Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I just don't want to be the kid picked last in dodgeball.

It seems that all I can think and talk about is work. I suppose that’s the number one topic on my mind since I’m still in newbie-land.

I really dislike the banter one plays the first few weeks they start a job. I know we all have to do it but honestly, I thought it would be over after college. Seriously, every time I walk down the long corridor to my office, which by the way is the 4th door on the right, I feel like I’m walking past the lockers of the cool kids, the rich kids and the Seniors. Does the fear of alienation ever go away?

I’ve been told that I’m intimidating when I want to be. Honestly, I feel more like a mouse than a lion. I can understand how I may be unintentionally creating the vibe that I’m a dominatrix. I come from a tough circle of women who are highly opinionated and desire nothing but the best.

A friend of mine that I met from a previous job told me that I was the most intimidating person during the interview process. I looked all business and thought for sure that she wouldn’t get the job because of me. After she got the job and passed the freshman period, she said she laughs off the idea. She says I have a way of appearing more overbearing than I really am.

If you guys truly knew what went on inside my brain. I’m just a nervous, shy girl who just wants to feel like she belongs somewhere. I’m not a follower or a groupie. I very much enjoy my independence and the separation between my work life and home life. I just want to feel like when I’m at work, I’m not the outcast. I guess we all feel that way.

It’s difficult for me though. I’m a self-starter and enjoy working independently. Making small talk isn’t my strongest traits. Still, I make an effort but most of my efforts fall into the ‘Oh my god. She’s a weirdo arena.’

Last week as I was making banter with someone re: the temperature of my office I said, “I prefer it colder because I can always take my clothes off.” I meant to say, “I prefer it colder because at least I can wear layers. When it’s hot, you can’t always take your clothes off.”

Then there was the meeting in which my boss inquired about blocking websites or monitoring web activity. The technician said that it would be too expense to monitor and maintain and that there would be no blockage of the internet connectivity. Of course, the topic beforehand was my concern about internet connectivity and redundancy protocols. My brain forgot we moved on and I immediately responded to the technicians thoughts on web surfing, “Well that’s a relief.”

Of course, I found myself in desperate need to explain myself after the meeting. I don’t need my new boss to think I’m surfing porn or shopping on Amazon.com while I’m at work.

I’m still sans pc and I’m about to ask the IT guy to loan me a temp IP for my laptop so I can clean the 200+ pieces of mail I have sitting in my inbox.
I haven’t had a chance to do anything outside of work after work and it’s bumming me out a bit. Everything that does not pertain to my job has taken a backseat. Leisurely reading, internet surfing even cooking has been shelved.

I’m hoping that I can hit a comfort zone as soon as I get my pc. Then I won’t have to spend my nights researching for work.

Lrudlrick has been wonderful through my first week. The stress levels have been a bit high because of the constant newbie spotlight. I get home and all I can do is think about more stuff I need to do for work.

This week I have a delayed Christmas party to attend and a Client mixer at my husband’s job. They both fall on the same night and I’m contemplating if leaving my party to go to my husband’s party is a good career move.

Personally, I’m not sure if I can deal with being the newbie at the office party when I don’t have a single soul to cling to. I only know a handful of people and although everyone is friendly, everyone has their cliques and I’m not a part of any yet. I figure I’ll just make a showing. Introduce myself to the big wigs and then bee line home, change and head down to Lrudlrick’s shindig. Last year they had a great mango cheesecake. If I’m lucky I can snag a piece before they run out.