I've been feeling out of sorts today.
Today it's a battle between me, the mom and wife and me, the individual.
I'm at another point where a woman has to make a decision on what she desires and values.
I can only speak as a woman so don't think me sexist.
I just find that as a woman who desires to be a wife and a mother, there are little branches in our path where we need to make decisions.
It sounds obvious that most moms choose the mom/family path immediately but sometimes there are branches where the decision isn't as clear or as easy to make.
In my case, I think it's a matter of acceptance. I know what I want and choose but I need to accept it.
Now don't give me the 'women can have both'. Yes, women can balance both but you really can't have both. Plus, being a child of the 70's and 80's I've seen what the shoulder pads and boxy suits look like and that isn't me.
I'm not necessarily talking about work but that was the only reference that came into my head.
A few days ago, I wrote about how I gain pride in giving my all to a project, to the point where I try to do everything at least once. When I became mom, I knew my obsessive compulsive and anal retentive tendencies would test me but I found that I easily gave in because I saw the greater good was not that the tables were dustfree but that I got to see my daughter's first smile, first poop face, first taste of green beans, etc...
I still get on my weird, must-do-now kicks but not as frequently and I don't obsess as much because my values have changed. Personally, I think these values have changed for the better.
But what if you hit a crossroad where a true value is tested? What if you are tested? Afterall, life is a test in your values. What would you do? Could you live with yourself? Could you be proud of yourself? Would you live in regret?
One of my biggest annoyances is complacency. How do I fight the feeling of complacency? How do I know if I'm complacent or not? When and How do I pick my battles?
It's weird now because I know in my previous life, I probably wouldn't be feeling the way I feel. I'd know exactly what path I'd take.
I suppose that's what makes this particular crossroad a bit tough for me. I know what path I'm going to take and in a strange way, it's a parting of my old self and new self.
Wow, this past week has been pretty introspective and it's only started.
I suppose you are getting a a cup full of the zaniness that is inside my head.