Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Do not cross Mama Hen especially when she's 10 months pregnant

I spent most of the first year of life for my daughter sleep deprived. My husband decided it was his time to do his thing and spent many nights working or sleeping to spend the day working.
This meant I was responsible for night time parenting.
I did this out of necessity.
When I went back to work I continued the nighttime parenting duties mostly to bond with my daughter but also to avoid any grumpies from my husband.
See I get grumpy but when it comes to parenting I probably suck up a lot more than he does. It's just the way we are. It doesn't make him less of anything.  Not to be gender whatever but from my experience most moms suck it up better than dads.  Life changes for both but women are really not the same people they were before child.
I just rather take care of it then hear the wrath later.
It's like when I'll go out of my way to do something just so I don't bother or hear about it later.
It is partly due to my upbringing I'm like this and partly me not liking grumpasauraus.
With #2 my husband has these ideals. I gave up on ideals when I spent a night up with our newborn with only The Exorcist to keep me company.
It's why I haven't prepared any meals for post partum.
It's why I stopped crying about the lack of family photos with fetus.
It just is. I can't change it. I'm the only one that feels it. Just suck it up.
There are some ideals I'm passionate about and mostly because they are survival mechanisms for me.
I'm a strong advocate for attachment parenting. I'm a firm believer in breastfeeding. I believe in the benefits of sleep sharing. I believe children have rights and are smarter than folks believe them to be.
Breastfeeding has always been important to me in a clinical aspect but it became even more emotional for me knowing how difficult it is and how personal it is.
It also kept me connected while I was physically away from my child.
Sleep sharing started out of sheer survival. I needed sleep. I was the only one handling nighttime parenting and I simply couldn't function without sleep. Then I read about the benefits and also experienced some of my own.
Later it became apparent to me sleep sharing was something that bonded me with my daughter especially when I couldn't be with her during the day.
Attachment parenting became instinctual because of these things and I found myself leaning more and more towards this form of parenting without even knowing it had a name.
My husband is an API-er for the most part but he hates labels. Plus he has ideals that are formed mainly for societal pressures that clash with mine.
So I'm left to wonder what is it going to be like for me with #2?
Am I going to be alone again? I think yes which means I'm clinging on to my beliefs and survival tactics.
DH swears no and that things will be different. Personally what we have done so far seems to be working and I am happy. He thinks it's working but he still wants things to lean more towards his style.
My gut instinct it to follow what I believe is right for my child and me. I know that sounds exclusionary but in a sense parenthood especially in the very early years is.
I just spent 10 months closer than I will ever be with another human being. You can't just break that.
I'm probably more apprehensive about how this is going to affect marriage and my relationship with my best friend than how this will affect me or how it will affect my relationship with my daughter.
I've voiced it months ago and said it has made this pregnancy less enjoyable but I persevere.
I know come what may I'm going to stick to my guns. I'm not sure if DH realizes this.
I may be too chicken to outright say it but I know I'm going to do what works best for me and my baby. I know I will sacrifice and I will probably sacrifice more than is asked but I need to be comfortable and secure in my decisions and actions and I will not make them to appease another person.
This is too damn important to me.