Tuesday, February 28, 2006

"Life's not worth a damn till you can say, Hey world, I am what I am." And I'm not crazy.

Jon brought up something in his comment on my last entry. Feelings. Even though it’s a business, there are a lot of touchy feely considerations when making decisions. A lot of times, a decision is reached not based on facts and logic. A lot of times, decisions are made to illicit perceptions from others. If we do ‘A’, we’ll be seen as a well-oiled organization. Forget that we don’t have the resources to pull it off. We’ll look like forward thinkers.

Enough with work; I’ve have a hectic schedule as is. Work should not be my topic of my 10 minute ramble.

I’ll let you in on a secret. I’m not a group social type of person. I’m ok when it comes to short term commitments but long term socials aren’t fun for me. Long Term = +24 hours

I have to force myself to attend these functions for work so it’s very difficult for me to allow these large shindigs into my personal life.

I think it comes from my upbringing. I’ve always felt like the odd man out in every function. I looked different. My family didn’t have the neighborhood associations my classmate’s families had. My parents didn’t belong to PTA or Mother’s club and Father’s club. My homelife wasn’t like everyone else’s homelife. My grandparents raised me. I was too young and too ‘American’ for my elders. I was too young for my older cousins but too old for my younger cousins.

Looking back, I’ve never felt bad about it or sulked or brooded. I embraced my independence and enjoyed my freedoms. Today, I feel like I belong more to the everyday rat race but I think I’ll always feel a bit out of place. It’s not a good thing or a bad thing. It’s just the way it is.

I feel like it’s more apparent when I’m with my extended family. I’m sure most of it’s in my head but I feel more out of place next to my extended family than I do with strangers. I’m not sure why I constantly feel disconnected.

I love my family dearly. They drive me crazy and I drive them crazy but that’s cool. I just think there should be more of a comfort level with family than with strangers. Do I feel more vulnerable with my cousins? Why? It’s not like they know me, know me. I seem them once or twice a year. Sometimes I don’t see them at all for years at a time.

If it’s to protect myself, why don’t I feel even more vulnerable with my brother, my husband and my friends? They know more about me than anyone else.

Is it because there is a forced element? Is it because the initial commonality is not an interest but DNA? What am I protecting myself from? What is it that my psyche fears? Why must I also keep a distance from everyone and why aren’t I like that with others?

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