Thursday, July 10, 2008

These puppies shouldn’t just be ornamentals, should they?

3 days old

One of the toughest challenges I’m having is breastfeeding. I knew it would be tough. Again, with everything else with parenthood, I didn’t know it would be this tough.

First, the sleep count, I’m still extremely sleep deprived. I’m still in the ‘wake-up-every-20-minutes’ stage of new mommyhood. You know, where you wake up freaking out because you don’t see your child, you can’t hear her and think the monitor is broken, have to check for breathing and fear you’ll sleep through her crying because you are so darn exhausted.

I know it’s all irrational but I’m still there.

Add to this that my episiotomy stitches are starting to really hurt. I’ve been living off of Dermoplast like it’s crack. I had hubby go out and buy another can for fear I’d run out. Of course I still have 2 cans but the pain is bad.

I’m also nervous about burning and infections so I’ve been using the peri bottle religiously, probably too much. It’s like a ritual now going to the bathroom. I have my little kit and I shuffle to the bathroom and do my thing. At least I have some consistency, right? Ha

Uterine contractions aren’t so bad but then again I’m telling myself the contractions are there to shrink my uterus back to its pre-pregnancy state. I guess that helps me cope with the cramps.

Now back to my breasts. Holy Toledo they hurt. They hurt like there is no tomorrow. They are hot to the touch, feel like they are going to explode and leaking something awful whenever BG cries, which is often, mind you. Hubby says it’s not that often but when your breasts leak out clear liquid every time, anything over two times in a day is often.

I’ve been placing warm compresses on them and was fortunate enough to be able to take a shower for the first time since I got home. I took the shower massager and turned it onto that pulsating mode and just let that sucker rip all over my breasts. Lord that felt good.

I’m still nervous because I don’t see white milk like stuff coming out and I’m fearing she’s losing too much weight. The pediatrician said that she’s down 9 ounces and she wants me to supplement but continue the breasts. Some folks don’t get milk until the 5th-7th day. I’m totally obsessing over my breasts and producing milk for my child at this point.

I’ve kept a diary of feedings and poops and pees. It has become obsessive compulsive. I cannot sleep without reading it and reviewing it. I know this isn’t good. I closed the book up and put it away. I need to stay focused. Baby first. Give baby her needs. I’m positive though if I just got some sleep I’d feel better and my breasts would produce nutrients for her.

Today was also our first pediatrician appointment. I really like our pediatrician but I’m so tired, concerned with pee, poop and boob and again, alone Hubby couldn’t find parking and by the time he parked the car, we were done. I can’t think straight. We schedule a 1 week follow up to monitor weight.

I explained my concerns about my breasts and her weight. I also mentioned the breastfeeding class I took now makes me feel like I’m the only one who has a baby that doesn’t know what to do with my boobs. I told the lactation consultant at the hospital I thought something was wrong with my nipple. She laughed for about 2 minutes. I also told her the lactation consultant I saw every day at the hospital was so inundated with patients, I didn’t feel she properly had time for me and just rushed me.

She gave me a number of a woman she recommends who makes house visits. It’s a bit pricey but worth it. I take it home sort of feeling like a failure and reliving my mother’s words that I’d have problems with my milk production. I feel awful and hubby knows it. He’s trying to be a cheerleader but I know he’s thinking life would be easier if I just use formula. Why is it men think c-sections and formula are the way to go? Still he appeases me and continues to assist with finger feedings.

Oh, did I mention the edema? Holy crap, the IV and the pitocin have caused me to swell so badly. I feel awful, I think I look awful and I’m just plain in a crappy mood. Again, if I could just sleep I’m sure I’d feel better and things would have a better outlook.

The only high point of the day was when we took BG to see Sister Adelina. Sister gave me a piece of relic to bring with me to the hospital. I brought it with me and on the date of St. Francis Cabrini’s canonization as the first American saint, I gave birth to our daughter. I wanted to thank her for her prayers and intentions and tell her that I believe that St. Francis Cabrini is a personal protector of my daughter.

When we got there, they were so happy to see us, Sister touched our baby girl with another piece of relic and said a prayer for her. It made me feel good that we brightened Sister’s day with our brief visit.

First hiccups outside the womb. She has this look of what’s up with this? It’s so cute.
First sponge bath