Friday, October 27, 2006

A weary mind & body heads home

Monday: It's 8:50pm and I just got out of work. I came in at 7:45am. I will
probably do this again tomorrow.

Tuesday: It's tomorrow today. After a 12 hour day, I did nothing at home
except watch Heroes and contemplate wearing black to an evening
wedding in the Fall.
For the first time in a long time I didn't wish to stay in bed this morning.

Just came back from running home from the bus stop. I accidentally
locked my husband in the bedroom. See honey, I admit when I do
doofy things too.

I'm running late now but I'm not panicking. I can't solve everything
in a day.
Going back to the waking up bit, I realize my day will probably be as
chaotic if not more so today yet the fact that I'm not alone in the
burden this week comforts me. Sure the eventual outcome is on me but
it's not as heavy a load when you have help.
Lrudlrick has to fly out tomorrow for a business meeting. My MIL has
decided to come down in November for a wedding. Normally this would
bring out Mothra but at this point I could care less if my dirty
knickers are strewn all over the bedroom. Ok, maybe a little.
The wedding is at 6:30 on a Friday. Both of us have to work that day
so I'm hoping my MIL does not think it rude of me to leave her in the
house all day.

Friday and I'm beat. I wore sneakers all week knowing I'd be running
around all week. I have plenty to work on tomorrow but tonight my
brain rests.

There were a lot of bumps during training but I remind myself
implementations that run smooth are not normal.

I have to say though that I have good friends and family that seem to
know when I need a laugh or a reprieve from work related thought and

Through the chaos, I'm still grateful and am blessed to be intrusted
to do what I do and have the love of family & friends. Man, I must be
a glutton for punishment.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Does the 40 hour work week still exist?

It's 7:30pm and neither of us has made it home yet.

Tonight I have a reprieve. We're copying dBs so I'm heading home to relax alittle before tomorrow.

I'm officially a grown up. It's my birthday tomorrow and all I care about is getting as much built into my dB as possible.

Times like these thrill and terrify me. I'm not bored at work but I barely have a chance to breathe.

This time next year will I feel the same? Will I be working or will I be starting a family? Will I be doing what I do or will I take the leap and change careers? Will I want a career?

It's actually scary; what will I be a year from now? Where will I be?

Most women my age are weighing the career vs family options. I 'm no longer wanting a career but am not hungering for a family.

I thought this indecisiveness left as you got older. I feel more muddled than ever.

The answer isn't appearing tonight. The best I can do tonight is rest.

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

It's like I'm 15 again but without the guidette hairdo

The lack of self-confidence from my childhood has a way of rearing its ugly head. Although it is not as strong as it was during the teenage years, it does come by occaionally producing self doubt.

I'm pretty certain of my abilities but can I implement a system without staff? I've held many an advisory group meeting which has helped with design and development. The processes have been programmed in and now the real test happens, deployment.

I'm fairly certain my OCPD nature will get me through this and I've learned that staffing will be my next petition. Funny how a person who enjoys working independently knows she can't in the long run.

I have a great working group and hopefully a great front line team but my jitters are still there. Opening night is creeping in.

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Monday, October 16, 2006

No rest for the weary...

My rest has been pushed back until February/March. To allow for a month of feedback and modifications from the beta testers I've pushed back rollout to January.

I can hold out for my rest but I need to schedule time with my husband. In the last two weeks, we've had dinner nearly in silence. Between late hours at work and late hours working from home, we're too exhausted and pre-occupied with our job.

We pass out in front of our computers and stumble into bed around 5am. By 6, my anxiety attack wakes me and I leave to meditate in the living room to allow Lrudlrick an extra hour of sleep.

With the Fall, comes weekends filled with social engagements, obligations and housekeeping, many times we have multiple engagements requiring us to split up and meet back in the evening.

So far we've been doing well but I know it will take it's toll if we don't find time to be together.

The hard part isn't blocking the time though; it's not letting work responsiblities seep in.

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Saturday, October 14, 2006

Augustus, sweetheart. Save some room for later!

I judged a pie contest. 22 pies. 3 hours. 1 super sugar rush and a triple venti latte later I was in dire need of a bathroom. I made it home just in time. TMI ahead. I'm not embarrassed to tell you it was a leaner and a moaner.

The sugar rush turned me into a Japanese anime character. My eyes were as big as basketballs. My movements were quick and sharp but my math skills were for the birds. If I had known this job entailed math, I would have brought my abacus.

A fellow judge opted for the 8,9,10 method where he only voted in the high range. "You should have done the even odd approach." "Yeah, maybe next year."

