Thursday, June 11, 2009

Reflections on self and mommyhood

Last week, a friend who hadn't seen me in a while said that I looked more confident, radiant and put together. "Motherhood has really done you well. I think it fits like a glove for you."

Even though she told me this right after a 2.5 hour marathon session of 'baby does not want to sleep but crawl and explore in the dead of night', I swelled with pride. I am proud to be a mom and think one of my reasons for being here is to be a mom.

Since becoming a mom, I've become a better person. I don't sweat the small stuff as much. I'm not as obsessive compulsive and anal retentive. I try to appreciate life more and it really doesn't take much for me to smile and feel joy. One look in my beautiful baby's face and the stresses and worries and aggravations subside.

I'm still learning but I think that's a part of motherhood. If you thought you juggled plates before being a mom, wait until you become one. All of a sudden you are juggling plates while balancing on a ball and smiling.

I think I've grown as a person and will continue to grow and society will be better for it. I've gained some patience, some compassion and some understanding.

I wish I had more energy and time to improve my role as a wife. My husband and I have been together for over a decade before our baby arrived. During that time I babied my husband and I suppose we both liked the arrangement. Now, my attention is more on my baby and I guess I treat my husband more like an adult than he'd like sometimes. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I treated him like a child but that I gave him more leeway and more attention. Now as I'm juggling, I find that my leeway is tighter. I expect a bit more from him. I see him differently. He's always been my partner but I think my expectations for him have changed.

Don't get me wrong. I love him with all my heart. DH is smart, funny, intelligent and has the potential to be whatever he sets his heart to be or do. He's also very opinionated, impulsive and over confident sometimes but that's what attracted me to him I suppose. We all search for partners that balance us out.

After a long day of work and then clocking in for my nighttime parenting shift, I'm super tired and exhausted and find it hard to be as enthusastic about my husband's ability to clean the bathroom when I asked him to do it.

Still I need to try to acknowledge it more. My relationship with my husband doesn't stop because I have a baby.