Friday, May 15, 2015

Don't punish me for doing what needs to get done.

I came home from a very long day at work at 9pm. I was exhausted. I had only eaten a small meal all day. I have had chest pain sort of like heartburn since the night before. I think I’m stressed and tired. I’m having a hard time breathing hard and I have low energy.

I came home. DH and DS were in bed. DD was up. She was playing a game. Dishes were piled high. I left the home this morning with the trash taken out, the dishes washed and put away. I didn’t have a chance to take out the recyclables and I asked DH to take them out when he went to pick up our daughter from the bus stop. We’ve been home for two days straight waiting for a repairman for our dishwasher, a repairman who has yet to show up.

I was beat. The recyclables were still by the door, toys were strewn about, the kids did not put away their shoes and they were like landmines from the entranceway to the living room. Dishes were piled so high I couldn’t see the countertop. I resolved myself not to think of it and to focus on myself at the moment. My chest hurts. I’m tired and hungry. Eat something, undress and get your daughter to bed, PG. 
I grabbed a plate and made myself some supper from the delicious pulled pork my husband had made in our crockpot. He’s been trying to make meals more lately. I am grateful for the attempt and the yummy meals.

I chatted with DD for a bit and then sent her to bed and I tried to work on some work but just didn’t have the strength. I didn’t even have the strength to wash my face.

I left my computer in the kids room and texted DH when he came out to please bring me the laptop.

I sat on the couch and read the news from my phone. Maybe decompressing would make me feel better and help me focus to work later.
DH woke up and came out looking wiped. I had told him about the chest tightness via text. He said he felt that too months ago and could related to the lethargy and low energy. I asked him to please bring me my laptop. He said he didn’t want to go back in there. He then disappeared into our bedroom. I went to the kids room and tidied a small path from the door to the beds just in case anyone should wake up in the middle of the night. I brought in the toys from the living room and dining room, took my laptop and went back to the couch.
Then I just sat there. I stared at my computer and tried to find the strength and desire to open it and work but I didn’t have it. I simply was spent.
I fell asleep with a face full of makeup, unbrushed teeth and in the fetal position on the couch.

I woke up at 3am to DS asking me to help him potty.
Got him back to sleep and passed out next to him.
Woke up at 7am and rushed to get out at 7:30a for a meeting.

When I returned home one of DH’s remarks was, “I have been doing dishes all week and I’m just tired of doing them.”
Ok, let’s think back here. I’m not trying to say who did more but that statement makes it sound like I have not been the primary dishwasher.

I completed the dishes and meal and tidied up the toys again. I had DS put away coats and shoes, which is the children’s responsibility anyway.

All this makes me think that deep down, if I don’t take care of these things even when I’m at a point of exhaustion, I’m given crap for it. It may not be intentional. I don’t think he even knows it but the moment I let up I’ve somehow burdened him with too much and he shuts down.

I need to remember he cannot plan and organize and therefore I need to help him by doing these things.

I’m not trying to change him. He’ll never have these traits. He shouldn’t try to change me. I’ll always have lists of to dos. Yet I feel as though I do try to accommodate how my ability to prioritize and plan and execute annoys him so i do it when he’s not around or asleep, he won’t even acknowledge that he needs me to do this and leave me alone so I can do it.

It’s not a criticism of him. I don’t do these things to taunt him. I do these things because I must. Someone needs to in our home. Just don’t punish me for doing them.