Thursday, April 03, 2008

Hormones and Anxieties hitting a peak


It’s been awhile since I wrote. To be honest, I’ve wanted to but I’ve been riddled with anxiety and stress. I knew writing it down would make me feel better and rationalize the entire muddle in my brain but it felt so personal and so internal, I felt reserved.

Between work and your due date coming along, I felt like a ticking time clock was hanging over my head. I felt pressured. Then there has been some craziness going on that I can’t get a hold off with your Grandmas that is driving me batty.

To add to this, I heard some news I wasn’t too happy to hear this week. This news and everything else has made me feel as if I had no control or understanding and it scared me.

One thing you will learn, Miss Bean, is that your mom has OCD. She likes to feel like she has some grasp of things. She may not have total control, nor does she want it, but she likes to know that she understands why things are the way they are and some guidance on how to handle it.

I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous. There are some things I understand I will never understand. For example, why do some people have common sense and some don’t. Why is it called common sense?

There are things that I understand that I have no control over. For example, I understand that elevated progesterone will cause my brain to feel mushy at times. I won’t have control over this but I shouldn’t stress over it as my brain will come back and multi-tasking will return.

But that same understanding still doesn’t make it any easier for me to deal with sometimes.

I know this is practice for me. When you come to this world and as you grow, there will be things I have no control over and I must understand and let go. I can’t plan for everything. I think your dad will be a great help with this. He isn’t a big planner like me. He goes with the flow.

I guess what I’m saying is I’m learning and I’ll continue to learn as you learn. Let’s try to do this together without driving each other mad. You will be new to this world and I will be new to the mommy world. Like your dad and I, I hope you and I can complement each other and help each other grow.

I’ll try to be more open and honest and not enclose myself as I have the last few days. It doesn’t feel good and I shouldn’t have to stuff it all away.