Monday, July 02, 2012

Mommy Guilt

It's been a very long time.
It's not that I didn't have anything to share.
I have tons.
That's the problem, I suppose.
I had to let things slide in order to be the parent I want to be.
We have hit that point of having two kids where we are living off of fumes these days.
In the words of my husband, "I don't know what day it is anymore. It just meshes into each other. I just want a decent night's sleep. When does that happen?"
It's not like our kids are a handful in a horrible way either.
They are just kids.
They are awesome kids.
One is nearly 4 and every day her questions and inquisitions are becoming harder and harder to answer. "How does the army protect us? Why do we have to wear sunscreen? Why doesn't time wait?"
The other one is just beginning to physically attempt to explore. He's been inquisitive from the get go but now that he's sitting up and doing "the roll", he wants to see more. He wants to touch and explore and taste.
Since we last spoke, we've had to replace two mattresses, one very expensive one, I might add. We have had two teeth poke out of the bottom gum.
We' ve had a death in our family. We've had celebrations in our family. 
We've had a quick family vacation.
Our daughter is attempting to sound out words.
Our son is attempting to explore everything. We know he adores his sister (much to her chagrin sometimes) and our dog. (His smile at the sight of our dog turns a heart into a beaming summer sun.)
My husband obtained reading glasses and he's starting to cook. Yeah!
I've had a ton of work. I've been planning  a birthday. I have several impending business trips.
In short, I'm tired. My husband and I are tired.

I wish I had more energy and time to give to my husband. I wish I could give him the attention he used to get B.C. He deserves it. I know I told myself this year, I would try to give him more attention and dote on him a bit more. It hasn't been happening.
I was beginning to feel like we nagged each other too much and so I have been trying to just do and understand that God has put us together to help each other. I weight the importance of things and try to not sweat the small stuff.
Still, trying to find time to cuddle or just have some sit next to each other and glaze over as we watch the television is difficult to achieve. When we do have both kids asleep, we need to do our things. For him, he needs to decompress after being with the kids all day. For me, I have to do all the things that didn't get done because we were both doing the grown up things.
Sometimes that's where we start nagging. He would rather do the laundry in the morning and I'd rather do it at night so in the morning we start fresh. He would rather do the dishes in the morning and I would rather do it at night so breakfast routine runs smoothly.
He just wants to chill. I want to chill too but know it will lead to a harried morning or things not getting done. And so, after our daughter is asleep, I do the dishes, clean the breast pump parts, clean the counters, clean the stove, tidy the play areas and prep my bags and lunches for the next day. By the time that is done, I might have time to pump and simultaneously make our grocery list or another to do list.

I don't want to be the Mrs. Boring. I just know it needs to get done.

I'm also feeling guilty that my daughter has been asking to pretend play with me more these days and I just don't have the time.
As soon as I get home, "let's play dollhouse for ten minutes."
I want to say, Honey, I wish I could. I really do. I just need to get out of these dirty clothes, freshen up and start dinner. If I don't dinner doesn't get on the table until nearly your bedtime. I can't eat, because I have to put your brother to bed while you eat and then maybe come out in time to help you finish your meal and get ready for bed or have your Dad tell me you did the 3 Ps' (Potty, Pick Up & Pajamas) and am waiting for me in bed.
I try to make bedtime sacred time though. I try my darndest to do bedtime with her. I read her a story, we talk a little about our day. We do a few puzzles, prayer and I read her to sleep with our latest chapter book. (It's still Wizard of Oz. She asked me to restart it after a sabbatical.)

There is a bit of guilt about my son where I wish I could pump more so I'm not always worried about our stash. I also wish that I read and sang to him more like I did with his sister. We don't have as many conversations as I did with her. I feel like he's more the listener of conversations between the family.

I'm not naive and I know that one cannot have it all. I know this. It's just hard period being a parent. It's hard being a parent to two. It's hard being a spouse. It's hard being a person with interests outside of home. It's just hard these days.

I continue to solider on though. I'm not reinventing the wheel. There are many folks that have it better. There are many folks that have it worse. I'm no different. I just trust in God and believe and try not to let the Mommy guilt get to me.