Thursday, December 21, 2006

Put one foot in front of the other.

The stress level is beyond high for me. I know this because of the nightmares I’ve been having. Some days it’s about work. Some days it’s about family.

I know there isn’t much I can do about illness in my family except pray. My mom and stepdad are now in Canada. Last rites were given this week. Joe sounds a bit better now that he’s physically there. Mom has promised to continue her physical therapy up in BC.

My cousin’s mom is in the hospital again. I know that sounds weird. She's technically my second cousin. Does that make her mom my second aunt? This time her asthma was so severe they had to intubate her. When I spoke to her she said she didn’t feel 100% but she doesn’t want to spend Christmas in a hospital. Who does? My cousin sounds tired and spent.

Z-girl had the lump removed and now we wait for the biopsy results. I saw the pre-op bloodwork and she does have an elevated white blood cell count and in the words of her doc, “She’s got something cooking in the pancreas. I’m not sure if she was just nauseous or nervous the day she had her blood drawn or if something else is happening.”

My brother is in Mexico with many of our cousins. I wish I was there. Since internet connection is $100 for 2 hours, I’m playing hit or miss text messaging. I miss him but I know he’s having a good time. He deserves it.

Lrudlrick has been working non-stop since Thanksgiving. He’s freaking out his timeline is less than two weeks away. I get home at eight, we eat something quick together and then he’s back to work.

Work for me has been nothing but craziness. I want results. I want resolutions. Unfortunately, my priorities are not others. Unfortunately, I’m the only one in my team. I have non existent team. I’m the interface analyst. I’m the training coordinator. I’m the hardware technician. I’m the data manager. I’m the implementation coordinator.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving the challenge but at the expense of my loved ones and my own personal life.

Lrudlrick and I are both too stressed. We’re in this odd situation where we’re too tired, too stress and too overwhelmed. We’re in the same boat. We rarely talk about work to each other under normal circumstances, doubly so now. Why tell each other the same freaking’ problems?

Yesterday I had a nightmare no matter how hard I tried, my desk kept piling up with troubleshooting issues. Laugh. I know some of you can only imagine what my desk looks like. Well, even in times of stress and deadlines, my desk has 90% of it’s wood surface visible. I may be stressed, but anal retentiveness trumps all.

Today I had a nightmare my brother was 6 again and he was sick. For some reason I was my current age and married. Lrudlrick and I kept carrying him to different doctors for help. We kept running in circles throughout a non-descript hospital and no one would help us.

Both dreams made me wake up in a cold sweat.

Christmas spirit is in me but not as strong as normal. Sadly, in my workplace my office has one of the most spirit. I’m not tooting my horn either. I think the only consolation I have is that the stress I feel at work although unique is also universal. The only reason there are decorations in my office was for my own sanity.

The last few week’s I keep thinking about John the Baptist and how he had a mission. From day one, his life had a purpose. Did he know what his purpose was? Everyone has a purpose. When do we know our purpose? There are so many sad and bitter people out there. There is no need to have a bitter life. Everyone should jump out of their skins every now and then and say, “Am I happy?” If you’re truly not happy, why are you not happy? If you can change it and you’ll be pretty hard pressed to find something that you can’t change.

I’m probably deluding myself but I can’t see why anyone who is completely miserable would want to stay miserable. If you can change it, do it.

For all the stress and fear I have of late, I’m still in general happy. Crazy as it sounds, I love what I do. I wish I had staff to help me but I still love what I do. I wish my family was healthy but I also know that the circle of life is real. I wish I had more time for my family and to start a family but for now I muddle through looking forward some time off in the first quarter of next year.

I know there is a purpose to my life and even if it’s to spend it searching for my purpose, I’m here and I have my sneakers on. I’m just hoping it doesn't lead me to Oregon during the winter months.