Monday, June 11, 2007

so I had to drop some kids off at the pool at work...

Warning: I'm not too proud of this post but it has to be shared. It's quite embarrassing and gives you a glimpse into my neurotic tendencies.

...and being the self conscious pooper that I am, I didn't want to do so in my normal spot. Now, it’s not like I want to deny the fact I’m human and as the good book says, “Everybody Poops”. I just don’t need everyone in my office to know I’ve done so.

I have a plethora of bathrooms to choose from in my office. Some are single unisex rooms. Others are ‘public’ facilities. Any of these bathrooms are fine but when it comes to extended stays, I prefer to walk across adjoining buildings to a seldom used public facility tucked in a turnaround of a building pass-through on my floor.

It’s not like I hunt for bathrooms, folks. I just happened to notice it one day on my way back from a meeting and adopted it as my ‘private’ spot.

Today my privacy was shattered. After extreme denial or the lack of will, I finally resigned myself to doing the number two while at work. It was 1:25pm and I knew my body wouldn’t be able to hold out until I got home. Don’t tell me it’s bad for me. I couldn’t control my body but at least I’d have some privacy at my special ‘under the cupboard’ bathroom.

I started my walk when I passed the pantry and out walks a woman wearing black kitten mules. Ok, I notice shoes first. I can't help it. I'm vertically challenged with a addiction for fine footwear. Sue me. I’ve seen her on the floor but don’t know personally. She smiles at me, we do our customary acknowledgement nod and we proceed the polite ignore as we share the walk space to our destinations.

As the ‘urge’ began to take control, I quickened my steps and shot past her but I could still hear her sandals clack in the not to far distance. I turned the corner to head towards the annex and the pass-through. She kept up in time. Am I imagining this? Is she going the same way? She couldn’t possibly be heading where I’m heading.

I make it to the pass-through, pull out my id, swipe the card through and open the door hurriedly. Normally I allow the hydraulics to shut the door normally but to avoid the embarrassment of having this familiar stranger know I walk past 3 bathrooms and a building to go do my business I closed it shut.

As I grabbed the lever to shut the door, I heard quickened steps. I closed it forcibly but not violently and bee lined around the corner to the bathroom. I headed to the last stall in a row of 6.

As I shut the stall, I relaxed every so slighty. Then I heard the bathroom door open and familiar sandal clatter coming towards my stall. Then the stall immediately next to me slammed shut. Could it be? Could that lady share the same secret? Why did she walk all the way to this bathroom and why out of the 5 available stalls did she pick the one immediately next to mine?

I carefully looked down and saw the black pair of kitten mules I was admiring as she left the pantry. Forget the urge, I now felt I had to cover myself and do my business quickly and leave. I couldn’t possibly obtain the goal I had initially at this point. My brother is calling me an idjit at this very moment. I tinkled, flushed the toilet, washed my hands and got the hell out of their before she could finish flushing.

Now before you start telling me that I would be naive to think no one else used this particular bathroom in a public building, that’s not my train of thought at all. I’ve used this bathroom with others on occasion. It’s not like it’s a party but we all go there to do what we need to do and then get on with our lives. The difference here is this stranger was on the same path as me from the very beginning. Except for the office we came from, we both started out at the same hallway going towards the same bathroom one building and 3 bathrooms away from our starting point.

This woman did what my will could not, she scared the poop back and now I’m suffering from poop anxiety!

God knows what this is going to do to my system but I simply can’t poop in my office today. I’m not sure if I can concentrate anymore.

What if I see this familiar stranger again? Will our acknowledgement nods be filled with the shame of our secret? Could we look at each other the same again? This wouldn’t be so difficult if she just took any other stall other than the one next to mine.

Update: Today has turned into a day about my personal body functions.
I'm in the bathroom, same one from this afternoon. The stall I went into had no tp so I went to the next one over. I did my business we're still 0 for 2 on the above item when I heard someone enter the stall next door. I figured I'd be kind and pass under some tp to the unsuspecting victim. I started unraveling tp for her when I heard the flush of the toilet. She didn't wipe! I'm going home scarred tonight.