Monday, July 14, 2008

Parenthood means a shift from Couplehood, sort of.

Baby Blues by Rick Kirkman & Jerry Scott
7 days old

On giant step forward; one step back. Last night hubby and I were so stressed we fought again. He said he needed sleep and all I could think of was, “You need sleep? Are you freaking kidding me? I need a vacation. Let me give you my breasts, pump and episiotomy stitches and I’ll be back in three weeks.”

Now, before I continue, I’ll have you know, hubby and I expected we’d be at each other’s throats these first few weeks. I just don’t think we expected it would be so emotional and personal. I mean, for me at least, I know I’m being snippy and I see it but it just has to come out. For him, I’m not sure. Anyway, in the end after one of has received sleep (usually hubby), we kiss and make up. We always wind up hugging and kissing. We make it a long embrace. Just as the baby loves skin to skin contact, during these stressful periods, adult parents need it as well. Heck, I’m pretty sure, I’d be quite comfortable being swaddled and rocked to bed right now.

So my tip for any woman or man who is entering parenthood, at the end of your fight, hug and kiss and remind each other just how much you guys love each other. If you think about it, both of you are in this argument because of the love you feel for each other. Kind of scary and soothing, isn’t it?

Anyway, the fight dragged onto the morning. I was at wits end. I had been up since 3am with no break as BG didn’t stop crying. BF’g has become a dreadful chore. Hubby wakes up and finds me in the living room crying while rocking our daughter. The fight continues and I cry some more and spill my guts out about how I feel alone. He gets upset and says I’m making it sound like he’s abandoned me. I tell him it’s very difficult to understand what I’ve gone through physically, mentally and emotionally the last week. I tell him he’s had ‘me’ time but I haven’t and that I’m kicking myself for always saying yes to him. He says he doesn’t and doesn’t want to fathom it but that I shouldn’t allow him to have ‘me’ (which he doesn’t think is ‘me’ timt. time just to use against him later.

I cried some more. He made breakfast. Then he asks me to go apartment hunting today with the baby. I went to take a shower and cried.

While in the car waiting I break down and call my friend and release my frustrations. “Sounds like you feel like you’re trying to care for his needs when he should be caring for you right now. You need to stop taking care of him. You need to take care of BG and unfortunately yourself at this point.”

Hubby drags an idiot of a real estate agent into our car who gets us lost in his ‘district’. He shows us a three bedroom apartment smaller than my current apartment but hubby loves it because it’s cheap and has a terrace.

The agent tries to take us to another apartment, gets us lost and BG is crying the entire time. I give my husband the signal to go home. He cancels the go see and proceeds to yell at me for agreeing to go to the open houses when I knew very well I wasn’t ready for them. I start to cry again.

I ask him to not go home with me but to go and do what he needs to do but he refuses. Why is it men hang around when you clearly need some space? Do they think by hanging around they are going to make us feel better?

I get home, feed the baby and ask him if he contacted the Lactation Consultant? Our neighbor wasn’t home and he forgot to ask again. My hormonal self adds this to another thing he forgot to do for me. I know it’s wrong. I know he’s not forgetting on purpose but still feel it’s a bit selfish.

He finds out the number, calls and leaves a message. I review my pediatrician notes and it’s the same LC she recommended. I’m still apprehensive but at this point I know I need to know for certain what I can do and what I can’t for my baby.
Oh and hubby relieved me to take a short walk to the local supermarket. It’s the first time I set foot outside without BG. It feels good yet it takes me 20 minutes to get to the shops which are 2 blocks away. The stitches and cramps are slowing me down. At one point I consider calling a taxi to just go home. I take breaks against post boxes.

I make it to the supermarket and promptly pick up much needed mommy provisions: creamsicles, and chocolate ice cream. Mom can’t have vodka yet so Haagen Daaz will do.

I make it home after a brief vent to a friend via cell. Now if I can just get a nap in.
BG’s umbilical cord fell off early this morning. Am I/Should I do something with it?