? 

Either we all truly need help or you are being orbited by some truly bat shit crazy    celestial beings. 

Bubble

I feel like shutting down again. 

Don't punish me for doing what needs to get done.

I came home from a very long day at work at 9pm. I was exhausted. I had only eaten a small meal all day. I have had chest pain sort of like heartburn since the night before. I think I’m stressed and tired. I’m having a hard time breathing hard and I have low energy.

I came home. DH and DS were in bed. DD was up. She was playing a game. Dishes were piled high. I left the home this morning with the trash taken out, the dishes washed and put away. I didn’t have a chance to take out the recyclables and I asked DH to take them out when he went to pick up our daughter from the bus stop. We’ve been home for two days straight waiting for a repairman for our dishwasher, a repairman who has yet to show up.

I was beat. The recyclables were still by the door, toys were strewn about, the kids did not put away their shoes and they were like landmines from the entranceway to the living room. Dishes were piled so high I couldn’t see the countertop. I resolved myself not to think of it and to focus on myself at the moment. My chest hurts. I’m tired and hungry. Eat something, undress and get your daughter to bed, PG. 
I grabbed a plate and made myself some supper from the delicious pulled pork my husband had made in our crockpot. He’s been trying to make meals more lately. I am grateful for the attempt and the yummy meals.

I chatted with DD for a bit and then sent her to bed and I tried to work on some work but just didn’t have the strength. I didn’t even have the strength to wash my face.

I left my computer in the kids room and texted DH when he came out to please bring me the laptop.

I sat on the couch and read the news from my phone. Maybe decompressing would make me feel better and help me focus to work later.
DH woke up and came out looking wiped. I had told him about the chest tightness via text. He said he felt that too months ago and could related to the lethargy and low energy. I asked him to please bring me my laptop. He said he didn’t want to go back in there. He then disappeared into our bedroom. I went to the kids room and tidied a small path from the door to the beds just in case anyone should wake up in the middle of the night. I brought in the toys from the living room and dining room, took my laptop and went back to the couch.
Then I just sat there. I stared at my computer and tried to find the strength and desire to open it and work but I didn’t have it. I simply was spent.
I fell asleep with a face full of makeup, unbrushed teeth and in the fetal position on the couch.

I woke up at 3am to DS asking me to help him potty.
Got him back to sleep and passed out next to him.
Woke up at 7am and rushed to get out at 7:30a for a meeting.

When I returned home one of DH’s remarks was, “I have been doing dishes all week and I’m just tired of doing them.”
Ok, let’s think back here. I’m not trying to say who did more but that statement makes it sound like I have not been the primary dishwasher.
Whatever.

I completed the dishes and meal and tidied up the toys again. I had DS put away coats and shoes, which is the children’s responsibility anyway.

All this makes me think that deep down, if I don’t take care of these things even when I’m at a point of exhaustion, I’m given crap for it. It may not be intentional. I don’t think he even knows it but the moment I let up I’ve somehow burdened him with too much and he shuts down.

I need to remember he cannot plan and organize and therefore I need to help him by doing these things.

I’m not trying to change him. He’ll never have these traits. He shouldn’t try to change me. I’ll always have lists of to dos. Yet I feel as though I do try to accommodate how my ability to prioritize and plan and execute annoys him so i do it when he’s not around or asleep, he won’t even acknowledge that he needs me to do this and leave me alone so I can do it.


It’s not a criticism of him. I don’t do these things to taunt him. I do these things because I must. Someone needs to in our home. Just don’t punish me for doing them.