Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Reflecting on 6 months of parenthood...

I know this sounds odd but I didn't realize how much having a baby would change my relationship with my husband. Don't get me wrong, I think it is changing it for the better. What I mean is I didn't realize how our relationship would be one of the top focuses of my new role as a mother.
Yes, I love watching and documenting my child's growth but in a strange way, I find myself leaning more towards documenting the growth of my relationship with my husband. It's scary, fascinating and something I know for certain I'd like to look back on later in life.
DH and I have started to share our different views regarding parenting. We've been pretty amiable about it and I think for the most part we've begun to try to allow each their opinions and ideas. I think we both know there will be plenty more we'll have differing views on in the future.
I think the hard part will be when we need to have a collective front. I figure that probably will happen during the toddler years. Who am I kidding, my kid is probably formulating ways to use our differences as we speak.
As for now, we share our opinions and try to support each other and find common ground for we both know there is not a set guideline for parenting. The best parenting we can do for our daughter is to be parents and to be human.
As a couple it's very different and I feel a lot of guilt that my husband is not my only priority anymore. Part of this has always been my tendency to put him on the top of my list. I'm slowly realizing I need to put myself on that list too (see my 2009 New Year's three things). Still, after the day is done, I do wish I could be a little more of the old wifey to him. He hasn't expressed that he misses me but I bet he does a bit. Today's exercise in The Love Dare reminded me that I need to not get bogged down on the to dos.
Parenting is probably the hardest job I've had so far and it is an all consuming job. It's not a job you can leave behind at 5pm. Ok, who has a job like that nowadays anyhow. It affects all aspects of your life in ways you had no idea it would. Your relationships are built, destroyed, altered or enhanced by it. Your views and opinions are structured around it. You are defined by it.
Ok, I know everyone says your job shouldn't define you but I have to say parenting does define you. How can it not? Your life changes so much when you become a parent. What you thought before and how you were before becomes this distant persona. How you view life and your values change to the point where who you were and who you are now can be very different.
For me it is. I don't want to spend my life rushing about anymore. I don't want to sweat the small stuff. I don't want to race. I want to savor and cherish. I want to give my time to meaning. I want to focus my energy on what is good or what can become good.