Wednesday, October 28, 2009

My life is a never ending list of 'how dos'

And I am tired.
I'm exhausted.
I'm juggling like many moms and I don't think my situation is any different than other moms in a similar boat.
Unfortunately, I feel at times I'm complicating my situation by not addressing a more important matter, the difference in attitude between my spouse and myself. I don't address it correctly. What I do is work around it. Why? Because I know you can never change a person's true self and we're both on opposite ends of the spectrum. It's what makes us great as a couple but also is the source of tension and stress. It's what will help us grow if we work on it together.
I have a tendency to take a backseat. It's part of my theory that women have a tendency towards martyrdom for the sake of peace. Would I rather hear whining and deal with weeks of complaining or just adjust myself and my schedule to accommodate the needs of the family members?
I'm tired.
My day consists of 'how dos'. At work, I'm asked, 'How do you do this?' 'Can you do this?' 'Make this happen.'
At home I'm asked and told, 'How do I do this?' 'I want do do this.' 'Why can't I do this.'
In my brain I hear, 'We need to do this.' 'How can we do this?' 'Can we do this?' Strangely enough, I do say 'we' when I refer to myself. I think it's a coping mechanism. I don't want to admit it really is a solo job here.
To make my life easier, I prioritize and push my needs back.
Problem is, I'm feeling burnt. I'm feeling one sided. It doesn't help that my child is just coming off a cold. Any mom will tell you that when a child is ill, they generally tend to cling to a parent and that parent is usually the mom. It's stereotypical and sexist but I'm finding there is some validity to it.
As soon as I get home I know my child is going to want me and need me with a passion like no other. It's a wonderful feeling but it's also draining when your child becomes an appendage.
There have been times when I've gotten home and cannot take my coat off because she's wanted me to hold her and carry her around. She wants to feel my arms around her. Going to the bathroom with my child on my lap has become a norm for me now.
The moment I step into my house, I know my second shift is in full swing and it doesn't end until I'm out the door the next day.
The reprieve I receive is my commute. Years ago, I worked at the tip of Manhattan and my commute would take at least 50 minutes. I complained about this to no end. Now, I secretly wish the bus or subway would be delayed so I could just get a few extra minutes alone.
A friend of mine called me the other day and cut our chat short. She said, "Call me in ten minutes." I knew though that the moment I walked into my house, my list of to dos would rattle off and I'd be off an running. Spend time with child. Cook dinner. Prepare child's meal. Feed child. Feed myself. Prepare and pack my lunch. Get my child ready for bed. Finish Halloween costume. Do dishes. Write to family. Fill out paperwork. Take a shower. Go to the bathroom. Clear the toys and put away books.
My husband does do a lot but his inability to multitask and his priorities don't mesh with mine and so I do what I can.
I'm just tired and it's showing. There are disconnects now. I'm sure we'll get through it. I just need to get over it. I need to get over and not assume. My problem is I assume that I will receive a reaction and/or no action for a request. This prevents me from asking for more assistance when I should.
It goes back to 'do I live with this' or 'do I live with that'?
My friend would say right now, "Man Up! Both of you!" She's right but she's also the pot to my kettle.
Tomorrow will be a better day. Today is better than others.
I'm just tired.