Resolution: Don't make a person regret caring about you.
I had planned to make a dish for Chinese New Years but my attention and time have all been diverted towards my new job. This is my third week. My body is slowly adjusting to the crazy times. Although it wasn't too much of a chore to wake up at 5:45 to get to a 7:30 meeting today; I'm still pretty miffed that I was stood up. My mind is swimming with new information to process. My back is terribly sore from walking from building to building.
In order to understand the operational changes that may take place within an area; I'm spending half days at different offices. Most of the time I'm there, I'm shadowing someone. Space is limited so I stand most of the time. I think it's time for another massage session at my favorite spa, Oasis.
Going back to Chinese New Years, we spent all Saturday morning and afternoon cleaning. It's tradition to do a thorough spring cleaning the week before Chinese New Years. The best way I can explain it is you want to sweep out the old to make way for the new.
It's one of the few traditions I can relate to and try to abide by. I'm not a fanatic though. My spring cleaning is still completed during the 4 weekends in April. My New Years cleaning usually entails a lot of vacuuming, polishing, dusting, clarifying and fixing any odd items that have been overlooked.
As I've said before, I've never been a New Year's fan. I don't mind it but it's not one of those holidays I look forward to. Chinese New Year's has a different feel though. New Year’s for me holds sentimentality. Chinese New Year’s is time to look towards the future. Although my mother makes some extremely strange demands for a person who isn't traditional, I still look forward to it. Why? Well Chinese New Year to me isn't about the passing of another year in my life. Chinese New Year is the welcoming of a new year filled with hope. Everything involved in my mother's Chinese New Year's plan is surrounded by hope. From the food that she buys to the pre-requisite items I must show up with in hand, my mother is symbolically hoping for good things in the New Year.
My mother surrounds herself with it. Now, I'm not saying that living entirely on hope is a good thing. I think she gets herself in trouble sometimes because of such things but we all need to have hope. There is a difference between having a realistic plan with a side of hope and hope with a realistic backup plan.
Lrudlrick once told me that my mother, brother and I live in hope and sometimes don't realize the reality of things. I'd like to think I'm more of a realist than my mother but I can understand where he gets this notion. My mother prefers to hope things will work out instead of realizing that consequences can be altered if the cause was addressed.
Consequences in my mother's eyes are different. My actions always lead to some hassle or change in the status quo. I was made to feel that I had inconvenienced someone. So I tried to do everything myself. I did my own laundry. I found my way to afterschool functions. If my parent's didn't have to attend a school function, I'd rsvp they weren't coming.
If I couldn't find a way and required help, my mother reminded me that her plans had to be changed. I began to resent the feeling that people would go out of their way for me. That's why, to this day, I get upset when people suggest or hint at doing so. It's not a personal thing. I just don't want to ever feel like I'm putting someone out.
I also don't want to feel second guessed on my personal decisions. Every child makes mistakes. That's how he/she learns. As a parent it's difficult to allow some of these mistakes to happen but as a good one you refrain yourself from coating your kid in a protective bubble.
For me, I developed hatred towards my mother's need to inform me that my approach was faulty. There are a million ways to get to the finish line but for some reason there was always a better way.
That's why I overreact as I do when my husband asks me if I want a spring roll with my order. He'll ask me if I want a spring roll with my order and I'll tell him no. Then he'll ask me again. "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure." "I know you like the spring rolls." "Are you getting a commission on spring rolls? No I do not want a spring roll."
I know I need to change this view. I know I need to stop feeling so upset and realize that by doing so; they people that really care about me will only resent doing so. It's not easy for me though. This sucker is deep rooted.