Monday, October 10, 2005

My husband has the attention span of a gnat.

Case in point, dinner.

During the torrential rainstorms that made up for the shower-less days of August and September, Lrudlrick and I, during a momentary loss of reasoning, decided it was a good idea to take the senior citizen dogs out with us on our weekend errands.

Our eldest, P-man, has a pin on his leg. You know when football players have torn knee ligaments that require surgery? That’s what he had. P-man had an ACL rupture in 2002 which required surgery. Since the surgery, our bionic dog doesn’t take well to wet or moist weather.

Imagine his enthusiasm as we dragged his soggy self down to the local pharmacy, supermarket, hardware store and dry cleaners. Some friends asked me why we didn’t just have them deliver. I feel for delivery folk. I delivered for a local pharmacy when I was a teen. Delivering Depends undergarments in torrential rains for a $.70 tip was not worth the minimum wage. Plus, I’d rather pocket the $2 tip and spend it on food. Call me cheap.

We made it to the bank where my dogs made it clear that the awning was where they’d stay. So Lrudlrick and I took turns holding them while running to the local shops.

Why do I bring this up? Simply because I made the foolish choice of having Lrudlrick go to the supermarket. All I wanted was milk and maybe something for dinner.

L: I’ll run in. Do you want anything?
pg: Nah. Just pick up a small milk. The small container. mimes a small paper carton Oh, and if anything catches your eye for dinner, pick it up.
L: ok.

As I stood under the bank awning, dripping wet, with two annoyed dogs, I thought it was exciting to not have to decide what dinner would be. 365 days in the year (It was 364 until Lrudlrick stopped making his Annual Spaghetti and Meatball meal for me.) I have to plan the meals. Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner and snacks all concocted by PG. I wondered what Lrudlrick would choose for dinner.

I waited in anticipation. Finally after ten minutes, he came out with a single bag.

pg: What did you get?
L: I got some cheese for the dog’s medicine.
pg: That’s right, we ran out. Good thinking.
L: Some baby carrots because I remember how you liked them so much.
pg: Oh. Ok.
L: What do you mean “oh?”
pg: I sort of lost my passion for carrots. It’s not your fault. I just ate too many over the summer and have grown tired of them. I’m sure I’ve told you this but I can use them to make glazed carrots though. Thanks.
L: Now you tell me. I thought I was doing good.
pg: You were. I mean you are. Go on. Thanks for the carrots.
L: I got your milk.
pg: That’s a big jug.
L: What? You wanted the small paper container?
pg: This is fine. We can have cereal. What did you get for dinner?
L: I got donuts.
pg: You got donuts?

It doesn’t end there folks. The one thing I ask my husband correction, used to ask was to set the table. At first it was do the dishes which involves loading the dishwasher, putting in detergent (contrary to popular belief, this is important) and starting it. This was a bit too much for his ADHD.

Lrudlrick, bless his heart, starts off swimmingly. He gets up and clears the dining room table. He gets the cleaner and sprays it down. He’ll wipe it and then leave to get the placemats. At this point the TV distracts him. He’ll go fiddle with the tv for awhile.

By the time I finish plating, I run out to the dining table to see if it’s ready. On the table is a bottle of cleaner and two placemats on a chair. I run back, grab utensils and condiments and run back out. At this point, Lrudlrick gets upset that I’ve usurped his position as table setter. Comments about icicles forming on our dinner and the need to install a heat lamp on my counter are traded. He runs into the kitchen to get drinks.

I serve dinner and plop my butt onto the chair to begin my meal. That’s when 9 times out of 10, I notice he has forgotten my drink and I have to pull my butt off the comfy chair. Now I don’t know about you but for some reason, this seems to be the hardest part of our nightly ritual. I could have plopped my butt down onto the dining chair for less than 3 seconds yet the recovery to get back up takes all my strength.

Lrudlrick waits until I return, serves me and we begin the-must-angle-tv-and-change-to-taped-program game. I used to wait until Lrudlrick found something to watch but found it exasperating. Nowadays, I scarf down my grub before he even finishes choosing a program to watch. I don’t know why this is so hard for him. Dinner doesn’t make it past a 1 hour program so he should just leave the tv be but he has to find dining conducive TV. BTW, just in case you didn’t know, Dirty Jobs is not a dining conducive program.

Clearing the table isn’t smooth sailing either. Usually, it’s not until after I start the dishwasher when I find that a cup or knife wasn’t cleared. I’ve completely given up on this and have programmed the dishwasher to start at 3am because of these ‘left behinds’.

Now, with all this complaining, I am still grateful that he does try. I just would like to know what distracts him so easily. I’d have to be naked standing there with a rib roast in my arms with oven roasted potatoes dangling on a belt on my hip for him to set a complete table and he’d probably do it in under 30 seconds no less.