Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Houston, we have confirmation.

I must have been in that exam room, naked from the bottom down, for what seemed like 15 minutes.  It was ridiculously long.
During that time everything floating in my head.  None of the floaties was that I wasn't pregnant.
I was pregnant and something was wrong.  Logically, pg, how could they tell that with a urine test?
I was pregnant but farther along that I suspected.  Again, really from a litmus stick?
Then the musak from the speakers in my doctor's office crackled and out came Bruno Mars' Just the Way You Are'.  I know it's a cheesy song but that song always makes me smile.  And I smiled. 
I knew it would be alright.  Then I remember my husband hearing Lionel Richie's 'You are the Sun' on those same speakers as our daughter hid her gender from us.  He later wrote on a piece of paper who he thought was growing in my belly and he was right.  I wonder...
"Congratulations!  You were right, you're pregnant!"
I smiled and went through the motions but all I could think of was, "How am I going to break this to my husband?"
Yes, he has to know that I could be pregnant.  It's not like we weren't trying but we really weren't expecting it now.  Is this the right time?  How are we going to handle this financially?
DH just gave me an anniversary card that said, "Thanks for letting me work towards being somebody."  Now I'm telling him well, be somebody soon because well another kids on the way.
I still didn't feel the same as I did the first time around.  I don't know if the apprehensions kicked in sooner or what.
How would this effect my daughter?  Is our relationship going to change?  How is this going to effect my husband and what he wants to do in life?
I have so many unanswered questions.
I received my first sonogram and by golly that heartbeat was the strongest heartbeat I heard.  I mean, I don't even recall my daughter's heartbeat at this age being so strong.  By golly, for a brief moment my brain stopped worrying and running a mile a minute and the world consisted of that fast strong beating heart and my heart grew.
That's when I realized God is reminding me to have no anxiety and have faith in him. "Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." -- Philippians 4:4-7
The Lord is near. Holy moly, he's in me growing a beautiful being that's heart and soul is God. I'm a mom. I will always worry. I'm a wife. I'll worry. But I am not alone.