Friday, April 20, 2007

Does anyone defrag anymore?

I had an awful dream. I was on a business trip. I was finalizing my check out via the television screen when an additional message popped up on my telly. “Thank you for staying at the Marriot of yada yada. We hope you enjoyed your stay. Please hold for a message from . want to thank you for your hard work and continued service with us. Unfortunately, as of 2pm today you are no longer under the employment of . Have a nice day. Until then, please enjoy the amenities found at the Marriot of yada yada.”

This is when the electric saw cutting through metal and the workers chipping off the old paint on my fire escape started.

Crappy morning wake up after a pleasant evening.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am and what I am perceived as. Everyone who knows me, knows I have a deep seated need to find answers. When people ask a question, I need to find out the answer. It’s how my husband keeps me busy. It’s what annoys my husband.

Sometimes I wonder if that makes me look like a know-it-all. I don’t try to be. I don’t want to be. Some people are content with answering, ‘I don’t know’ and dropping it. I need to say, “I’m not sure but I’m sure I could find out.”

Mom and I were having a conversation about perceived innocence and ignorance which made me think about the opposite sex. Is it more attractive to be perceived as thirsty or disinterested? I’m guessing disinterest is a component of attraction. We want someone to be interested but many times the disinterest sparks the interest.

Is it that ambivalence/disinterest is less threatening? Is it misconstrued as confidence?

Last night I was at a function and the discussion turned to the Virginia Tech incident and how people are going to try to search for a meaning and when they don’t find the meaning they going to try to search for a cause. It’s human nature. Someone asked a question regarding morality and requested information on church doctrine. In what I can only describe as a complete brain malfunction, I responded with something so out of context it caused everyone to look at me with giant question marks over my head. The worst part was I responded with an enthusiasm and confidence that a spin doctor would be proud of. I won’t go into the details but imagine you were asked if the UN peace sanctions were effective or merely a display of politeness and morality to offset the agendas of national interests. With a high degree of confidence you say, “Potato!” As you say this, you think to yourself, ala J.D., what the heck am I saying? Did I just say that? What the heck is going on in my brain. Brain, your cut off.

A few seconds after the extremely awkward pause I did the Elmer Fudd/Porky Pig stutter and apologized with a simple, “My brain went out on break.” A few people looked at me and laughed. Others just looked at me as if I was Melanie Griffith. Some tried to distract me with a treat.

If my brother was there he’d respond openly with a comment alluding to my vacant brain. I could swear I felt the synapses misfiring in my brain.

With the silly response though, I felt more comfortable. Sure the initial feeling was one of embarrassment but then it was gone. I suppose in all aspects of life, we’re trying to so hard not to embarrass ourselves. Well I did and I suppose it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Sure there will be other chances to embarrass myself but at this moment, it was done and I could move on.

Maybe I desire to know the answer to avoid embarrassment. Maybe I search for answers because the questions I ask don’t have concrete answers. Maybe I search for answers to share with others because I hope someone has the clues for the answers I seek.

Maybe I should go grab a cup of coffee away from the sawing, drilling and chiseling and let my brain reboot.