Monday, February 04, 2008

Uncertainties wearing me thin.

Baby Bean, I know you can hear things now. Your reactions to certain things have made that a fact. Loud noises, low frequency songs and my voice sometimes elicits a reaction from you.

The most astounding reaction comes on Sunday when we sing at church. You seem to really like moving around during songs. It makes me feel really nice inside that you can hear and participate in you own way.

I know your dad has been anticipating when he can start feeling you move around. In time, little one. You have a bit more growing to do. Get strong. Eat and tell me what you need to have strong muscles and organs.

I’ve been wondering what kind of parent will your dad and I be. Your dad and I have been preparing for your arrival a bit differently than I thought we would. I guess, you read all these books and it sounds like all you do from the moment you find out your pregnant is to plan for the baby.

I feel terribly slow because I have no desire to go buy baby gear yet. It’s not that I don’t think you should have it. I just dread the whole baby gear thing. There is so much to get and worry about. Is it safe? Is it childproof? Will it grow with you? Should we get a multi-tasker or a uni-tasker?

Dad had a jump start looking for homes for you and all. He’s big on the backyard. I’ve always pictured living in a house when I became a parent but buying and selling a house takes time. It’s a lot of work and it seems as if we’re not getting anywhere. I think your dad is going another direction but hasn’t told me.

I wouldn’t mind so much but with everything in my life right now, I feel like I’m in limbo. Am I staying in Manhattan or moving out? Are you a girl or a boy? Am I doing the right things to keep you healthy as best I can?

Dad’s spell of new car for baby, new house for baby and new camera for baby has now turned introspective. I think that’s normal and I have no problems whatsoever but now I’m wondering if I’m not doing enough to prepare for you.

I’ve voiced my lack of enthusiasm for baby gear. Should I be more maternal? Should I be demanding to setting up a nursery? Should I be working on the registry? Should I be signing up for classes? Should I be interviewing pediatricians? Should I be writing up my birthing plan? Should I be investigating day care?

I feel ill prepared. I feel like Dad’s preparing by doing his thing. He’s planning trips and doing his thing. I’m rushing home to pack boxes just case we move and even that’s uncertain.

I know this will pass and that things don’t always go as planned but honestly, I wish I had a foothold on something.

If I knew where we’d be in July, at least I can plan accordingly. I’d focus day care, pediatricians and classes around Manhattan. I’d finish my admitting packet and sign up for birthing classes and breast feeding classes.

I feel lost.