This is when the electric saw cutting through metal and the workers chipping off the old paint on my fire escape started.
Crappy morning wake up after a pleasant evening.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am and what I am perceived as. Everyone who knows me, knows I have a deep seated need to find answers. When people ask a question, I need to find out the answer. It’s how my husband keeps me busy. It’s what annoys my husband.
Sometimes I wonder if that makes me look like a know-it-all. I don’t try to be. I don’t want to be. Some people are content with answering, ‘I don’t know’ and dropping it. I need to say, “I’m not sure but I’m sure I could find out.”
Mom and I were having a conversation about perceived innocence and ignorance which made me think about the opposite sex. Is it more attractive to be perceived as thirsty or disinterested? I’m guessing disinterest is a component of attraction. We want someone to be interested but many times the disinterest sparks the interest.
Is it that ambivalence/disinterest is less threatening? Is it misconstrued as confidence?
Last night I was at a function and the discussion turned to the Virginia Tech incident and how people are going to try to search for a meaning and when they don’t find the meaning they going to try to search for a cause. It’s human nature. Someone asked a question regarding morality and requested information on church doctrine. In what I can only describe as a complete brain malfunction, I responded with something so out of context it caused everyone to look at me with giant question marks over my head. The worst part was I responded with an enthusiasm and confidence that a spin doctor would be proud of. I won’t go into the details but imagine you were asked if the UN peace sanctions were effective or merely a display of politeness and morality to offset the agendas of national interests. With a high degree of confidence you say, “Potato!” As you say this, you think to yourself, ala J.D., what the heck am I saying? Did I just say that? What the heck is going on in my brain. Brain, your cut off.
A few seconds after the extremely awkward pause I did the Elmer Fudd/Porky Pig stutter and apologized with a simple, “My brain went out on break.” A few people looked at me and laughed. Others just looked at me as if I was Melanie Griffith. Some tried to distract me with a treat.
If my brother was there he’d respond openly with a comment alluding to my vacant brain. I could swear I felt the synapses misfiring in my brain.
With the silly response though, I felt more comfortable. Sure the initial feeling was one of embarrassment but then it was gone. I suppose in all aspects of life, we’re trying to so hard not to embarrass ourselves. Well I did and I suppose it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Sure there will be other chances to embarrass myself but at this moment, it was done and I could move on.
Maybe I desire to know the answer to avoid embarrassment. Maybe I search for answers because the questions I ask don’t have concrete answers. Maybe I search for answers to share with others because I hope someone has the clues for the answers I seek.
Maybe I should go grab a cup of coffee away from the sawing, drilling and chiseling and let my brain reboot.