Thursday, October 13, 2011

What not to do when your wife is about to squeeze out your offspring

Here are some things a man should avoid especially when their wife is in the third trimester of pregnancy and if you need to be told this, your wife probably is praying the blockhead gene (it's called compassion, get some) isn't passed on to her offspring.
1. Don't start some ridiculous project like changing a sink, retiling the bathroom or spend an entire day at Ikea when she is 39 weeks pregnant.
2. Don't tell her you can't get anything dome because you are either busy with your other children or getting her another glass of water.
3. Don't buy a boatload of crap without getting rid of crap and finalizing getting a boatload of crap for the new baby.
4. Don't treat your wife like she can still run a marathon when she can't even get up the stairs during a commercial break.
5. Don't ask her what is wrong when she takes 15 minutes to make it to the car.
6. Realize she is sacrificing her body and mental health to incubate your offspring.
7. Don't tell her she wanted this.
8. Don't decide to fulfill or try to fulfill some man-boy dream during the third and fourth trimesters.
9. Don't make her feel like she's a burden.
10. Make her feel like she is as precious as she is.
11. Don't leave her alone for an entire day with a toddler and a house turned upside down because of some project you are compelled to do.
12. Realize that a baby needs to be close to his/her mother and probably will room for her/his newbornhood.
13. Realize this will cause some strife with the other children.
14. Don't make her feel as if you are neglected. You will be neglected for some time. Deal with it especially if you have not spent any time at all during the pregnancy thanking her or treating her like she should be treated.
15. Run a warm bath for her just because.
16. Don't be an ass and forget to thank her or hug her or kiss her belly or talk to your child in utero.
17. Make fun of how big she is but no when to stop.
18. Be considerate and offer to fill out the grownup paperwork or read the grownup paperwork. Betcha didn't know there was a stack of papers for pre-registration at the hospital and the pediatrician.
19. If she gives you a book to read, read it and don't make a snide comment.
20. Offer her a massage or even just to hold her hands or the small of her back when she's waddling.
21. Bring home ice cream, grapes or whatever it is she's craving just because and without asking.
22. When she asks you to bring something home, don't forget.
23. If you forget, don't forget the next day.
24. Or the next day.
25. Or make her go out and get it herself because she's tired of asking.
26. Don't make her feel like she is supposed to 'man up.'
27. Don't make her feel like she's alone even when you are sitting next to her.
28. Don't make her feel like she would be better off staying in her room by herself.
29. Don't make her wish to stay an extra night at the hospital so she can feel taken care of.
30. Don't make her feel like she has to do more than she's already doing.
A co-worker said to me,"She is my delicate egg. She is carrying my daughter and they are both so fragile." I smiled and internally chuckled at the innocence of 1st time parents but inside I was little jealous.