One fellow judge took it a bit more seriously than necessary. "Excuse me! If you're discussing the pies you must do so quietly. I am a judge and cannot know who made which pie." "You know, you can move behind the curtain." That was the end of the cordialness.

By the end of my math test, 2 out of the 4 judges were bouncing around like 7 year olds. I don't know how the other 2 did it but I could hardly contain the sugar shakes.

The winner was a banana cream pie. Very tasty and well presented.

Honorable mention goes to my personal favorite, the coconut custard. I'm not a coconut fan but I gained appreciation.

Someone asked me about the worst. After 22, it's hard to tell but one stood out in the appearance category. After slicing a bubbling volcano of what looked like castor oil and applesauce spewed forth. It looked like it would come out in the same fashion.

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006

There's gotta be something better than this

I’m exhausted and there is no end in sight for my work.

In a nutshell the last two days have been spent working from 8am-12:30am and I’m spent. I’m nowhere near where I feel I should be in this implementation and I’ve been denied resources because of budgetary cuts.

I suffered from insomnia at 5am and ever since have been having anxiety attacks. I finally went into meditation around 7am and after a long shower, I made up my mind to plead my case to my boss for assistance. In short I am doing the job of an interface analyst, training coordinator, front line support and a project manager. The least they can do for me is give me a part time data entry person.

Of course my boss is out today, ill mostly likely from a suppressed immune system because I’m not the only department that was faced with cutbacks.

My entry today isn’t about my work though but the realization that there has got to be something better than this. I mean, I love my job. I love build things from scratch. I love long hours and hard work but one man can only do so much and although I believe in the power to move mountains, one man can not move obstinance alone, especially if obstinance comes en masse, and with all new things, there is always obstinance.

I’m an optimistic realist. I believe in what I do and that makes me good at what I do. So when I find myself giving up on things I like personally, like Thanksgiving Dinners and Christmas get togethers, I realize that my priorities are askew. I don’t care what anyone says, you shouldn’t have to give up your personal happiness for anyone or anything.

Mom came back from the wedding and I found out not from my own mother or my stepdad but my stepsister that she fell before the wedding. She hurt her knee. Sadly the first thing I wondered, while sitting at my office at 9pm reading an email from my stepsister was is this a psychological issue? Why does she fall before major family weddings?

Lrudlrick thinks I’m just stressed and said two weddings does not make a pattern. I spoke to her around 10pm and informed her I confirmed the pick ups for the car service. Then around 11:30pm, she calls me to tell me she called the cruise line and I was right 11am pick for a 4pm sail time is too early. I told my mother to look at the mailed information I sent her and to call the car service directly. “Now you know not to let her anxiety get to you. You and I well now that if you call a cab in the morning, they’d pick her up.” “I know Lrudlrick but I thought at the time if I helped her get the car service she’d stop panicking about it and telling me that she can’t even rely on her kids.” “Things don’t come easy for your mom because she makes them hard. If she came clean and told the whole truth it wouldn’t be so difficult for her and you and your brother. You can’t change her but you can avoid falling into the web.”

With that, I told myself not to harp on the insanity and spent the rest of the night sleeping deeply for 3 hours and than hitting a brick wall of insomnia at 5am. Strange dreams of my grandmother not properly dressed in the winter and my father, brother and I trekking her to the doctor’s plagued me. There was a need for my brother to carry my grandmother sans socks through snow banks waist high to reach the doctor. After those flashes I woke up in a cold sweat and couldn’t go back to sleep. I wondered why after two horrendous days where burnout was creeping in, I would dream about helping someone rather than someone helping me. When your stressed and nervous and questioning your abilities, you naturally would seek comfort. A hug from your dog, a hand to hold, chocolate ice cream all would have made sense but since I got home all I did was close myself off. I zoned out. I watched television. I read the Gothamist entries. Then it hit me. I want comfort but fear comfort is a sign of weakness for this circumstance. I’m afraid if I wallow, I won’t get up in the morning, put on my 4 inch slides and keep trudging through the shit because what good would staying in bed and vegging do? I have to move on. I have keep going because if I give up, I’ll be for the worse. I need to set my personal gift. My original gift was a week at CIA in January/February but right now that’s cost prohibitive. My new gift is a complete spa package for the day, a head to toe package and a whole week off doing absolutely nothing but be Laura to Lrudlrick’s Rob.

Now, I have to get ready for a meeting, wait for the confirmation call from the car service for my mom’s pick up, load data builds, send test files, continue building a class schedule, finalize an agenda for tonight’s meeting, get home in time to let my husband in since he left his keys in the house, move the car, pick up much need clothing from the cleaners and walk the dogs……………… and I do it all wearing 4 inch slides.

