Saturday, August 13, 2011

I feel alive

I feel weird.

I try to live by God's words to do everything without protest or griping.

Something happened that left me tossing and turning all night and I finally had to say something.  I was hurt and I needed to say something.

In retrospect, I probably didn't need to say anything but it was bothering me to the point that I had to let it out and I did.

What happened?

I hurt someone and although I think we had resolution and came to an understanding that we are very emotional about this I can't help feel bad but good at the same time.

I feel bad that someone got hurt but I felt good coming clean and saying what I needed to say.  I don't know if it was something I needed that makes me feel better about it all.

I clearly stated there was no malice at all in what I had to say but I had to say it.  I had to defend myself.

Again, I'm a strong believer of not needing to defend oneself with words.  My actions come from the heart and I think that's more important but in this instance, I really felt better saying something.

Now I know that sounds funny coming from a person that is pretty matter-of-fact and can be blunt at times to the point of actually being hurtful.

I know this sounds funny coming from someone who may be very logical but also tries to play along as well as a non-social person can be.

That's why I feel weird.  It's as if what I think should be logically fine (let my actions say it) but I needed this push today.  I needed to be able to say, hey, this is bugging the crap out of me and I have to defend myself.

But then I get back that nagging that one shouldn't have to defend oneself.

To that, my husband reminds me that guilt will get me nowhere and it's not wrong for a woman to have a set of balls every now and then. 

And thank you Holly Hudson <a href=> & Mommyland for reminding that "Satan loves for those feelings of doubt to creep into our hearts."  I know it was said in a different context but it applies to most guilt.