Today I danced. I put on my iPOD and danced around my living room. I danced around with my bopping belly to Jackson Five and Aretha Franklin.
Ever since then Miss Bean has been doing what I can only describe as a Cirque de Soleil routine. At one point I felt like something was pushing my ribs up.
I got sweaty and clammy. My synapses started misfiring. I misread things. It was scary. I felt like my heart rate was high. After 3 cups of water, I started returning to normal.
I don’t think the sweaty/clammy thing was related to the dancing or the Cirque de Soleil though. I figured since I’m just rambling, I might as well note that weird incident.
Oh, I had another weird dream. I dreamt that your dad and I were asleep on a full size hospital bed and I gave birth while he was asleep. I gave birth alone in the dark with just a night light. There were no nurses or doctors, just me. After I gave birth I kept wondering if it really happened. I turned to your dad and nudged him awake and said, "I think I just gave birth." He grunted and rolled over and hugged his pillow. Oh and it was June 2nd. Bizarro.
I’m adding this to my other nutty pregnancy dreams. There was the James Caan ballroom dancing with your PoPo dressed in the dress your MaMa wore on my wedding. This was happening while a ghost in a mansion was chasing me in an empty theatre. Then there was the giving birth to a pale kidney bean dream. I know there were more strange dreams but I really don’t recall them at this moment.
Each time I have these funky dreams, I make it a point to tell your dad. Oh, there have been two dreams where your dad did something scary that made me wake up in a cold sweat. I wake up knowing it was a dream and I’m just hormonal. Still a reassuring, “It’s just a dream, dear. I’m here for you,” would be nice. Your dad being the practical man that he is just turns around and hugs his pillow.
You’re up on my ribcage again. Wow. You are really moving around today.
Anyway, today I begin my last week of my second trimester. This is kind of scary for me. I’m heading towards the inevitable. Don’t get me wrong. I love you and I can’t wait to meet you in July but I’m scared.
Pregnancy is about taking care of you from the inside. When you come out to this world, I can only protect you so much. Plus, I know I’ll make mistakes. Will I know what to do? I know they’ll be times you will be mad at me. There will be times I will be mad at you. Will I be a good mom? Will I be able to stop thinking of just myself? Will I be able to juggle work and you and dad? Will I be a good mom while still pursuing my career? Will I disappoint you?
Then there is the fear associated with pain and labor. What’s going to happen to my body? Will I be able to handle it? Am I going to be strong? Will I know what to do?
Am I deluding myself? I keep saying everyone has gone through this. I am not reinventing the wheel. Still, the idea of going through labor is scary. I must do it alone. Sure I have your dad and doctors and nurses there to support me but essentially I’m doing the majority of the work.
What if I can’t push you out? What if I have prolonged labor? I know it’s stressful for you. I don’t want to prolong it for you. What if I’m not strong enough?
I know once we start our classes and I stop reading all the labor chapters and books, I’ll feel a bit better. Classes start next month. Until then, I try to reassure myself.
Miss Bean, I don’t mean to scare you. I’m guessing this is completely normal and I’m
sure these feelings will pass.
I’ve started working on your birth announcements and yes, your baptism invitations. I know I’m jumping the gun. Your dad laughs when I talk about it but it makes me happy. Dad keeps telling me to slow down but your baptism means a lot to me and it keeps me from freaking out about other things I have no control over, like if your crib will be delivered in time.
I think I am going to ask your uncle to help me with the photos for your announcements. Your uncle is a good photographer and has this super cool camera.
I’d like to have a family photo including a solo photo of you on our announcements. I’m still sketching the designs.
I know, I should think of ordering announcements. I just can’t get myself to think of doing that. I’ve always made my cards. It will hard not to do something for you as well. Yes, Miss Bean, I think we may be making cards together in the future.
Your mom is a scrapbooking, card making, arts and crafts gal. I see construction paper, glitter and crayons in your future.