Saturday, May 16, 2015

Blank page

So tired. 
Feel empty and blank. 

Figuring the next five weekends would be ridiculous with events and to dos and taking the rain as a sign to take it easy I planned a day of relaxing and maybe having movie day with the kids. 

Pop the popcorn and watch an old flick from my childhood. Maybe Pirates of Penzance. 

The kids were energy filled and DH decried the kids were going out.  DH returns 20 minutes later to tell me he's disappointed that I don't think to take the kids as he's with them for 3:7 days by himself and he needs a break. 

I recall what my friend said of not defending myself and using his tactics. I stop and remain calm. I say,"I'm sorry you feel that way."  

He gets even more upset at me saying I'm pandering. 

I ask him what could I say that would make him feel better. He has no answer. He leaves. 

My friend was right. If I stay calm and do not use the tactics he uses he won't escalate. It's as if he's seeking the antagonism.  Don't defend myself. Don't show emotion. It's going to get harder as he's seeking to push buttons. I need to remain calm in order to keep my integrity. 

I spent the rest of the day instead of working on stuff for my kids which are long overdue with critical deadlines doing laundry. 

As DH left he gave me the laundry card and said that all he wanted to do was to leisurely do one load of wash. Now it's my responsibility. 

Now I wonder if he's morning rant to me was simply to get me to do the laundry. He knows that would be my reaction. 

He knows either I may overreact to his words. It sets him off when I do and this time I didn't. He says I go overboard. That's my defensive mechanism. I'm didn't want to hear his words and feel belittled and of little worth. I kept my wits. I didn't overreact. I didn't with words or with actions. 

I did however do all the laundry including linens and bath rugs and towels.
I washed all the dishes.
I did the groceries. 
I cleaned a pantry. 

It's not because of my OCD. Ok maybe 20%. My OCD had considerably changed since my children were born. 

Nope. I did it because somehow I feel if I do these things DH won't have as many anger spurts. Perhaps he won't be so upset. I feel like he is most comfortable handling one thing at a time and not always to completion. That's just him. I can't change that. He's fine with this until a point where the lack of completion complicates his day to day. 

He can handle always misplacing his keys. He can handle always returning to the apartment to search for something he forgot. He cannot handle the confusion that's left when after days and weeks of unswept floors and unwashed clothes mounts and he doesn't know where to begin.  It seems as if it's never ending and insurmountable. It would seem insurmountable if every day you came home and there were clean piles of clothes unfolded on your couch and dirty piles of clothes blocking your bathroom door. 

For me, if I keep with a routine. If I do a little every day and not wait until a mountain is formed, it can be tackled with little effort and doesn't require much time. 

Yes you can take off a day (Thursday I did when I came home from work at 9pm). But you try to keep that down to one day a week. 

So I stopped work on my kids stuff and decided to do those things. 
I finished and even had a chance to clean the bathroom and take a shower. 

I also made lunch for the kids and DH. He didn't tell me his plans and honestly I was afraid he'd be mad if there was nothing for the kids to eat for lunch ready. 

Yesterday he texted me that when I take DS to nap, it is always too late. Just like I have to have DD at the breakfast table by 8:40am, I need to have DS napping by 1pm. So I hastily made some lunch and left it there waiting. They never returned home for lunch or nap. 

I contemplated starting the work I need to do by Monday for the kids but by then I was exhausted. Laundry (5 loads) washed, dried, folded and put away. Trash thrown out. Recyclables tossed. Pantry cleaned. Groceries bought and put away. Bathroom cleaned. Dishes washed, dried and put away. I showered. 

All I wanted to do was take a nap. 

Midway through DH texted to apologize. He said he was sorry for letting out his frustrations on me and admitted to be touchy on things. 

I didn't even think of his text. I know his is scary but if I receive a text like this then I think it's more for him than me. Yet if I don't get one like this I fear deep down he will return later and have more to reprimand me on or that I haven't done enough to appease him. 

I don't think about it and I just focus on the laundry. 

He texted again later in the afternoon to say he was returning. I told him I wanted pizza. 

I didn't. 
I don't want pizza. I just wanted a family calm day. Idealist views of me and the kids cuddled watching a film eating pizza and popcorn. 

I knew that would never happen with me having to make a meal. Time waits for no one. 

He appeased me and picked up a pie. 
When he returned DD was feeling ill. 
I knew movie night wouldn't happen. I wasn't upset. It was an ideal. Plus that morning DH said matter of fact that there was movie he would want to see the kids would want to see and vice versa. 
Essentially movie night if there were to be one would not include him. If it did, it would include his physical being in the room but surfing on his computer. 
I have resigned myself to knowing any movie, TV or entertainment night in my head will always be just a 3 party event. 

Maybe it's that he's an only child. Maybe it's that he didn't have these things as a kid. I remember my dad and mom sitting with us watching ABC family movies and whatnot. I am sure they hated them but they sat there and watched. Dad an avid reader put down his book and watched with us. 

Anyway I helped settle DD, bathed both kids separately and now all the kids are asleep now and I finished and put away the dishes. The kids cleaned the dining room. I compiled the trash. 

I packed the snacks for the kids sports teams and prepped for tomorrow morning by putting their clothes out. 

I know I should work on my Monday deadline stuff but all I want to do now is stare at a blank wall.