Monday, January 14, 2008

I'm a Mini Cooper incubating a Mini mini Cooper

I spent the afternoon wallowing. I've been pretty proud of my belly. I know it's bigger than most woman's belly's at 14 weeks but the doc told me that it's normal for a short, petite, short torso woman.
Outside of work, I’m loving my belly. I’m hugging and rubbing my belly. I may even flaunt it. At work, I’m a bit more self conscious. I’m not sure why.
Today during lunch a friend, and she means well said, “Wow, you are getting big.” Then I spoke to my mom and she said for the umpteenth time, “You are really big for your dates.”
Now images of me as a rollie pollie are stuck in my head. If I look like this at 14 weeks what the heck am I going to look like at 42 weeks?
Should I hold off on the extra cheese on my cracker? Should I reduce my pasta? Should I slow down on the potatoes my bean loves so much?
“Remember, this is the time to enjoy the fact you can eat whatever you want. Ok, whatever is safe for the baby but that includes a lot of things, “ my husband said.
Why do I care so much what people think of what I look like now? I feel like I’m in junior high school again.
I went home feeling a bit conflicted. Yes, I want the best for my baby. I am incubating it. I should feed my body appropriately. But, maybe I’m going to gain 60 lbs like Goldie Hawn’s kid. What if I do that? I don’t have a personal trainer to help me lose it. Would it be fair to deny myself food because I think I’m gaining too much too quickly? What if the nausea and light headedness kicks in again? That’s got to be my body telling me I should fuel up. Why else would it give me those symptoms?
I went to my trusty humor book to keep me in perspective. A Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy isn’t on my bookshelf to provide me much information but more as a reality check when the pregnancy insanity kicks in.
I reread the section on weight gain and exercise. I will admit that I did say that once the 3 month haze lifted I’d be back at the gym like she did. Then I had that scare with the discharge that totally freaked me out. During the first month, I kept my routine of daily 1 hour sessions at the gym. Well, days after I’d get a lot of scary stuff coming out of me. The doc told me to cut back on the gym and hold off until he ok’d it.
That wasn’t hard as 1) the weather got colder, 2) I was so tired, I could barely make it home sometimes and 3) I was so darn scared of the discharge.
Two months pass and he green lights me to head back to the gym. I’d love to get that feeling I get when I finish a nice workout but now I’m scared. I wasn’t a power gym-er. I didn’t lift 20 lb weights and do 80 pushups but I did like the treadmill and bike. I even liked sit-ups and crunches but I stopped those immediately when I found out I was pregnant. I’m just terrified I might do something I shouldn’t.
Anyway, Vicki Iovine wrote, “From one little egg that you have had in your body since you were born, and one little sperm that your husband manufactured on the spur of the moment, you are expected to create an entire person. I’m talking arms, legs, heart, lungs, eyelashes and your uncle Harry’s big ears. If you don’t think that can be tiring, then you are a pretty invincible woman, and not someone I yearn to spend much time with.”
That one line made me laugh so hard, I felt better and less self conscious. Heck, I’m making a human being in my tiny 5’3” body. What the heck should people expect? I’m a compact car and I’ve got to shift things to make room for a baby inside me. Yes, it’s only 14 weeks but where the heck am I supposed to fit my intestines, bladder, stomach and uterus? Something has got to give and for me it starts with my waist. Yes, I look like all round and ball-like but that’s my organs making room.
I felt a bit better about myself.
Then I went to the bathroom. Ok, remember, I said I didn’t know how much I’d be willing to share? Well, apparently, I have no shame now. I just finished dropping kids off at the pool when for a brief, the briefest of brief, moments, I felt like something was tapping around my belly button. I’m not talking gas bubbly, I’m talking like something inside flicked my belly button. Then it stopped.
Was that you Bean? Holy cow, was my first sensation of you in a bathroom? It was the weirdest feeling. I could be wrong and it could just be gas or shifting of my organs or even stretching but it felt like a flick. I’m pretty sure nothing has ever flicked me from inside of myself before.
I’ll speak to my doc again about my growing belly but I’m going to try to forget the self conscious pre-teen pg and just enjoy the entire ride. Everybody is made differently and I should be happy for my growing belly. I mean, it’s holding one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received.