Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Have you seen my body?

For the first time in any of my pregnancies, I'm ready to return to my pre-pregnancy body.
I know.  I know.  I have not given birth yet.
When I was first pregnant, some of my fellow pregnant moms told me how they had it rough and they were ready to return to their pre-pregnant bodies.
I must have been in lala land or I had a fairly good pregnancy because I never felt that way.  Not even after I gave birth.  I figured my body would return when it returned.  I exercised.  I ate right and felt it would be ok.  It also helped that I breastfed and had the mentality that my body is my child's fuel and lifeline and I willingly allowed that to be the primary focus.
Now I'm not saying I want to be dieting or what not.  What I mean by returning to my body is that for 4+ years my body has not been mine.  It has been a vessel for another either for living quarters or for growth and/or sustenance.
I'm missing me.  For so long my body hasn't been my body and I guess, I'm missing myself.
I still plan to breastfeed.  I still plan to be the mobile transport (babywearing, toddlertotting).  I'm just ready to see my feet again.  I'd also like to see my entire body not just via a mirror but also by looking down and behind.
I still love pregnancy and I still love the wonderful changes that happen to our bodies during pregnancy and motherhood but I'm also tired.  I'm tired of spending 5 minutes arranging and rearranging pillows to sit.
I'm tired of having to rock my way up and out of the couch or bed.
I'm tired of feeling as if I can't get any bigger and than realizing that I am.
I think this time around I feel this because it's impeding things I need to do.  I'm walking more slowly.  My breathing is more labored.  I can't chase after my daughter like I used to.
I know it's temporary but it's all just more apparent this go around.
I love my baby very much and I want to do what's best for him/her but it's also hard to juggle.
Maybe my friends were right about having them within 2 years of each other instead of 3.  Sure you're running around but not as much as with a 3 year old.  There would be more carrying unfortunately but at least it wouldn't be of a child that is 25+ lbs.
Eh, the grass is always greener.  It would be lovely to be 2 years apart but God said that 3 years was optimal for us.  I know that and it will be fine.
I will be able to chase after my daughter soon.  I will be able to climb and swing on the jungle gym with her again.  The waddle will go away.  Soon I'll be chasing after two kids with two different sets of interests, two different sets of friends, two differents personalities.
What a roller coaster ride parenthood is but I've got my unlimited ride wristband and I've got my hands in the air enjoying the ride, most of the time.