Thursday, November 13, 2008

Love is Not Rude

I was reluctant to do this exercise only because it required me to discuss what I was doing with my DH. It’s not like I’m hiding it from him. I just know his reaction to this exercise.
Today’s exercise required me to ask him to tell me things that make him uncomfortable or irritate him. At first I didn’t want to do this exercise because I was afraid of what he’d say and how I’d respond.
I finally asked him and his response was, “This. I don’t like taking tests especially relationship tests.” He proceeded to change the subject.
I dropped it.
I suppose the point of the exercise is to learn not to be rude to each other. No matter how long you’ve been with someone, there is something that each of us does that annoys one another. Most of the time we don’t sweat the small stuff but the point of the exercise was to learn the small stuff and make an effort to not do it.
With the hard part done, I let it go and laughed at my apprehension but today I realize the hard part is ongoing.
Today’s exercise was supposed to remind me to guard the golden rule with my spouse, not to have double standards and honor requests. I can’t do these things well without two way communication and clearly I’m doing these exercises on my own which will make it harder.
I need to remind myself not to hold my husband to the same especially since he’s not doing this exercise. This isn’t easy.
For example, I feel as if he’s not honoring my wishes to restrict his personal information that he posts on public sites, including photos of our child. Call me paranoid but my MIL tells me vicious stories. It then simmers the hurt I feel.
Today, I’ve been asking for family photos since our child was 3 months old. I asked him Monday if on Thursday we could take a family photo and he said yes. It’s now 6pm and there was no effort in trying to get the pictures taken. He took care of BG this morning then went to the dentist, got a haircut and is now going to the gym.
Yes, he takes care of our daughter but he knew how much this means to me but instead it was more important for him to schedule a dentist appointment today and then text me to ask me if he can go get a haircut. I’m such a wuss. I should have said, no, you need to come home and get the camera ready for family photos but what happened instead was me texting, “Yes, but can we please take family photos today or tomorrow?” His response, “So does this mean I can’t get a haircut?”
I feel as if my husband has no concern for me or what I would like sometimes. I’ve told him too that I feel as if I come fourth on his list just behind himself, the gym and our daughter.
So how do I handle this and how do I plan to improve these areas? I don’t know. It’s tough, especially since I’m going solo. I feel alone at times and I guess, that’s why I started this endeavor. I don’t want to feel alone and the one who has to always give in for the happiness of the family.
I guess I can turn this exercise around and name three things that my husband does that makes me feel uncomfortable and irritate me and think of ways I can handle it better.
Three things my husband does that makes me feel uncomfortable and irritate me:
1. His time management skills are atrocious. He’s always late, even to my father’s funeral. I’m trying very hard to account for this and prepare everything I can for him so I’m not as irritated. I try to put his keys and wallets in the same place so he can find them readily. I get my daughter and myself ready. I pack snacks and goodies the night before any trip, even small trips to do household errands. Another thing I suppose I can do is walk the dog. If I wake up a little earlier and take the dog, perhaps it would cut his prep time a little.
2. Many times, he will say he will do something for me but usually forgets. For example, he’ll say he’ll do the dishes but he falls asleep before doing them. He texts me if I need anything but either forgets to check his email or forgets to pick up the stuff I asked for. For the first example, I originally gave up on asking him to do the dishes or put away dishes and just resigned myself to waking up in the wee morning and doing them. Instead of doing them at 3am and feeling angry and upset about it, I can leave it there and ask him to do it the next day. Sure, usually he gets cranky as it wasn’t in his mind schedule but I can’t give him one chance only. I need to be patient and mindful that small things don’t need to be done immediately. For the second example, I’ve got nothing. I sort of just tell myself that I really didn’t need the item and make do without it.
3. I don’t have a third readily in mind but I would like to add to my exercise including, trying to walk the dog and be more patient with my husband, I need to look at one good thing every day that my husband does that makes me happy. DH does listen to my concerns when it comes to our daughter. Yesterday, when I came home from the office, he told me what they did and told me that he did turn the tv off. DH does honor some of my requests. He knows I do not believe our child should be sat in front of a tv for more than 30 minutes and he tried to respect it. So every day, I hope to add a thankful prayer for DH.