Wednesday, October 11, 2006

There's gotta be something better than this

I’m exhausted and there is no end in sight for my work.

In a nutshell the last two days have been spent working from 8am-12:30am and I’m spent. I’m nowhere near where I feel I should be in this implementation and I’ve been denied resources because of budgetary cuts.

I suffered from insomnia at 5am and ever since have been having anxiety attacks. I finally went into meditation around 7am and after a long shower, I made up my mind to plead my case to my boss for assistance. In short I am doing the job of an interface analyst, training coordinator, front line support and a project manager. The least they can do for me is give me a part time data entry person.

Of course my boss is out today, ill mostly likely from a suppressed immune system because I’m not the only department that was faced with cutbacks.

My entry today isn’t about my work though but the realization that there has got to be something better than this. I mean, I love my job. I love build things from scratch. I love long hours and hard work but one man can only do so much and although I believe in the power to move mountains, one man can not move obstinance alone, especially if obstinance comes en masse, and with all new things, there is always obstinance.

I’m an optimistic realist. I believe in what I do and that makes me good at what I do. So when I find myself giving up on things I like personally, like Thanksgiving Dinners and Christmas get togethers, I realize that my priorities are askew. I don’t care what anyone says, you shouldn’t have to give up your personal happiness for anyone or anything.

Mom came back from the wedding and I found out not from my own mother or my stepdad but my stepsister that she fell before the wedding. She hurt her knee. Sadly the first thing I wondered, while sitting at my office at 9pm reading an email from my stepsister was is this a psychological issue? Why does she fall before major family weddings?

Lrudlrick thinks I’m just stressed and said two weddings does not make a pattern. I spoke to her around 10pm and informed her I confirmed the pick ups for the car service. Then around 11:30pm, she calls me to tell me she called the cruise line and I was right 11am pick for a 4pm sail time is too early. I told my mother to look at the mailed information I sent her and to call the car service directly. “Now you know not to let her anxiety get to you. You and I well now that if you call a cab in the morning, they’d pick her up.” “I know Lrudlrick but I thought at the time if I helped her get the car service she’d stop panicking about it and telling me that she can’t even rely on her kids.” “Things don’t come easy for your mom because she makes them hard. If she came clean and told the whole truth it wouldn’t be so difficult for her and you and your brother. You can’t change her but you can avoid falling into the web.”

With that, I told myself not to harp on the insanity and spent the rest of the night sleeping deeply for 3 hours and than hitting a brick wall of insomnia at 5am. Strange dreams of my grandmother not properly dressed in the winter and my father, brother and I trekking her to the doctor’s plagued me. There was a need for my brother to carry my grandmother sans socks through snow banks waist high to reach the doctor. After those flashes I woke up in a cold sweat and couldn’t go back to sleep. I wondered why after two horrendous days where burnout was creeping in, I would dream about helping someone rather than someone helping me. When your stressed and nervous and questioning your abilities, you naturally would seek comfort. A hug from your dog, a hand to hold, chocolate ice cream all would have made sense but since I got home all I did was close myself off. I zoned out. I watched television. I read the Gothamist entries. Then it hit me. I want comfort but fear comfort is a sign of weakness for this circumstance. I’m afraid if I wallow, I won’t get up in the morning, put on my 4 inch slides and keep trudging through the shit because what good would staying in bed and vegging do? I have to move on. I have keep going because if I give up, I’ll be for the worse. I need to set my personal gift. My original gift was a week at CIA in January/February but right now that’s cost prohibitive. My new gift is a complete spa package for the day, a head to toe package and a whole week off doing absolutely nothing but be Laura to Lrudlrick’s Rob.

Now, I have to get ready for a meeting, wait for the confirmation call from the car service for my mom’s pick up, load data builds, send test files, continue building a class schedule, finalize an agenda for tonight’s meeting, get home in time to let my husband in since he left his keys in the house, move the car, pick up much need clothing from the cleaners and walk the dogs……………… and I do it all wearing 4 inch slides.

“And when I find me some kind of life I can live
I'm gonna get up, get out and live it!”

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