“And when I find me some kind of life I can live
I'm gonna get up, get out and live it!”

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Thursday, October 05, 2006

I won't lie; I would have gladly taken an old man cane chair than stand for 4 hours.

Muthafunga reminded me;I forgot to mention the concert we went to together. We went to check out Jamie Cullum a few weeks back and I will say he puts on a good show. He’s also 2 inches taller than me but that’s just a bit of trivia. I didn’t bring a camera because, well, I didn’t really want to carry to much with me but in the end I should have. All my photos on my phone were very blurry.

The opening act was Josh Ritter, a folk singer, and although he didn’t sound awful, he’s goofy smile and the Beelzebot bassist was throwing me for a loop.

I had a great time and would love to see him again but I hope next time I won’t be near the Brazilian girl with the whipping scarf. Honestly, how do you whip your scarf around to ‘What a Difference a Day Makes’?

Thanks go to PianoMarn for posting a great video from the concert.

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Look honey, I released a naked Storm Trooper into cyberspace

I’m not a social butterfly. I much rather keep to myself, especially at work. However, I do make it a point to go out to lunch with a colleague or two at least once a week. The problem with these lunches is that I usually leave a little disheartened. I learn more about my organization than I chose to, most of it negative.

True, many times I should chalk it up to gossip but when several people reiterate the message, you begin to question the validity.

Lrudlrick and I have talked awhile about how if circumstances move me in another direction, I will consider slowing down my life, moving away from the big city and focus on family.

It’s all together very tempting, especially when you are in a pressure cooker work place. In today’s workplace, more and more is placed on a single person. What’s worse is not the lack of recognition but the lack of support. When you give of yourself, you should have the support from the leaders to drive you to move on. Many of my friends and colleagues in the field say they do not. Loyalty and Confidence are leaving our workplace. Disclaimer: The opinions expressed here do not reflect on a single institution. One should not imply these opinions are directed towards any particular work environment.

In my Betty Crocker world, I was asked to be a judge for a pie contest. I was going to enter but being asked I suppose is a privilege. I’ll enter next year. I still plan to make my first pie for the season this week. I plan to make a Cherry pie.

I also pulled out my crock-pot this morning. First crock-pot meal of the fall will be brisket. I decided on brisket because I’ve made an addict of my husband. I introduced him to the brisket sandwich at local restaurant I used to frequent a lot in the mid-90’s. Lately, I’ve been finding myself heading down to the West Village more and more. I’m not sure why but it’s like home base now. It’s comforting to know I’m not meandering around the upper Westside searching for a place to chill. I know pretty much any place I stop at in the West Village is a place I can hang my hat at and stay for a while.

On the television front, I’ve taped a lot but watched a little. I’m now obsessed with a new video game. Yes, it’s been awhile since a video game has enticed me but Legos Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy is so much fun, I can’t help but look forward to playing a new level every chance I get.

For me the most fun is the multi-player option. A friend can jump in and out at anytime. It reminds me of the days of Contra. My brother and I would spend hours playing Contra. Sibling battles occurred often about how one of us kept killing each other by moving them to the ‘end of the screen’.

I started to relive that a little with Star Wars with Lrudlrick. The big difference is my husband has not learned the art of direction.

pg: You killed me again! If you’re going to move ahead, tell me to catch up or else I fall off the screen and die.

L: Pay attention then.

pg: I can’t keep an eye on you while fighting off storm troopers. Just holler out if you’re moving ahead. It’s not hard to say ‘left’ or ‘north’.

Minutes later………
L: This way! This way! This way! This way!

pg: Dude, I’m busy trying not to get stepped on by an AT-ST. To the left! To the left! There’s a heart. I need a health heart! Oh man, you missed all those coins and health! Quick before they disappear!

L: They’ll always be coins around.

pg: I’m not speaking to you. I need those coins to buy the Jawa.

Yes, you can shop in the game, at the cantina to be precise. While my husband is pretty good at the Jedi skills, I’m fairly decent with the shooting but awesome with the money collecting. I run my character over to the coins faster than I run myself to a Stuart Weitzman semi-annual sample sale.

The coins collected not only increase your True Jedi points but also allow you to buy extras and characters. See, I needed a Jawa to help me get into a secret area in the Jundland Wastes. It’s extremely addicting and I’m hoping to show my brother the game tonight in between innings.

Check out the trailer, if you’re interested. There’s also a free demo online at the Lucas arts site.

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