Thursday, January 15, 2009

Failing Miserably

"The art of being yourself at your best is the art of unfolding your personality into the person you want to be... Be gentle with yourself, learn to love yourself, to forgive yourself, for only as we have the right attitude toward ourselves can we have the right attitude toward others." - Wilfred Peterson

It has been 15 days since I choose to live for 2009. How am I doing? I am lapsing so it is time for some pep talking.
I rescheduled my dental appointment to accommodate my family's schedule. I could have held firm as it wasn't an emergency but I relented. I am also sabotaging my haircut because subconsciously I can't believe I am choosing myself over my family.
Right now I am on my way to get my haircut, a free student haircut. I hope I make it in time. I desperately have desired a haircut since I gave birth. I’m tired of my long hair and want something short and easy to care for. Unfortunately taking care of my hair went away along with my manicures, pedicures and occasional baths. Now I’m just happy to get a quick shower in and I ponytail my hair or bun it.
I have to remember that it is important to take care of me. This is for me. I deserve it. It’s not that I don’t value myself. I do value me. It’s just when dealing with my family, sometimes it’s easier for me to make everyone happy and make sure their stuff gets done before my stuff. I can deal with my tantrum for not getting my way better than my family’s. I just put my needs on the bottom and I need to learn to reprioritize and put some of my needs up on top once and a while.
Apparently this isn’t easy for me.
This morning, after a night filled with dreams and checklists of work to-dos floating in my head, I woke up feeling as if there is so much to do. I started going through the lists home and work and quilting myself for wanting to take some time to get my haircut. Why didn’t I do the laundry last night? Why didn’t I write up those emails for work? Why didn’t I give my daughter a bath last night?
I snapped at my husband because while I changed BG’s diaper, fed her, worked on some work emails and bathed her, he slept. I snapped because I expected him to wake up and offer to give her her massage and dress her so I could finish some work and get some breakfast in my belly. Instead he greeted me with, “ why are you bathing her? I need to use the bathroom so bad.” I know. I know. Part of choosing life is also not to have expectations.
I snapped at him for chasing me around the house with my cell phone. Yes, it rings. I’m busy. If it’s an emergency they’ll call back. I will check my voice messages when I’m done. I know he means well. He wants me to carry the phone with me because many times I’ve missed his calls because I’m in another room or working or caring for the baby. But I work full time. When I get home, I have to cook for the family. I have to prepare the solids to teach my baby how to eat. I have to breastfeed. I have to bathe her. I have to get her to sleep. I have to do the dishes. I have to collect the laundry. I have to clean and organize the breast pump and breastmilk. I’m a tired mom. I just need 5 minutes for myself in the bathroom. I don’t want the phone chasing me in the loo.
I know it would be easier if I didn’t need to do so much but I do what I have to to make my family life easier and to get the opportunity to do the things I want to do with my family. I remind myself that there are others that do far more than I do and I also do what I do to make my life easier with my family. Part of making my life easier with my family is to be a sane mom and that means taking a little time for myself.
I shouldn’t feel guilty. I deserve this. My kid deserves this.
Ok, I officially sabotaged my haircut. I missed the appointment for a free flipping haircut. I need to work harder on myself. I am losing my choose to live dare and to top it off DH has no clue who I am sometimes. He thought I was paying for a haircut. I haven’t paid for anything for myself in months. I have to be better on myself.