Wednesday, May 21, 2008

My husband is a better person than I am.


I say that with sincerity, a little jealousy, a lot of disappointment in myself and a bunch of sadness I can’t be what he is to me.

My husband for the most part has always supported my endeavors like a pep squad captain. When I was offered a chance to compete in a cook-off, he encouraged me and even ran and got me butter, when I ran out. So what if he spent a small fortune on every type of butter in the grocery store.

When we had a pregnancy scare early into our relationship, without batting an eye he said assuredly, “We will get through whatever happens, you and me.”

When I was absolutely miserable at my old job, he tried everything from buying me 1,000 things to be happy about to actually finding job listings in my field and emailing them to me.

When we finally were blessed with a child, albeit a bit earlier than we expected, his initial reaction like most men was, “Are you sure?” Still, he was stoic. He sent me flowers and a little love letter, something he hadn’t done in years. When it was confirmed, he was shocked and took it like a man. He cleaned the house, got a family car, researched cameras and safety gear. He attended doctor’s appointments and asked typical guy questions, “Is the baby ok? You see everything, right? All parts are accounted for?” I could tell he was scared but he never faltered to show me his strong side when my hormones got the best of me.

When we discovered the sex of our baby, the anticipation in his eyes was genuine. For the first time, I saw excitement in his eyes. I was comforted by his enthusiasm. I became teary eyed when pure joy came through his voice when he said for the first time, “I have a daughter.”

He’s never made me feel foolish or stupid or unable to accomplish a goal I’d set for myself. When I needed someone to bolster me and tell me I can do it, he was the first one there leading my own personal cheer.

That’s why I feel like a heel. I can’t be the rock that he has been for me. I can’t hide my fears. I can’t mask my apprehensions. I can’t pretend I don’t have ideals that are the opposite of his.

I can’t go into detail just yet but in short, my husband wants us to change our lifestyle temporarily in order to move towards another direction that hopefully will be for the better. This change would include moving to a less desirable but more affordable neighborhood, possibly relying on someone who may have best intentions but not the physical capacity to care for our child and a reduction in time spent together.

All of these items will be temporary and would hopefully allow us to reach a bigger goal.

The long and short of it is I’m scared. I know he’s scared. He’s told me he’s scared but he’s sure this will end positively. If the shoe were on the other foot, he would cheer me on without an inkling of doubt. That’s where I feel awful. I can’t and don’t have the means to do the same for him.

I can live with stretches of time apart from each other. I just can’t grasp the relocation to a less than desirable area and reliance on someone I think may lead to larger relationship problems in the end.

Call me a prude, a conceit, a snob. I don’t want to move an hour away from my job to a neighborhood that may not be a crack den but isn’t better than what I had as a child.

I know if I close the door to this plan, I close the door to my husband’s dream. Sure there are other ways to accomplish his dream but they are much harder and will take longer and he’ll be unhappy.

How do I suck it up? “Me being a little unhappy is better than you being miserable.” I know he said that as a slight but it doesn’t make it hurt less. How do I gain the strength to trust in him wholeheartedly and follow? I know he’d never put us in jeopardy on purpose. I know the end goal is for the bettermint of the family. His number one priority is the family but that doesn’t make the fear, the apprehension, the feeling of taking two steps backwards go away.

How do I trust in something that scares me and that goes against what I thought and wanted my life to be? How do I let go of my dreams of my life and wake up to the reality of what we have? How do I stop being chicken and take the risk? How do I take that first step? How can I be so awfully selfish and chicken? How can I be a better person, wife and friend to a person I love? How can I not be more supportive of my love's desires? How do I let go and throw all my chips in the pot and hope for a royal flush?