This past weekend has been an emotional roller coaster for me.
I got my period. This wouldn't be big news except it's been 2 years and 3 months since my last period. Go Breastfeeding!
This is a big thing because it essentially is a message from my body that I'm ready to procreate. Physically, my body is ready to incubate a human being. Emotionally, I'd like to incubate another human being. Realistically, this isn't going to happen anytime soon. Unless God thinks otherwise.
I've always felt a 2 year gap would be perfect timing for siblings. Thinking this way, my body is on schedule but financially this isn't feasible. With my husband changing careers our budget is tight and I can't afford another child right now.
That's the painful part of this whole period. Forget the cramps. Forget the hormonal changes.
Add to this my daughter has begun shortening her night nursings. Instead of all night chows, she only nurses 3-4 times for 20 minutes and then goes back to sleep. It's like a little stab to my heart, my little baby isn't a baby anymore.
My emotions got so ridiculous that at one point when I felt my body telling me AF was arriving, I tried to get my daughter to night nurse all night. It was pathetic. It was a parenting low for me.
Oh and I just finished packing away her 0-12 months clothes and her baby gear to be placed in storage. Tell me that didn't add to my hormonal emotional peaks.
Sure enough AF came the next morning and out in the news comes word that the Duggar mom have baby number 19. The baby is premature so I'm saying a prayer for her but still. Here this woman has 19 kids and I'm asking for #2 but need to hold off.
I shared my emotional jumble with my husband the other night. I pretty much summed it up to him like this. In my teens, all I wanted was my period because it meant I was growing up. In my 20's, all I wanted was my period because I didn't want to be pregnant. After we got married, all I wanted was not to get my period because I wanted to become a mom. Now, after we have had #1, I don't want my period because that's my body saying, "Ok, we're ready for #2." This is freaking ridiculous. I want another child but we aren't ready and of course the Duggar woman just gave birth to #19. In an ideal world, I wanted 3. DH interjected with a 'Three?!' Now I feel like I may not even have two. DH turned to me after my rant and said, "I don't know what to say about your period. We'll find a way to have 2. And as for the the Duggar lady, she's just plain gluttonous. You can't compare yourself to her."
I know he is right but when you're dealing with emotions from AF, you really have no control.
So now, I'm hormonal. AF is here. Christmas is two weeks away and I have 7 more gifts to buy and no money. My daughter has reduced her night nursing. I have no tree up as of yet. I have no cookies made as of yet. And all I keep thinking about is babies.
My husband is going to love me this week.
POSTSCRIPT: Funny how I the first few years I was journaling, I talked about how my husband and I were at a crossroads regarding starting a family. Now, I'm sort of back at that crossroads but in a different level.