Wednesday, June 08, 2011

It started out about anxiety...

I'm having a panic attack. I know it will be fine but I've got this sudden panic that we won't be able to afford ToF. I know that all parents go through this and we will be fine. God will provide. Still, I'm totally freaking out now.
I know it's not just about the financial changes that I'm worried about. I mean, it's 4:26 am and I've been up since 2am because TG had an accident and I refuse to allow the bed linens to marinate. While I'm up, of course, like most moms I'm multi-tasking. The dishes were set to start at 1:30am. I took out the recyclables, did some work for the office, ordered some bike shorts for TG and researched some learning opportunities for TG.
Meanwhile, I woke up DH to ask his help to walk Tasha. {Although I am comfortable with it, I think late night walks should be done by DH.}
I came back from transferring the laundry from the washer to the dryer to find he went back to sleep.
I know DH does a lot. He's got school too to boot. But I also know that a great deal of energy, time and planning is done by the mother. Do I have enough resources to do this?
Can I be a mom to a toddler and newborn without completely losing my mind?
Another example, I just was greeted by my husband coming out of the bedroom asking me to go in to take care of our daughter who got her foot caught between the bed and the wall.
Ok, I get it, I usually do the nighttime parenting but I'm sort of up doing laundry and household chores. Can you help me out here?
I ran down to the basement, grabbed the clothes, threw them in the basket and ran back up.
DH came out and said she's back to sleep but I need to learn to relax.
I'm sorry but that was not what I needed after taking care of dishes, laundry and odds and ends.
I'm not sitting here watching Oprah eating bon boons but maybe that's what I should be doing to 'relax'.
And really, you are telling me to relax when our daughter wakes up crying and you come out to sign language that she's crying and I should go into the bedroom to check on her? What's up with that?
Then you begin to give me attitude that I'm mad at you but I'm not. I'm resigned. This is me. This is pantrygirl. I'm not mad that I'm up doing chores at 4 in the morning. I'm not mad that you generally would rather have me deal with nighttime parenting. I'm not mad you fell asleep and didn't walk the dog. I'm not mad that I'm working (office work) at 4am to make my life easier in the office. I'm mad because at 4am you have the audacity to come outside after coming out to not check up on me but to tell me our daughter is crying, that I should learn to relax. WTH?
Now, you are walking the dog and I'm going to finish this up so I can go to bed because I really don't want to hear you ask me what I'm doing now on the computer because clearly if I'm not physically doing a chore, I'm playing around on the computer.
Argh. Now I am angry.