Sunday, October 05, 2008

Living in a cloud, afraid of the unknown


"But I will trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." -- Psalm 13:5-6

BG is slowly tolerating the infant car seat/stroller but now I’m thinking we should look to purchase an umbrella stroller. The infant car seat is great for quick trips to the car or to the local shops but as the weather gets cooler and she continues to grow, the sling and Baby Bjorn aren’t going to cut it.

I just purchased the fleece cover for the Bjorn to help keep her legs and feet warm but I’m sure there will come a time when my back will appreciate a stroller.

The hunt for a stroller got me thinking about another big ticket item I should prepare for, the convertible car seat.

With my husband’s layoff, I’ve been so miserly with my spending. We have different spending styles and it’s been leading to some conflicts. I try to be understanding but it hasn’t been easy.

I’ve had to stop my research as I’ve been met with another surprise. After weeks of asking my husband’s help with arranging the baptism, my husband has decided that the small informal get together should include more people.

In less than 7 days, he would like to change the sit down brunch to a buffet. He’d like to invite a gagillion more people and he’d like to have it in our tiny apartment. The apartment that I love but do not consider homey ever since my first trimester when he had a handyman come in to repaint, pull up the carpeting but later put patches back on the floor for our arthritic dog and he rearranged all the furniture to the outskirts of the entire room.

All my pictures and photos have been packed away. All my furniture is sitting on patches of carpeting. This change made me realize I’ve been feeling like I’ve been in limbo for so long. After delivering my beautiful baby girl, I gave up on my apartment. I love my apartment but to protect myself, I began detaching myself.

I told myself to focus on my baby and my breastfeeding concerns and difficulties. The apartment got worse and worse but I figured that it was my tolerance level getting to me. To this day, the apartment is what I deem my husband’s apartment. Yes, it bothers me a bit at the same time it’s not my focus.

Now with my husband taking over the baptism planning I feel comfortable enough to say that I’ve been living in a sad semi-depressed state. At first I thought it was me just focusing on my child but the truth is my child is keeping me going. There has been so much going on since the delivery that any person in my shoes would feel down and blue.

Along with the normal post partum concerns (breastfeeding, hormonal surge, new mom anxieties), I’ve been met with some surprises (credit fraud, layoff, family crazies, illness and pet health issues to name a few) and have learned a lot about my goals, dreams and desires and the reality of things.

I had a lot of romanticized images of my post partum period. I had many preconceived ideas of parenthood. I’ve changed. I’m not the same person that I was before and that has changed my perception.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I’m alone. I’m afraid but I keep telling myself that God will guide me. I shouldn’t feel like I should be the conductor all my life. There will be times I’ll be the passenger and I need to trust the conductor.