Monday, May 11, 2015


Afraid what will happen tonight. 
I'm optimistic that I will be able to sit with him and just be.

On Sunday, Mother's Day I felt like he didn't want to hold my hand or be close to me. I grabbed him arm and leaned close to him but he seem to walk away and didn't offer to hold me in any way. 

This is either the end or the beginning. 

I'm afraid to go home because I'm optimistic and don't want my balloon to deflate. 

I'm not naive. I know we need will need to work if we want to continue. The question is are we both willing. 

I'm still afraid to talk freely or ask things. It will take time but I also don't think I'm commenting like he thinks I'm commenting. 

Is he displacing on me? Am I truly giving miscommunication? 

All I can do is pray and smile. 

Everyone asleep. 
I contemplate helping clean up and prepping for tomorrow. 

Instinctively I started to do it but then I stopped. 

What if the problem is I do all this?

I drop my bag off and toss some collected trash in the bin again automatically. 

I sit for a moment in the humid living room in the dark and question what if me backing off on things the past few months, not keeping the fridge and pantry stocked, not monitoring toiletries and other household supplies, a cause of the strife? Are we better off if I do these small things to keep the machine running?

I used to think it wasn't about equality or fairness. I had a thought it was about tolerance. Thresholds are different for all. Perhaps the person with the lowest threshold is the responsibility party. It only goes south of the opposite person realizes this and becomes complacent. 

Am I deluding myself? Is just doing these things to make my loved ones lives easier better for any of us? Is it a way to suppress or prevent strife? Is it a way to deflect? 

I don't know the answer but I've made up my mind that for today, I will clean up as much as I can. 

If I can't sit and be with my spouse, I'll try to make our home a tad more tidy and organized. 
Not sure if that's the right answer or not but for tonight its what I will do.