Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Love believes the best.

I’m breaking out in hives. I’m stressed.
I don’t want to go back to work.
I’m feeling pressure.
I feel the need to not only be a mom but also be a wife and be a worker bee.
I need to be the person working.
I need to be the person making the decisions regarding our daughter. “You’re the one reading the books. You have more knowledge to make the decisions.”
I need to be the person that puts food on the table. “You like to cook.”
I need to be the person that keeps up with the parenting networks in the neighborhood. “You read and talk to the parents to see what’s going on.”
I need to be the person researching and finding bargains.
I lied to my moms’ group last week and said I felt like I had to cook for my family because I felt guilty I had to go back to work. Truth is I feel the need to cook because if I didn’t half our budget would be spent on hotdogs, French fries and cold cuts.
I know my husband loves me but I don’t know if he realizes the pressure I feel. In a lot of ways, I think he thinks tons of people do it why I am I stressed out over it. He’s a type of guy that says, “Things can be far worse so just suck it up and appreciate what you have.”
I try. I am very grateful for the time I’ve had with my daughter. I’m very grateful for loving family and friends. I’m very grateful that God gave me the skills to be a good worker and hopefully a good mother and wife.
I just wish sometimes that my husband was a bit more hands on. Don’t ask me what he needs to do. Don’t just sit in the car while I run around pulling out strollers, bundling our child and packing her bag. Pack some sandwiches every now and then. Do the dishes without me asking. Tell me that you know that it’s hard for me to go back to work but that you appreciate that I am. In short, stop scheduling us around his needs a little bit.
Last night, I commented to my husband that the baby safety seminar in our neighborhood was cancelled and that I had been looking forward to the event. I saw he immediately going to our family calendar and then commented to me, “What’s going on at 5pm?” “I was hoping to go downtown and get a hair assessment to schedule a free hair cut. I haven’t had my hair cut since I was pregnant and am in desperate need of a cut. It shouldn’t take more than an hour and a half.” “Who is going to watch our daughter?” “What do you mean?” “I mean I have to go to a rehearsal.” “Well, I guess I need to take her with me or reschedule. I had this scheduled for a while.” “Your hair looks fine. I like it long.”
I know this sounds ridiculous but I’m friggin’ going downtown for a free haircut. I don’t spend $150 on a haircut. I have students cut my hair, for free, and I’m being made to feel like I didn’t consider the family and his needs?
I’m trying very hard. I know he loves me. I just don’t think he realizes how he can be very self serving. Since he turned 34, he’s been in an ever present mid-life crisis and I just hope and pray that he’s not like his father.
My biggest fear is that I’m going to have to go back to work and work, pump, cook, clean, manage the family calendar, be my family’s advocate, be my husband’s advocate and be the family manager. In short, I need to be super woman. Tons of woman are super woman. I know this and I admire them but can I? How can I get past feeling like this is one-sided? How can I stop feeling like I’m doing this alone? How can I delegate more to my husband without feeling as if I’m setting myself up for disaster.
I’m scared. I’m nervous. I’m tired.
Today’s exercise is to list positives and negatives about my spouse. I need to live in the appreciation room versus the depreciation room. I feel like I love my husband very much. I try to live in appreciation but sometimes I feel like the fool. How is it that I’m the one giving up on my dream? How is it that the moment I became pregnant, it became about his needs and his wishes? How is it that I’m the one that needs to give in or compromise for the sake of our marriage and family? Why can’t I pout? Why can’t I through snarky barbs to get my way? How is it that he doesn’t realize how snarky he can be and how hurtful it is to his wife? How come I’m the one his mom calls to see if we’re ok? Why do I have to be the one that puts the brave face on and says, “Yes, just the normal new parent tension but we have a strong foundation and we will get through this together.” Why is it when I bring this up he gets defensive and tells me that it’s always his fault?
Anyway, here is my list:
He is an optimist.
He thinks anything can be overcome.
He doesn’t sweat the small stuff.
He has enough confidence and self worth to fill a water tower.
He doesn’t care what anyone says about him.
He knows what he wants and doesn’t care what anyone thinks.
He attends church with me.
He loves me.
He loves our daughter.
When he wants something he does what he has to get it.
He will attend something for the family if I ask him too, for the most part.
He says he never wants to lie to me and I believe he hasn’t.
He makes our daughter smile.
He tells me what he’s doing all the time.
He tries to make me happy.
He tells me he loves me at least once a day.
He strives to be the better person to people that have hurt him.
He defends me and stands ups for me and waits until we are alone to question me.
He occasionally tells me I’m attractive looking.
He thinks of my feelings when it comes to his interactions with other women.

So which list was easier to make? The positive list. Why? I think it made me feel better and it became easier for me as I listed more items. They flowed in like running water. The negative list weighed me down and made me more itchy.
What does this reveal? I would like to say that I like the positive and enjoy thinking about the positives more than the negatives even though the negatives seem to dominate my concerns and thoughts of late. The qualities I admire about my husband can also be the qualities that annoy me. In a way, I wish I was a bit more like my husband.

So today, I need to take one item on my positive list and thank him for it. I did thank him for loving me but I think I should thank him for something else too. I’ll postscript it.

Today’s Thankful:
Today, I’m thankful for my husband doing the dishes this morning. I don’t think I asked him to do it the night before either. It was nice to hear the dishwasher running this morning and I didn’t have to pack it.