1 Month , 1 Week & 6 Days
Baby Blues by Rick Kirkman & Jerry Scott
I woke up this morning in desperate need to clean my house. For the last month, I have done little if any house cleaning. Normally my compulsiveness would drive me to dust, tidy and vacuum daily. With half my house packed in boxes and in storage, the furniture rearranged by my husband, our daughter and my own health to tend to, the tumbleweeds of furballs coating my floors didn’t irk me as they normally would.
This morning, although I wasn’t compulsive, I still needed to clean the house a bit. The trouble for me is trying to do it when DH isn’t looking. He feels the limited time I have when BG isn’t attached to me should be spent resting, eating, pumping or caring for myself. I know he is right and he means well. His execution of his concerns though sometimes irks me. He gets very upset at me and becomes very insistent to the point where it upsets me and I cannot rest . Who can rest when they are forced to rest?
Anyway, the stars must have aligned somehow because after a marathon nurse, sleep, nurse, sleep session from 4am-8am, DH said he’d watch and feed BG. He started by taking her with him for the morning dog walk. I took the opportunity to pump as I’m supposed to pump as much as I can prior to my surgery. Unfortunately, since two days ago, my pumping sessions have led to a decrease again from an average of 3-4 ounces each session to 2-3 ounces. I’m think positively and saying it’s 2-3 because she’s been on my breast more these last few days.
When he returned he continued to care for BG and feed her. I took the opportunity to eat breakfast. While I was in the kitchen, I hurriedly wiped the counters and stove, cleaned the bottles and pump supplies, wiped and cleared the dining room table, restocked the paper supplies and ate my lunch. The dishwasher would have to wait.
Then I went to the bathroom to take a shower. I brought with me cleaning supplies and cleaned the toilet, sink and bathtub. Afterwards, I went to the bedroom to get dressed. While there, I quickly dusted and cleaned the mirrors. I grabbed my laundry and brought it outside.
DH was just about finished with BG’s feeding. I ran to the foyer, dusted the bookcase and then took the trash from the cleaned rooms and brought it to the front door for disposal.
By that time, DH had BG in the bassinet for a nap. I suggested he go to the gym and he prepared to go. As he was packing his bag in the bedroom, I quickly cleared the clutter in the living room and did a quick dusting. By that time, BG had woken up, as she only naps lightly in the AM. I put her over my shoulder and finished picking up some organizing the clutter in the living room.
By the end of the day, I was also able to do a load of BG’s wash and my wash, put away the dishes in the dishwasher and with DH’s help, the recyclables were taken out. It made me feel much better. Now, if I can get some vacuuming done.
I think the compulsion came because tomorrow is my surgical procedure. I'm guessing subconsciously, I want to get things in order.
My mom visited today as well. She brought lunch and some extra food which will ensure I have some sustenance to keep me going tomorrow as my outpatient procedure is tomorrow. I didn’t tell my mom of the procedure. Partly because to protect her and not have her worry and partly because I was afraid I’d break down and tell her everything that is has been cluttering my brain.
I’m not very close to my mother and I try not to share too much because 1) she over reacts and 2) she truly loves me and will over react and 3) she get very upset and obsess over it.
It was a nice visit. DH came home in the middle of her visit and she was thrown for a loop. My mom and my husband are very strong minded individuals and frequently butt heads. It’s in the best interest for me to keep them from hanging out for long periods of time. She pulled me aside and asked me why he was here and I danced around the lay off. I don’t want her to worry or develop something out of it especially after DH has made it clear to our family that he’d like to be a SAHD.
I think I surprised my mother with how I was caring for BG. “Only a child’s mother would stick her finger in her diaper, pull it out and smell it. Mom’s do crazy things out of love and it seems natural and normal.”
I think I surprised myself with how I reacted to my mom’s usual comments that are strangely biting. “You are spoiling her, you know. I can tell because she doesn’t like being put down.” “Yes, mom.” My mom has a way of making me question my parenting skills but today I felt fairly confident. I’m not looking to be the perfect mom. I’m just being a mom to my daughter. I know now, it’s learn as you go. As someone once told me, “Every new mom desires to be the best mom, not perfection and you know what? You are the best mom because in her eyes, you are the best mom no matter what.”
I also noticed that my mom is only speaking in Chinese while she is visit now. I think it’s her way of trying to instill the language to our daughter. Whatever. As long as she develops a well versed vocabulary in English and doesn’t develop an accent or grammatical issues, I have no qualms.
With everything going on and yesterday’s epiphany, I’m suddenly second guessing myself and wondering if I am martyring myself? The better question is, do I want to martyr myself? Sounds strange but it could be a possibility. I come from a culture where besting one’s self sacrifice is a national pastime among women.
I’ve fought and continue to fight against certain attributes like the above with my mother. Could I have the same trait? Please let me not have it. I’ve fought and continue to fight against any genetic predisposition to depression. Let me not have this ugly trait as well.
I sat BG in the corner of our couch and she stayed sitting up while DH took photographs.
For the first time, I made silly faces and sounds at my BG to try to get a reaction shot during said photo session. Yes, I made toot sounds and puffed up my cheeks like a chipmunk.
BG dislikes tummy time but likes to look in the mirror now.
Please don’t let this and the fact she likes watching me brush my eyebrows be a sign of vanity in the future. Lol.