Is it ok to feel hollow?
Is it ok to just sit in a dark corner of my stump and just be?
I want love. I want shelter. I want protection even though I don't need it. I want someone to want me so badly they want to hold me and care for me.
I don't want to be the mighty oak. I don't want to be the one that plans and executes.
I want to not plan. I want to sit back and know it will be taken care of.
I want to be able to not hold the burden and the sometimes blame, whether intentional or not.
We all do our best.
No gratitude just gripe.
Along with the responsibility, there is the dual edge in which you probably know better but still are compelled to seek answers for other's questions. When you find them, they either disbelieve you or ignore you. Why do I keep doing it?
Why do I seek? For what?
This is different than children ignoring your sage wisdom. That I get. Experience is a the great learner.
Yet, why do I feel compelled to seek the knowledge for another adult?
Is it protective and self centered? Is it a fear that if left untouched, the other's panic and anxiety will seep into my world? It's not to show off.
Why can't I let him learn himself and just let it go? It would probably relieve the anxiety of being berated later. It probably will reduce the unpleasant tone of criticism and belittlement felt later.
I seek no solace in this pain. I seek no comfort in this loneliness yet my actions seem to lead me to this time and time again. How do I break free and breathe fire and shout, I AM STRONGER AND I DO NOT DESERVE THIS.